I am the Greatest Human to Ever Live (Part 5. I Can’t Wait to be Haunted)

At some point, you should know by now, it’s going to be written down that I am the greatest human to ever live. Written by someone other than me.

Until then…I am the greatest human to ever live.

And here’s how.

Ghosts avoid me.

So does Bigfoot.

Ohhhhhhhh Bigfoot has some diabolical excuses to his name.

“I’m washing my foreskin hair tonight”.

I let him off for that one since he’s willing to bring up his foreskin hair over the telephone. What a creature. He can’t speak but he lets me know by just colliding his foreskin upon the receiver.

Sometimes I pity telephones.

Not that I let them distract me from filling you up and in with why ghosts tend to go the long way around when they see me approaching.

I feel ghosts avoid me owing to my ‘rip-the-sheet-off’ mentality that leads me to sing (fucking SING) Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl whilst dancing in Piccadilly Circus on any day but Christmas.

I don’t deal in spooky.

I ejaculate on spooky purely for the reason of attempting to make apparent I am in a whole other frame of mind compared to what this ghost is hoping for.

Hence the semen.

Whilst this might not suit the law amidst the season of Halloween, at least the real ghosts can read about me in the papers.

Oh I wish I could pick up that telephone one stormy evening in late November to hear some croaky drawl utter: “I’m in the attic Sam”.

Because I want that ghost to know.

That I would then devote my body to two distinct attitudes.

My left hand side would box.

Jab with the fist, sweep with the foot and poke with my hip. Possibly also nutting with my left temple.

My right side would go about as furious a masturbation session as you’ve ever taken note of on the right hand side of a haunted man.

My reason for this two-tone combative-masturbatory stance?

Well…would you want to haunt me?

Whatcha gonna do? Clink your chains together? Softly tap the floorboards?

Be a long since abandoned and forgotten child’s clown-dolly?

Wail?

You know that turns my right hand side all horny and gets my left hand side in a mood to eradicate most-fistily (fistily. Adjective; much about the fist. Typically negative. Occasionally not) a ghost.

And I feel that closes the case.

What the fuck would you do in the face of my tactic?

Yes. I have tactics. Like a disciplined person from yore (wherever the fuck that is).

Distraction and confusion are nigh-on my sole arsenal, in the fury of silent cloak and dagger business.

Aside from my actual cloak and dagger, of course, as they quite simply ‘help’ when encountering an opponent needing to be pierced whilst also requiring a puddle to be obscured for them so as to gallantly defend their footwear and honour.

And I do that sort of thing for my enemies.

Why?

Because it distracts and confuses them.

To the point of them passing away into the hastily knife-dug grave to soon be swiftly cloaked-over and, then, returning from said hastily knife-dug grave to don my white cloak and go about haunting me with particular insistent focus upon my overly-literally imagery.

And then I ejaculate on them. Owing to my tactics.

That gets them sighing.

Good. I want them to sigh, I’ve always found it’s a good indicator of progress.

I simply refuse to acknowledge their apparition-like form and rather more insist they are just being rather witty with their parlour tricks.

“Passing through a solid wall eh? How terribly charming, I do wish cousin Bertie were here; I feel quite honestly you’d get on. Hmm. Yes.”

Middle-Upper Class vernacular infuriates ghosts.

Upon encountering ghosts I give it a really rather whopping “Crikey Carruthers!” and then leave it to my left and right hand sides to deal with the consequences.

I can’t wait to be haunted next.

I might even tempt it forward seeing as how I know the location of a native English gravesite. And I need somewhere to park my unpleasantness every now and then.

So I have a kilo of unwanted horse hair and no place to dump it other than that place where I dump things. How about there?

Can’t take it back to the horse; keeps running away.

Now I know I prefer to be galloped to, rather than galloped from.

Being galloped from has too many connotations of loneliness for the greatest human to ever live to oblige existence to. That’s why I find myself in so many stampedes.

Three stampedes at the time of writing. By the time of your reading this? Hopefully more.

I like a little hoof-mark on me. It’s my badge of both having been stampeded and then being proud as hell about it.

That should get the late-English natives coming for me.

That’s another flaw of ghost-hood; they have no strut.

Ghosts can’t dance.

And you needn’t even bet on it (just have some of my money), that I am the one to remind them of that.

Ever feel a little intimidated by the howling wind coming down the chimney and the weighty patter of rain upon the window pane?

Then fucking waltz, darling, waltz!

Now I’m not saying you should just get dancing, since I feel I’m truly the only one who should be doing that. Observe my physical expression sometime and you’ll realise you’re just not qualified.

However, I am saying you should certainly out-do that phantom when it comes to the art of tap.

I’ve always found that to be the trick to Irish Dancing. You cannot conceive, nor can I, those who are willingly Irish Dancing with aplomb aplenty and those who are righteously taking the piss out of it by flailing their legs all hither and thither in a manner most Irish-Dance-like.

So now you can do it to.

Don’t pretend you’re Irish Dancing, just Irish Dance.

Be an Irish Dancer; because I told you to.

And because you can do it if you just start. Soon all, ghost and the yet-to-be-late will assume you always were one.

Plus it keeps ghosts away.

Not that I’d really know; ghosts avoid me.

So does Bigfoot.

Do you ever get the sensation the author may have alluded to masturbation a tad too often throughout a piece, to the point that you consider him in an overwhelming and literal sense as a wanker?

I didn’t think so.

I don’t break bread with the undead owing to mainly to how swell this sentence sounds.

Aside from that, I am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Sam


The Greatest Human to Ever Live (Part 4. Make it a Brunch With Moi, Sister)

The Greatest Human to Ever Live
(Part 4. Make it a Brunch With Moi, Sister)

I am the greatest human to ever live.

Especially when the competition has such an admirable ‘keep-at-it’ attitude towards eliminating one another.

I can’t deny the embarrassment I suffer in acknowledgement that it’s all because they’re trying to impress me.

And it does.

Take a look at the budget they use on warfare.

Ahh fuck it.

Fuck this warfare wile-away-the-moment topic whilst instead I could take you firmly by the ears (if you were in the room with me. And had ears. I apologise if you don’t. Wait…no I don’t. Why the fuck should I apologise for your lack of ears?) and blow the contents of the following subject down your ear canal.

Brunch with me is transcendent.

Soon it’ll be a reward for curing only the most high-profile of diseases. The lady who cures missing limbs by replacing it with something more powerful; like a kangaroo.

(“Well, I sure do miss my foot, got a kangaroo on the end of my leg there now. It’s company but kind of fucks up my driving something awful and bouncy.”)

That lady…she can brunch with me.

Brunch with me with will turn any commie. I’ll have them being intimate with a fist full of dollars by the end of it.

Had I brunched in the Cold War there would have been moments with men in dark rooms sitting around cold metal tables with a sloped-shouldered American offering a whole mouthful of: “You know we’ve got brunch with Sam. So get the fuck out of Korea.”

And I’m fine for that to happen; I don’t like Korean communists anyway; they’re ridiculous and have too many statues.

Don’t forget that life imitates art.

Do you want to be marble?

Of course you do, marble like me baby, but I’ll bet a couple of my own feet that that you aren’t looking to suddenly become granite in any way but metaphorical, are you?

No, because you hate Korean communists too, plus they have a silly march.

Plus your silly march is sillier and you deserve some recognition for that but until North Korea falls you’re going to have to restrict your silly march to your own private corridor.

You see, when you’re having brunch with me you feel the gratitude of fortune to have gone to have endured such a classical education that forbade your jaw from dropping, which is prone to happening when you see what I’m about to do with the oatmeal on my foot.

I’m cheeky with the oatmeal, but I use the syrup as though I was bred for it.

You can smell the discipline I emit; albeit tinged by the syrup jug’s wafts.

No good thing is tinged; I expect it’s the connotations of sounding like minge. And that’s a vagina.

And vaginas (at their worst) are the pits; literally.

And penises (at their best) are the tits; metaphorically.

And tits are neither; technically.

All go well when impacting on the brunch counter. All body parts are welcome here; except kangaroos (“fucking up my brunch-bar as though they don’t even know what it’s for! That’s not how you hop on a breakfast bar!”)

If you haven’t been able to deduce to this point by now, I am dunking my body parts in the brunch and, in many ways (many happy, noble ways), am dunking brunch in my body parts.

And here’s why.

Breakfast is stifling – I dislike necessity, particularly regarding phrases such as “well-balanced” and “cornerstone”. Those terms should leave me alone otherwise I might retaliate; somehow. I prefer to be dominant regarding my tummy.

Lunch is redundant; you should be busier.

I pride myself on being too hectic for a sandwich.

Too noteworthy for salad.

Too inevitably going up and down in history as a sweetheart with a tendency to be photographed in chrome for liver.

Liver.

That word should mean more than just…liver.

It should be a base note of humanity; “all that remained was…liver”.

And dinner is disappointing.

If you didn’t find it on the end of that stick you jabbed and bobbed and weaved and threw with; you missed the point entirely (unlike the unfortunate creature impaled. Luckily it was ugly so you gave no fucks) and now we can’t be friends. You disassociated acquaintance you.

At this point I’ve moved on to the meatier part of the meal because I’m too liberal for your typical 09:00-11:30 eating habits.

My eating habits are as though someone attached (inhumanely; because this is just a metaphor and I just feel it exclaims the point better) the engine of a formula 1 racing car to a headless cockerel.

Messy and pointless; but things are happening pleasingly fast, albeit without much progress.

I move on to the meat because I grew bored with oatmeal on my foot, though you should know by now I’m not done with it yet.

Because I’m an oatmeal kicker and I’ll be back for more.

All this while you’re sitting in your seat, much as a seat-sitter would. Not that I sit on seats. You see, seats are what I raise my oatmeal-lathered foot onto so I can rest my arms on my knee and look deep into your arrested and near-wet eyes and explain something to you.

Explaining something like why I’ve got to do what I’m about to do with the waffles.

And from that point forward you are (not hit with, since there’s nothing violent here; only inspiration physical and sweaty – meaning therefore you are…) fucked with the realisation that my current waffle-motif adorning the bosoms and hairdos of all other customers in the three-table radius is for you.

Still messy and pleasingly fast, but no longer pointless and now we’re getting somewhere.

I’m just making you realise how brunch with me can be; just enjoy the unforgettable nature of whatever the fuck is happening right now (you have a pepper in your hair by the way…).

I lean forward to caress it out and the, pardon me, you are overwhelmed by my very own ridiculous masculinity.

You probably took note of my plumage.

My chest hair is like a field of muscular black wheat in a summer’s heat. Far away.

That’s why I tend to be compared to a swan more than any other animal (e.g. a human).

There are three main reasons for this.

  1. Plumage. Of the two, it’s been said I’m more regal on the externally.
  2. I can break a man’s arm just by swimming. Proximity irrelevant.
  3. In many ways now…I am the Queen’s.

My word, I am a marvel at catching women as they swoon.

I’m very last moment too, as I always manage to be granted an audible gasp by those slow and still sitting men (Ha!) surrounding us who have plucked up the courage to watch you descend and wish you all the best as you do so.

My technique is that as you swoon, I swoop. Like the cool coconutty power of a Hawaiian wave, only with the muscular arms of a ballet dancer.

I exercise only by lifting women and kicking doors down. That…and feeding the people between 09:00-11:00. Within a three-table radius.

Brunch with me is bliss to be endured.

Because I am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Sam


I am the Greatest Human to Ever Live. Part 3. You Should Have Kept Your Smile.

You should have kept your smile.

Because smiling works.

Or else have yourself a prized grimace that denotes to all around you that you’ve completed harder word-searches than them, and they don’t stand a chance.

How you conduct your facial features as you mingle amongst the rest of the species can be the determiner of your destiny.

Being the greatest human to ever live, I smile.

Why shouldn’t I?

My smile is arresting and my grin is criminal.

My laugh is disarming. I buckle out a “ha-ha” as though it were a mix of Muttley’s wheeze and a Welsh choral singer’s bellow.

And it’s also very at you.

You’ being everyone in the vicinity.

People hear my laugh and they whip around as though there’s an avalanche of tumbling Santa Clauses’ ho-ho-ing its way towards them, only to see me enjoying a joke I just told.

However, laughing is also a highly pleasurable way of winning an argument.

It’s a matter of insistence.

Such as the time you might invade a UKIP event and ha-ha your way through the diatribe of people desperate to prove they’re not racist. If you were a racist; which party would you vote for?

I’m not a racist, but if I were; I’d vote UKIP.

But there’s one thing more that I find intolerable of UKIP, and naturally it would be me to see this for what it is.

 Nigel Farage has stolen the colour purple from us.

Once, purple was a rarity in the urban world. Whereas in some aspects of nature there would be a slash of purple here and there, in the cities there was almost none, aside from the investments made by the wealthy who could afford dye.

Investing in purple.

I’d like to invest in purple, but it seems hard to do that without funding UKIP and I’m just not racist enough for that (although I am slightly racist….I hate Eskimos. Fuck ‘em. What did they ever do for me?).

If my smile, such as what crops up when I’m sure Eskimos aren’t nearby, had a colour then I’d presume it to be purple, but it’s not. It’s a tender yet rugged shade of ‘Handsome’.

The colour ‘Handsome’ is like chocolate, only more muscular. With totally manly nipples. Slightly abnormal, but still more manly than your father and that’s why you’re with me babe. Superior nipples and I’m handsome with a slight anti-Eskimo twist.

Plus I’m the greatest human to ever live.

My smile is like a flower that can bear-hug you so hard that you enjoy the cuddle it becomes.

My smile can, and I’m not sure exactly how (it’s natural science – I don’t need to know. Birds don’t know how they soar and a tumble weed doesn’t know how it tumbles. Just let it be), but my smile can make you fuck off. Just a little of a turn to the left, I think, tilting upwards slightly, let loose a smile and boom; you’ve fucked off.

I would undoubtedly announce on, perhaps, some sort of blogging website that the lower half of my head is the preferential half for when you fancy a conversation.

Whilst my brow is flexible and communicative; it’s easier to have a chat with the lower half of my head.

And other things besides…

I really enjoy cunnilingus. Not enjoying the act perpetrated unto myself as I really don’t have enough vaginas for that (not even one) but I love dolling it out beneath the skirt of the other half of the species.

Why? Because I like being good at something that other guys aren’t.

Like laughing.

Laughing and cunnilingus go hand in hand in terms of a mutual act. Lip to lip.

The clitoris is substantially tingled by the vibrations of a giggling.

Perhaps not side-splitting, but certainly split-siding.

That’s a vaginal joke, that’s why you get it.

And that was an insult-joke and I’m sorry about that.

And that wasn’t a joke. There’s nothing wrong with vaginas and there’s nothing wrong with me being sorry about that.

Damn, I’m a fine writer.

So I’ve got some writing chops, the things I can do with a pen and a keyboard would tickle you beyond the hacky constraints of a weak-wristed journeyman with a quill. And inky fingers.

You can’t have that done to you by a writer with inky fingers. Everyone’d know you’d been tickled.

I can make you tingle with a space bar and you don’t even want to be enlightened as to my history with other people and the insert key.

We got along.

I recall they enjoyed what I had; especially my musk.

Yes. I’ve got a musk.

You should see it. Because you can. It’s purple.

You can see it emanating from me as the sun goes down – like the Northern Lights; only tougher. Tougher in the same way that you can see a bull’s balls. Not an advantage overly; unless you wilt at that sort of thing. But wilting is something I hope for my enemies, particularly in public.

So – to the point – I smell like an overly-purple Northern Lights with testicles on the outside.

My laugh, however, that’s not a thing to be given a name. Just let it be.

My laugh isn’t to be controlled as it is a wild thing let loose only by me, baby. The potency of my laugh can make you swoon in the same manner that my musk’s balls can make you wilt.

That’s how I know you’re enjoying it.

But I’ve got to stay in check with my physical appearance, even I can’t rely solely on musk, smiles, laughter and an incredible lower-face.

So I had a wet shave in a Turkish barbers.

I sat in the chair and awaited the compliments about how their nuclear-age razor equipment wasn’t up to the job of slicing my bristles. My mane. My organic chin-duvet.

I waited, and then they wrapped a towel doused in boiling water over my entire head with just enough gap to allow my nose to poke out.

“Damn” I thought, “I’ve got a cold nose”.

I like things a’boiling.

Once shaved I discovered I had a dimple in my chin. “Tremendous” thought I, “Now everyone will be able to know I’m an All-American Good Guy type. From Kent. England.

Now I can go into space, chin-dimple first.

You guy’s realise we’re in space?

Currently.

I feel a need to acquire some sort of ticket. I’m set though, I own an acre of the moon. And I am going to plough it, along with my space alien girlfriend.

My Earthly semen cures her space-libido. Always momentarily.

And I only ejaculate when directed by my government.

I think there’s only one more thing I want you to know…

I only masturbate when I have to.

Maybe I’m straying into topics meant for next time on Alternative Literary Output for the Soul.

So I’ll leave it at this; throughout all the above, amidst the true and the exaggerated (somewhat)…I smiled.

The endorphins were released and I was happy.

And that was because I kept my smile, and I recommend you unleash yours.

Unto others and for yourself; smile.

And I should know.

Because…

I am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Sam


I am the Greatest Human to Ever Live. Part 2.

I Think I Could Fuck Up A Wolf; Should It Come To That.

I am the greatest human to ever live.

I’ve dwelt upon this, particularly since I’m a species-ist and there is a resentful degree of contempt in my heart and head and sandals for other species.

Fur and feathers – I permit.

Some of the feathery ones talk back and I like their gumption; whatever that is.

And then there’s giraffes – I couldn’t fuck up a giraffe.

Out of sympathy.

I’d ride them.

I’d ride them out of sympathy.

And they’d permit me to ride them because I’d work out how they like to have their knees massaged and win them over.

They may remain.

Fish and other ocean or water-way dwellers; they need to stay the fuck away from me.

Because I am most certainly the sort of fellow to point at them and bellow “No”.

I’ll just stick my finger, like a knuckled wand, into the water and give them the gist of me.

Pointedly.

I’ve got a lot to say about what obscenities live beneath the surface (some of them don’t even breathe air – try to show me up will ya?!) as I have an issue with things that are too wet.

I feel wetness should be an unexpected treat to come home to involving champagne liberated from the Nazis, or a hell of a way to go to work and give your inspiring and innovative speech to the board.

I’d hate to be on a board; I’m not good at sharing tables owing to my need to swing my heavy-heavy boots upon them as I lean back in my tilted chair and astound my other board members for no other reason than that I want them to back off somewhat and let me swing my heavy-heavy boots around. All this…whilst wet.

My boots are weighty. It builds up the shins – and that’s the mark of me.

You can tell if I did the deed for you’ll find the scene of the crime heavily shinned.

By me.

Ain’t nobody got shins like Sam.

However, even I can go off topic at times.

Because I’m whimsical.

And I’m whimsical because I’m the greatest human to ever live and I can take the time to relax about my intentions in a conversation like this (I’m presuming you’re all nodding along and every now letting loose a “Hmm” of approval or…is it…admiration?). Women admire my whimsy.

My whimsy’s better than yours. Because I whim it.

And that’s why I did it, that wandering off-topic thing, again.

I’m so good at meandering away; I can even meander away from talking about meandering away.

You try it.

Still, there is still the issue at hand.

That I think I could fuck up a wolf; should I whim it.

I have never in all my months of living been nearly attacked by so many dogs as the past 30 days have offered me.

The month of July just generally snarled at me; from day to day.

A lot of slobber; another unpleasant wetness is slobber being held most dangly in the worst of erogenous zones.

And I made it to August with a whole new opinion intact; I could fuck up a wolf.

Let’s look at the basic physiology of a wolf.

The key to its success in a fight against the man mountain that is me is its agile mouth.

The wolf, let’s call it ‘Diana’, has acrobatic jaws.

But so do I, Diana.

And I do bite.

I’d bite Diana the wolf right in the choppers.

And then there’s the rest of me.

Just take a slow and casual glance over my right hand and peek away, I don’t mind, at my pianist’s finger that branches from it.

Every single finger there is an advantage I hold over Diana and I will apply them most verily.

If I were to ram, and I do mean ram in the same way a pianist wouldn’t, my index finger straight and true up one of her nostrils; what would Diana do about it?

I ask because I’m going to do some presuming now and what I feel like presuming today is that Diana would whimper and try to depart from my index finger.

Let it be.

I would just let it be.

Diana is probably the lone-mother of the pack or some other responsibility, plus I’m humane.

I’m so humane I run with horses, so long as they can keep up and wouldn’t get embarrassed by my floppy-semi brought about by the excitement of running and my bountiful strides. That’s right – my strides are bountiful. I don’t know why; I just enjoy striding with an excited semi.

I’m so humane I’d put a ladybird on the windowsill rather than just exhaling it out the window and pausing to see if I can hear it land. I’ve seen too many good ladybirds land in my time.

And…if Diana the wolf wanted to flee from the index finger I currently have penetrating her snout as though I’m pointing with sincere curiosity at something in her sinus then…I would let it be.

Because she’s a good girl and a fine mother; probably trying simply to protect her cubs, who I would have raised myself and taught them how to become the kings I always knew they were if she were to pass away owing to my finger.

There’s also the fact that I could also pull her tail.

A tail is, with as much relevance as I can perceive for the situation in hand, a third of the spine which I can help myself to and give a good tug.

That’s a spine.

Fancy having your spine tugged like I’m trying to win something here?

I want to win your spine and your respect, Diana, so whimper now before I’m holding one of each in either hand.

You’re such a good girl Diana, and you’re a wonderful mother but…I’ve got to stand by my principles.

And my principle here is that wolves are scary and I this was my first instinct.

And that’s noble.

It’s okay; I’m being noble.

I have a crest.

It’s a wolf with a finger up its nose.

And then my large grin beneath it, showing all my teeth (slightly wonky because I’m well-travelled and I bite a lot of things), with my brow above it.

My brow will be frowning slightly because I’m working hard and I’m dealing with it, head looking down, eyes looking up as though I’m saying: “Seriously world? Seriously?”.

My brow is prominent in a way that if not slightly further forward than the rest of my person, it does at least receive compliments at a steady rate.

At least, it would if I didn’t pre-empt a fellow’s compliment with my classic: “Thank you!” and then: “But your bone structure will get there too; just do more things with milk, my dear old friend.”

Oh…there will be archaeologists.

And they will in some distant and lush green field begin to dig, eventually unearthing and taking care not to shovel my remains.

They shall lift my skull from its by-now ancient grave and stand and stare in honest astonishment at my inspiring-brow.

And they will compliment it.

But where in the timeline of humankind’s evolution does this remarkable figure belong? And then they will get it.

Fiction.

This must have been from a fairy tale.

Because…yeah…I’ve got damsels to spare and they’re all nicely in peril and ready for my brow.

And then I shall decide to leap the moat to delete the vile Wolf-Queen Diana from my newly acquired castle, complete with a unfortunately narrow-nostrilled fiend and beautiful damsel of high-birth.

Next time…I’ll show you how to do all of this, particularly the high-birth part.

Also, I recall saying this article would be about romance and my smile, but that’ll do for next time too.

And that’s a fine thing indeed.

Because I am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Buddy.

Sam


Everyone Likes a List

Everyone likes a list.

Lists were extremely popular in the mid-noughties when Channel 4 went about compiling Top 50’s concerning varying aspects of pop-culture.

Then they stopped. Not a negative. It was just one of those things Channel 4 did for a while.

Bless ‘em.

And now we have Buzzfeed, a website of contributors with a seemingly limitless number of lists regarding that which I “Won’t Believe”, typically telling of celebrities and how they’re imperfect.

Judging from this thus-far five paragraph spiel you might think I’ve not one of those that I myself have listed in the category of “Everyone” liking a list.

But I do.

I like them a lot.

Typically on my own, though I find a list is also enjoyable when shared with a friend or colleague.

And it is in this state that the topic of the list becomes something I feel really rather passionate about.

Such as the following.

My Top Three Favourite Lines from Films.

Just three; so relax.

This isn’t going to take up your day or deteriorate your mentality to any worthwhile degree. For me anyway, if I could literally make you less intelligent just by your reading this then I’d indulge profusely.

Because I don’t like competition. And I don’t share well; particularly planets. Hintitty hint hint.

Number 3

Spoken by Jamie Foxx as Django in *Django Unchained*.

“I like the way you die boy”.

Delicious.

The vengeful meal being devoured there by the protagonist is, though not being served cold, being immensely tucked into whilst still as hot as the sun beating down on them in the cotton field. Like a bullwhip of devastating victory bearing down upon you; he says that line. And then…

One shot. Killed thoroughly.

Vengeance taken by the fire-breathing former victim, a gun and then a whip, but nothing means as much as the throat-cutting line of “I like the way you die boy”.

For Django, in this scene, he is victorious in body and mind, whilst the slave driver dies hearing a return to his grotesque insult of “I like the way you beg boy” being upped and forgotten. And then he dies.

Victory total and vengeance absolute.

I sit here and tingle in a way I’d never tell my family about, though I’d express to you here because this is a list, and everyone likes a list.

Django could have fucked the offender’s mother, but he said this instead.

And it’s tremendous.

And it’s the better choice.

I have my reservations about a woman who raises a slave driver.

Number 2

Spoken twice, once second better than the former, by Julia Roberts and then Hugh Grant in *Notting Hill*.

Bear with me comrades.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”.

Just allow that remarkable sentence to envelope you and to blossom open those most intimate memory cells from through your life.

Ubiquitous and familiar, entirely personal and perhaps the most important of moments within the many moments of our lives; we are all aware of it.

It certainly matters.

A shining example, laid down here by Richard Curtis, of heart-rending honesty to bring down all walls of ego so as to give you an unexpected rendezvous with the memory you have hidden away in your most sacred chambers of the mind.

That feeling you think of every day in either joy or melancholy.

Exquisitely both.

Painfully one, and with the other of such heights you would never yield it to forgotten lore. It means all what you are.

Not in so many words does this occur (“asking him to love her”) but the situation spoken in the line is ubiquitous and it is so much of a familiarity that when Julia Roberts first speaks it we are struck by the fact that this is a reality shared by us all.

Despite all the poetry written, you thought you felt this with no other to recognise the feeling?

Via Richard Curtis; you are apparently not.

For a man to a woman, a woman to a man, charming and wooing with the intent of the best part of our time together or, as spoken, quite explicitly asking someone to love you; we are familiar and we feel it then as we hear the line spoken – just as though another has reached into our very souls and knocked; just to let us know that there is someone else who knows. And feels.

This reality of the situation, the fact that it is known and kept by us all (perhaps following a certain general age), is forwarded further by Curtis who then repeats the sentiment, though now with an audience of variety for the speaker (this time Hugh Grant’s character: Will Thacker).

In this scene, as Will retells the tale of what occurred previously in his travel book shop with the girl he loves, Curtis slowly pans the shot across the group of friends, showing their expression and their own private familiarity of love being plainly reached out for by one who feels it so they cannot contain nor can they express.

Just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her”.

Of course there are connotations to the phrasing of this line in particular owing to the girl being the asking. It is from this we conjure the idea of a very young women, perhaps inexperienced in love but feeling it no less that a regular combatant, stating plainly her love for a boy and asking him to love her back. Because we love and need love back, and sometimes we have to ask (in a manner of speaking).

If not directly to ask, then to woo (if we can), though to ask directly is certainly unusual and it is undoubtedly a method far braver than any I have dared.

I’m a wooer.

The camera pans across the faces of the friends of Will and shows their shock at the shared and personal beauty of the sentiment and how it echoes in their own lives.

Will states the line, the situation, and the camera cuts from him to the friends whilst he is still speaking and it is in this moment that, via this wonderful line, that Will becomes the narrator of the tale timeless and the entirety of the film itself.

If a woman were to be saying it, I would imagine her to being saying it in a blue dress with bobby socks on. Carrying books. Erroneously ashamed of her spectacles.

Because it is innocent and pure, no matter whatever has come before.

The emotion emitted in this one line is the equivalent of what can be the most special moment of our lives being spoken in word form.

And it is wonderful.

So much so they said it twice.

Good for them.

Number 1

*Wayne’s World 2* (a just title. Attempt to deny it isn’t as such. Try it).

Del, the world tour-worn roadie intended to represent the living tales of the heydays of rock and roll, is playing the part of the old war horse, with a gang of young faces and eagerly listening and admiring ears at his hand whilst he nonchalantly lights another cigarette.

And then he tells his story.

What turns out to potentially be his only story, about the tiger, the M&Ms, the little sweet shop and the shop keep and his son.

I’ll write nothing explicitly of what he says, save to say that when I would attempt, being all teenage and in awe, to repeat this tale within my group of friends I would fail most sweetly as I inevitably went about cackling in built up reaction to such a hilarious piece of dialogue.

It can be seen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_7kg5ZzDZo

A real beauty by Mike Myers there.

And that’s my list for now.

That will do.

I know I was meant to write my next piece about my being the greatest human to ever live, but I did this instead.

Plus I’m not entirely sure what you’re going to do about it since I’m the greatest human to ever live and you’re sitting down.

Yeah. Accomplish something and make me. You chair user.

But, wait a momentous moment there pally, for what if I were to write reasons for my being the greatest human to ever live in list form?!

By gosh I’d bet you’d stand up and accomplish something then. Feel free to make me once in list form, sugar.

So to it; intention number 1: begin list series regarding reasons for my being the greatest human to ever live, number 2: write the first reason, number 3: write this regarding the essential reality of my superb ego and why it’s better than yours, number 4 (and finally): continue the series without concern for the months approaching and soon to be passing and just get it typed.

Thanks for reading.

I liked the *Notting Hill* part best.

Sam