Bring and Bless in Bulk – a Google Maps religion

Posted: August 11, 2023 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Bring it by to my house and I’ll bless it for you.

In bulk.

I’ll bless mounds of just about anything, just bring it by.

In bulk.

I’ll bless a large pile of poorly dogs.

I’ll bless your collection of wardrobes you’ve suspiciously just ‘inherited’.

Bring your babies by in bulk, and I’ll bless ’em.

Between the hours of 9:00-9:30, Monday-Friday. Closed on weekends.

On weekends, and after 9:30 on weekdays, keep your piles of poorly puppies to yourself, and don’t come near me with your wardrobes and babies.

I offer good rates (preferably donations, maybe even a pleasant sacrifice or two), but not after 9:30 on weekdays.

One evening I discovered that you can add businesses and places of worship to addresses on Google Maps.

This is very handy, as you can save it as a location, but you can also simply google search your house and then set directions to it from there. Easy.

Plus, you can build a business/worship empire by advertising on Google Maps that you specialize in blessing what people bring in bulk.

I still haven’t made millions in donations or sacrifices yet, but at least I can get home easier.

Also, I’m not too sure how to bless something. I can fling water at what I’m supposed to bless (in bulk, just bring it) but I was doing that anyway.

And I’m not too sure what kind of water to use.

There’s a tap on the wall in Westminster Cathedral. I reckon the priests there bless the tap, amongst other plumbing, so all water passing through is instantly blessed too.

So I could fill a bottle with that, but is that the luxury service I want to provide?

I should be able to offer still or sparkling holy water, chilled or boiled to remove toxins.

I could freeze it too, and so that you really, really feel the blessing when it bounces off your forehead.

But that might damage your wardrobes.

Either way, I’m on Google Maps now, but don’t come near my home for trouble as I’ve also blessed my baseball bat collection and will bless your brains out.

Donations and sacrifices still welcome, of course.

Between 9:00-9:30 on weekdays, anyway.

Sam