Aerodynamic nipples and the rest of us.

Posted: December 27, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

So, nipples.

Nipples.

Not very aerodynamic, are you?

Admit it.

When top-speed and head-first, humans (and yes I’m talking about the very specific circumstance of being fired out of a cannon whilst naked) are rather let-down by their nipples, which quite simply go against the flow.

There are other body parts that create similar issues (I’m looking at you genitals), but it’s nipples that are the focus of today’s blog.

Now I’m prepared to admit there are many uses for nipples, mainly in early-life, adult aesthetics and general humour (I’m not saying nipples aren’t funny. Everyone knows they’re funny, especially whoever named them), but otherwise they’re a massive liability when it comes to being fired naked out of a cannon, or taking part in a super bowl half-time show.

And I don’t know about you but I’d love to be fired out of a cannon.

I’d like everyone locally to watch and cheer as I survive.

It would also be a hell of a way to die. Doing something, perhaps not heroic, but definitely touching that line between brave and foolhardy. Definitely ‘doing something‘, either way.

“He died doing what he loved: tempting it.” they’d say.

Or “Those nipples let him down again, honestly – he always gave them too many chances.”.

Regardless, I’d happily be fired out of a cannon as a way of living life to the full or ending it, especially now I’ve said my piece about nipples.

Genitals can will have to wait their turn another day.

‘Every willy has its week.’

‘Every foreskin its fortnight.’

‘Every labia its lunar cycle.’

I suppose, of course, if things were to be more nipples-first, the issue of aerodynamics would be the rest of us – not the nipples.

Nipples would be innocent in that scenario. Guilty ribs though.

Wow.

I’ve disproven my own view via a matter of perspective. It was never the nipples, it was the POV and the rest of us.

I’m still going to continuing with blaming the nipples though, as they rarely have anything else blamed on them – compared to the rest of us. I find, from the opinion of others, the fault is not in our stars but usually my “stupid big fucking feet“.

They’re not even that big, but they tend to be perfectly big enough at the precise time to be exactly what isn’t needed – depending on the scenario.

Like nipples in a cannon. Poor little guys.

Sam

Social media: nothing has changed. But we must.

Posted: December 19, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Matters that Matter | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

About a year ago (when would have been a good time to share publish this blog) – there was a great deal made of ‘X’ (then, and forever really, ‘Twitter’) becoming a platform permitting right-wing content, bullying and dangerous topics.

I myself didn’t notice any difference, the only real impact being that WordPress would no-longer be so easily shareable to the X site.

Perhaps, it depends on where on the X site you’re looking. I wasn’t really looking at right-wing, bullying or dangerous things, so that might be why. I just desperately scrawling through it to see who was sharing blogs about what they had for breakfast.

But there was no change I could tell.

I did notice, however, that there was something still a major factor of social media. As I spent hours scrolling and scrolling through the content on X, Instagram, and Facebook, it eventually dawned on me that social media is a profound waste of time.

And I’ve only got so much time, and I need it to write about my breakfast (today, toast. Tomorrow, the world!).

Hasn’t it always been a waste of time? Perhaps a cool waste of time? Especially X?

In my life, Facebook was the original place to waste time: posting pointless updates featuring the latest and most hip abbreviations, sharing photos of people literally just sitting around with a variety of hand gestures, and ‘liking’ pages ranging from an esoteric movie (Ergo: “Hey, I’m esoteric, like this movie.“) to (and I don’t know what to call this): a page titled “Hey it’s snowing! Brilliant!“.

Photos continued to be shared on Facebook through my 20s, and now I can’t delete the damn thing because it is the sole location of my kid’s baby photos. Mine too, probably.

Twitter was meant to be the means by which my extraordinary blog would be shared with soon-to-be adoring fans, as well as a foundation for further research into the absurdly interesting concepts that I could soon write about.

But then, I was ‘followed’ by a local carpet shop in my home town and I realised its proclivity for wasted time was confirmed. They still follow-me, and they too don’t seem any more right-wing than usual (likely due to going out-of-business several years ago).

Instagram is brilliant, the best way to share images and video. A great place for a blog, surely.

Otherwise, every other social media seems to be the same.

TikTok only seems to differ from Instagram as it is a means of People’s Republic of China’s subversion of Western stability, whilst Instagram is less-so. Instagram is best at short videos, YouTube long ones, TikTok pro-sedition ones.

Rest assured, what we had for breakfast can be duly shared on each of these.

My point is that the whilst there’s focus of each social media, the fact is they’re all broadly a waste of time.

Yes, I’m sure you too have heard of people who met their one-true love on Facebook, or are making money from Instagram, or even using the platform to share truly inspiring content. But you’re not, you didn’t and you likely won’t.

You did, however, waste your time. And not in the right way.

Remember that time on Facebook when there was a specific scenario benefiting you with brilliant life-experience a great tale to tell? No, of course not. Exactly the same as when you were on Twitter and nothing proceeded to happen there either.

It’s better to have a bad day in bad weather than to waste time on social media.

That way, you can either make good use of time or waste it too, but it’ll be real-life. Which is useful either way. More social media – less you.

Social media is not an experience.

We’re programmed to find ways to use and waste time as humans. Look at me writing this blog – a far more productive way to waste time.

Ultimately, social media hasn’t changed. It didn’t need to. Neither did we, but we do now.

Waste time in real life, not online.

Sam

The Syrian Civil War – remember?

Posted: December 8, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Matters that Matter | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I wrote recently about these times being the times to write, and to write about.

We can pause, briefly, and quickly we realise these are just about to be the ‘good old days’.

In 20 years, when this world is a new one, will we look back and wonder what we were thinking? In 100 years, will other looks back and try to understand not only what we were thinking, but also what we had for breakfast (this is a blog after all. Toast, by the way.)?

It’s odd to consider myself a very distant bystander to world events and only as involved in them as I am with Countdown (barely, and eager for less).

But I am.

Seeing it on a plethora of screens, on the radio and even, yes – still, in print…these are the times to write and write about; but also to keep one’s distance from.

The Syrian Civil War is a conflict which, I expect, will come to be known by new names in time. Preferred terms of the victors, either romanticised by traditional historians or made technical by other historians eager to sell books by clarifying that everything is in fact very dull.

Maybe a more romantic name would have kept it in my memory.

I can’t be alone in the West in realising I’d forgotten it was happening.

There’s been lots of wars and conflicts in my 35 years of life, and throughout each I’ve slept well with a fully belly and total expectation of waking for the next morning.

This war, like so many others we’re made to know of, doesn’t seem to be of effect in my life.

Would I like it to be of effect? No. But it would make it real.

Is it not real already? Yes of course, for those living it.

But for me…I’d forgotten about it. Or at least, I was surprised to understand it was still going on.

S’cuse me while I quickly go Googling.

Best part of a million people have died in this war since 2011. It is hard to fathom how extraordinary that number is over that amount of time. It’s a lot of violence.

Maybe too much violence, but not ‘too much’ in the way it should be.

It is too much violence after too much violence. Too samey. Repetition is not good. Repetition is not good.

And that’s not good for viewership.

And I expect that’s why the war and it’s hundred of thousands of deaths fell out of my mind.

Recently though, we have an odd celebrity/fraud scenario in which ‘Hawk Tuah Girl’ became popular following a street interview regarding oral sex, coined a phrase, became a viral sensation (the Syrian Civil War was still happening prior, during and after all this by the way) began a podcast (apparently hard not to) and released a form of crypto-currency in a manner broadly considered to be fraudulent to investors.

Out of the two, the scam and the Syrian Civil War, I prefer the scam as general news. Whilst tempting to say it is depressing too, I think it’s actually affirming.

Not of the fact people will genuinely invest vast amounts of real money into vast amounts of no money, but that the girl provided something with which people could elect to be stupid.

And it’s my right to select something stupid to do.

Other people would have done that for free, but this young lady has made real money from the nothingness (nothingness with a catchphrase).

All the top people are calling for justice in this case, all whilst – I can’t stress this enough – the Syrian Civil War is still going on.

Although, I now understand the Syrian President, Bashar al-Assad, has gone missing whilst rebels occupy the streets of Damascus.

How and when did this anti-government push come about? Was it via a sudden injection of fictional-funds in the form of HAWK dollars?

Would the government forces have faired better if they’d had an obscene catchphrase?

I don’t know.

Repetition is bad, but I don’t know.

Ultimately, I suppose all this – the war and the scam – could have been continuing on their respective timelines. It’s just odd that one seems to have become so prevalent.

Maybe that catchphrase idea isn’t a bad one. I know if the ‘Post Office Scandal’ didn’t include the words ‘post office’ – it wouldn’t have deterred so many from wanting to know about it.

And of course, I’m glad to be at a distance. I just don’t think I should be forgetting about the history that’s about to be.

These are still the times to write, and write about. I think we need to know more about the Syrian Civil War and the experiences of those living it, and the lives of those who no longer are.

I’d invest in that.

Sam

Are we not allowed to be a bit shit? ‘Presidentially shit’?

Posted: December 3, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Matters that Matter | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Biden has, for the previous few years, been degraded on a manner of counts.

One – he’s President, and that’s unforgivable to many.

Two – he’s Democrat, and I know some people who hate that kind of party.

Three – the Afghanistan withdrawal, an undemocratic vendetta against Trump, being too fragile in all capacities and appearing goofy of a kind only previously espoused by Bush jnr.

This week President Biden pardoned his son of crimes he definitely did, after promising he definitely wouldn’t.

The Oval Office has such power, but it is also proudly presumed that this power is not to be used in a way that results in poor PR.

‘Optics’ are a crucial component of the American mythos, and the Constitution guarantees this purely through the way it is written. It presumes innocence of purpose with absolute power of authority.

Biden was a father before a President.

Evidently.

And if Biden jnr makes his way across the world now, taking drugs and owning firearms for which he doesn’t have a license….fine.

If he continues to be a figurehead of funding, receiving millions of dollars from the arrangements of his father….fine.

In honesty, this is something I expect of government, modern and historical. It’s the premise of the opportunity of governing: you don’t have to worry about particular things because we know you’re busy enough.

Of course, you can also sway a nation towards better times, with a better identity, but you can also get your little boy (I’m a father and I think this perception will never truly diminish) off of drug and firearm charges.

I’d do the same.

I’d ruin the optics of the constitution in favour of the reality of the Declaration.

Pursuing happiness.

The guy needs help, not jail time.

And President Biden needs to do what he still perceives (cataracts aside) as the right thing, which as a father myself – I’d do too…..fine.

Because we’re accordingly all a bit shit (Biden is ‘Presidentially shit’!). Because we’re human. And prideful optics are easily surrendered for the cause we hold more important – which is family.

What does that mean for me and you – those without Presidential representation and power? It means we were as previous: wishing our Dad’s could save the day because we’re a bit shit.

Biden jnr needs non-negotiable therapy. President Biden needs a nap.

And we need to appreciate that we’d protect ours too, when the occasion presents itself.

Obviously.

Otherwise you’d be a bad father. And that makes for a bad president. And that bodes poorly for all.