Hey, AI – leave sneezing panda alone!

Posted: December 14, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Matters that Matter | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m like you.

I too like scrolling through social media and finding clips of CCTV or candid camera of those videos.

You know the ones.

They feature the impossible trick shot, the extraordinary comedic coincidence, miraculous creativity – that make us want to watch again but also put down the phone and head outdoors into the real world.

I suppose, for all the sensational terms I’ve used above, the real definition is ‘hopeful’.

Everyone loves these videos.

You see them and you are reminded that life is actually pretty cool, maybe you’ll go for a walk.

Here’s the problem. AI is being used by living people.

That’s not to say that the deceased would make better use of it, but it is those currently living that are, as ever, the problem.

And they’re using AI.

To do what?

It’s not just their taxes, their spreadsheets, or their wedding speeches.

They’re using it to fake those moments of real life that are the romantic and true chaos that remind us of it’s unruly splendour.

I’m talking about, dear reader, the sneezing panda.

When scrolling social media, you may have noticed an increase in attempts at this type of reality. AI attempts at the glorious moments that make us smile and love the world.

In December 2025, the AI in use is still not capable in application to falsify such important moments as these (I’d also very much so like to include the Aussie chap punching a kangaroo) fluidly or effectively.

My worry is that it won’t be long till they can.

And when that time comes, how can I believe that those lovely little moments are real any more?

Those moments, which I personally consider to be the entire point of social media and why at some point in the 20th Century we began filming each other constantly, are the tickety-boo examples of what screens are for.

It’s not emailing (don’t do it – it’s uncouth).

It’s not online files involving finances (yuck).

It’s not web-dating (less-so but still yuck).

It’s not even sharing government secrets with San Marino (sure they’re a tiny country, but they want to know some secrets too).

It is funny cats (you know this already)

It is Gangnam Style (which seems quite AI but wonderfully, isn’t).

It is The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny (Mr Rogers is the greatest thing – confirmed).

It is the Dramatic Chipmunk, Chocolate Rain, Keyboard Cat, Charlie Bit My Finger, and that other one I can’t recall the name of….

But it’s not AI’s fault.

It’s people, as ever.

People start wars, people spread plagues, and people misuse AI to upset the proper flow of funny cat videos that ensured my faith in life persists like life itself.

This is the same issue that is the centre about most people’s concerns about AI – it’s not the Ai itself: it’s some person, being very regrettable, using it as they shouldn’t.

But what can I do about it?

Well, I’m going to use AI a little less often. I’ve taken to using AI to create thumbnails for this blog.

From now on, you can expect some truly awful drawings, made using my children’s crayons, that I will photograph and upload to accompany every equally awful blog on this site.

I’m doing it for the sneezing panda, you, and myself.

Apologies for that.

Species defining imperfections on the way.

Sam

HEY, 1800s USA, get your own huddled masses

Posted: October 5, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Being European – I can assure you we worked jolly hard to have the huddled masses we’ve earned over the millennia, to the point that we’ve begun to enjoy huddling en masse.

We call it ‘a nice get-together’ with everyone ever.

And huddled masses don’t come easy.

You need to prioritise turnips, parsnips and several other bullshit vegetables that are fantastic long-term (shelf-life, if you’ve a shelf to be able to implement such a phrase) but are sadly lacking when it comes to reasons for living.

That’s the formulae for masses and huddling.

And frankly the United States should know better – especially in the century in which it was actually happening. Plus it is simply audacious to covert another continent’s huddled masses – it simply generates traffic for ferries and that is most unbecoming.

And the 1800’s USA isn’t the only historical era of a country that requires a good telling-off.

It’s easy to pick-on 1930s Germany for obvious reasons, but how about the pre-Christ Rome? Can you think of a nation with a greater need to get a grip that the one that decided ‘outwards violently’ was the means to a comfortable life?

Yes, it certainly did lead to a comfortable life for many Romans at the time, but not the ones required to be violent and certainly not for the ones required to have violence visited upon them like some grotesque form of stabby-tourism.

Remember the Franks? No-one does, they became both forgotten and French – and Rome should apologise for the latter.

Then there’s everything China did to the Chinese for a period of time that exceeds the history of the planet.

I believe ancient Chinese politics was interrupted, rudely, by evolution of the original mammals at some point, according to the most excellent of Chinese record keeping (the Tang period suffered an economic disaster as fish became land-dwellers: the fisherman were furious about all the time they’d wasted being on a fucking boat).

And then, of course, Genghis Khan needs a good rebuking too – primarily on the grounds of murder.

But when it comes to the USA sidling up to my – MY – huddled masses and treating them with the lack of contempt they deserve – that’s an overstep that I cannot ignore.

Therefore I wrote a blog, and now really must move on to other things.

All the best to you, huddled or otherwise,

Sam

Magnum Opuses for everyone

Posted: July 30, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m confident that AI is having a profound impact already, let alone in terms of being something for people to blog about, but nevermind – let’s talk about magic.

Because we might as well, since that’s the stage we’re at.

I found something profoundly encouraging the other day whilst ChatGPTing.

I’d previously asked it to write a blog in the style of The Lateral Column (you might have heard of it) to see if it could compare. And it fairly much nailed it.

Bit worrying, since I like to think only I can be as inane as me, but this revealed that such irrelevant irreverence as my style of writing could be…commonplace.

And who’d want that?

I don’t want anything to write like I write, and you don’t want anyone to have to suffer reading as you currently are, due entirely to this style of writing.

Damn, damn, damn shame.

However, good news came shortly afterwards.

I asked the AI to repeat the same task, imitate my blog.

And, encouragingly, it turns out that Artificial Intelligence was having an off-day!

I read, and was delighted to be disappointed. It was a lame mimic of my blog, filled with bullet-point lists and jokes revolving around the sort of topics that unamusing people insist as a being humorous. Like cheese (wow, cheese, ‘ha‘ and then ‘ha‘ again).

I really started writing this blog today because I thought of the title and have tried to revolve it around the absurd suggestion of magnum opuses for everyone (like they’re free or mass produced). But I’ve struggled.

Instead, I could cobble together some nice bullet points (everyone likes a list), or an unamusing topic (like irony – what’s that about?).

But perhaps, I keep uploading my style of writing into the AI, en-mass and it gradually considers my blogs to be the example of what a blog should look like, and as hacks (bless ’em) look to imitate writing styles – they can all come to take examples proffered by AI, and thus, therefore and hence….magnum opuses for everyone!

That was lucky.

Sam

Issues physically, facially, farcically

Posted: June 28, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

So.

So, so, so (as the Cat in the Hat said)…

There’s not enough space on the planet.

There’s not enough space now, because there’s not going to be enough space eventually.

Take holy war (take it, please) out of the equation, plus economic turmoil, climate migration and historic grudges ‘tween nations, and we’re still left with a problem that even bunk-beds can’t solve.

If humanity is to continue as per its namesake, then bunk-beds simply isn’t going to cut it, and nor will anything other than colonisation of the nearest, reddest planet.

Oh look, how convenient. Mars.

Bunk-beds on Mars, that’s practical.

Tolerating neighbours on this planet (and I’m talking about Earth – you’ve probably been there) just isn’t in the community spirit.

I’m talking about elbow-room, and I’m talking about elbow-room in the manner of someone more than ready to do some pretty effing serious elbowing if the neighbours start coming too close.

It’s going to get physical, before it gets celestial.

Physical at my end especially, due to my FFF (Fat Fucking Face).

That’s cause enough for someone to want depart the planet for redder shores, but not without giving said FFF a good elbowing first.

And I’d elbow them back, partly due to the insult, partly due to the frustration of the insult being based in fact (FFFF – Fat Fucking Face Fact), and partly to take their spot in the galactic life boat to Mars.

They’d respond in kind to my unkind response, and we’d proceed to elbow each other until either one of us has departed the planet or until we’ve both realised that this amount of elbows to the face is only making our faces farcically fatter (FFFFF – Farcically Fat Fucking Face Fact).

It’s just water weight. Which is great since I understand Mars needs water.

I hope that makes sense.

Sam

Character flaws: something to stand on.

Posted: June 11, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When struggling, generally, I turn to writing.

I turn to it, because it is always behind me. Creeping up in prose.

Maybe I should do it more, since it’s inevitable, and I don’t like being crept up on.

Regardless…when I do turn to writing, amidst struggles, I like to focus on my weaknesses.

Humour makes the world go round, and sideways. My blog, and to a lesser extent – my life, is world-like.

Weaknesses, mine in particular, are a wonderful source of humour.

Like learning from my mistakes. I don’t indulge in that sort of thing.

I mentioned ‘turning’ earlier. Well, it’s more like spinning.

I 360 myself and step straight upon the rake that sent me spinning in the first place and ask myself: “can you believe this?”

Stupidity is the essence here, not the identity.

I’m not stupid, I know that much, I’m just struggling with lower level stuff, like progress.

I don’t progress, since I’m still figuring where I am. It’s hard to move forward from nowhere in particular.

You’ll know some people are goal-orientated. I’m not, but what is that ‘not’?

What’s the opposite of goal-orientation?

Procrastinating-manifestation? I do nothing, therefore I don’t?

Ultimately, I’m capable of the same errors I committed 20 years ago.

I’m terrified of my capacity to enjoy doing nothing, being swallowed up by demands upon my time; such as progress and learning.

It’s just not me. These are my essential aspects, the character flaws that make me.

Something to stand on.

Deduct these flaws and I’m still spinning, but the pirouette of my failings gives way to a roundabout with no exits, and other such awful metaphors.

I like not progressing.

I’m just more-me than ever, and I don’t require a goal to justify my existence, continuing or otherwise.

That being said, it does cause issues. Like boredom.

And so, I turn again to writing.

The other issue is that I upload my writing to a blog, this one, and then people like you have it thrust upon yourselves and have to deal with it.

Good luck.

Can’t blame me, I was just spinning.

Sam

25th anniversary of a new millennia – China has dragons!

Posted: January 1, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Happy new year!

I hope you had a good one. I didn’t really have ‘one’ – having slept through the celebrations.

I’ve had worse – such as the beginning of the year 2000, which today is the 25th anniversary.

I poked myself in the eye with a Union Jack flag, which was a crap start to the millennium.

And since then I’ve felt unappreciative of the timing of NYE.

It’s always 1000 years since 1000 years ago. Today is just 25 years since a particular 1000 years ago.

Tomorrow, a different millennia will have passed.

Whoops, there went another just then, but that might have been an adorable little century.

There are beginnings and ends across eternity, and I find focusing on only one beginning and end is just a little meagre.

All that time, all those stories, happinesses and sadnesses, era defining events redirecting courses of a trillion ships, and reliable irrelevancies, the things we’ll never know but still happened and will continue to tomorrow onwards…. saving consideration of that solely for each 31st December is a disservice to the time that has passed.

Plus, and more importantly, firework shows are dull.

It’s hard to get a good narrative going with a fireworks show.

They’re very samey – very quickly – so once you’ve seen the first minute of a fireworks show, you’ve already seen the rest. The first 60 seconds is all you need.

After that, you start to feel a bit dopey realising you’re part of a crowd all looking up at the same thing, like a cow in a herd only you’re doing something far less exciting than eating grass.

And it’s not just in-person. If watching-back the following day, you really needn’t watch a New Year’s Eve firework show specific to that year. I can watch 2008’s show and it’s genuinely much the same, as is 2010 in Paris, 2015 Sydney or 2022 NYC.

You also needn’t re-watch just on New Year’s Eve – August is doable too in case you want to insert some boredom in your summer.

I think the narrative issue is because a NYE firework show has to start with a relatively big bang and it struggles to temper its storytelling from there – unlike China’s drone-show last night.

Starting slow, building-up a story, with fewer bangs meaning you could hear the softer music, unleashing the fireworks towards a crescendo featuring a dragon which was so cool that I’m now delighted to announce it was real.

Yes it was.

They had a real dragon.

A real dragon, made in China.

Still, firework shows remain a broadly dull engagement.

I can picture someone in Ancient China living their Ancient Chinese life, attending a firework show for some national celebration, slowly realising they’re board too – partaking in an already old-age custom continued down the line to me as I watch London’s 2024 firework show above the Thames – also bored.

As well as the lack of dragons, I think the issue is the setting.

A dark night’s sky is a perfect blackly-blank canvas to hit with all those colours, but its a bit distant. If you go to a fireworks show, the fireworks aren’t actually there where you are.

A firework beneath your duvet first thing in the morning however – that’ll stay with you, and yes – so will the burns, but let’s focus on the memories.

Real dragons beneath the sheets would also result in burns, but perhaps this is something we just have to appreciate in the passage of time.

Anyway, happy new year.

But remember: millennia happen every day. As do their 25th anniversaries.

Sam

Social media: nothing has changed. But we must.

Posted: December 19, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Matters that Matter | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

About a year ago (when would have been a good time to share publish this blog) – there was a great deal made of ‘X’ (then, and forever really, ‘Twitter’) becoming a platform permitting right-wing content, bullying and dangerous topics.

I myself didn’t notice any difference, the only real impact being that WordPress would no-longer be so easily shareable to the X site.

Perhaps, it depends on where on the X site you’re looking. I wasn’t really looking at right-wing, bullying or dangerous things, so that might be why. I just desperately scrawling through it to see who was sharing blogs about what they had for breakfast.

But there was no change I could tell.

I did notice, however, that there was something still a major factor of social media. As I spent hours scrolling and scrolling through the content on X, Instagram, and Facebook, it eventually dawned on me that social media is a profound waste of time.

And I’ve only got so much time, and I need it to write about my breakfast (today, toast. Tomorrow, the world!).

Hasn’t it always been a waste of time? Perhaps a cool waste of time? Especially X?

In my life, Facebook was the original place to waste time: posting pointless updates featuring the latest and most hip abbreviations, sharing photos of people literally just sitting around with a variety of hand gestures, and ‘liking’ pages ranging from an esoteric movie (Ergo: “Hey, I’m esoteric, like this movie.“) to (and I don’t know what to call this): a page titled “Hey it’s snowing! Brilliant!“.

Photos continued to be shared on Facebook through my 20s, and now I can’t delete the damn thing because it is the sole location of my kid’s baby photos. Mine too, probably.

Twitter was meant to be the means by which my extraordinary blog would be shared with soon-to-be adoring fans, as well as a foundation for further research into the absurdly interesting concepts that I could soon write about.

But then, I was ‘followed’ by a local carpet shop in my home town and I realised its proclivity for wasted time was confirmed. They still follow-me, and they too don’t seem any more right-wing than usual (likely due to going out-of-business several years ago).

Instagram is brilliant, the best way to share images and video. A great place for a blog, surely.

Otherwise, every other social media seems to be the same.

TikTok only seems to differ from Instagram as it is a means of People’s Republic of China’s subversion of Western stability, whilst Instagram is less-so. Instagram is best at short videos, YouTube long ones, TikTok pro-sedition ones.

Rest assured, what we had for breakfast can be duly shared on each of these.

My point is that the whilst there’s focus of each social media, the fact is they’re all broadly a waste of time.

Yes, I’m sure you too have heard of people who met their one-true love on Facebook, or are making money from Instagram, or even using the platform to share truly inspiring content. But you’re not, you didn’t and you likely won’t.

You did, however, waste your time. And not in the right way.

Remember that time on Facebook when there was a specific scenario benefiting you with brilliant life-experience a great tale to tell? No, of course not. Exactly the same as when you were on Twitter and nothing proceeded to happen there either.

It’s better to have a bad day in bad weather than to waste time on social media.

That way, you can either make good use of time or waste it too, but it’ll be real-life. Which is useful either way. More social media – less you.

Social media is not an experience.

We’re programmed to find ways to use and waste time as humans. Look at me writing this blog – a far more productive way to waste time.

Ultimately, social media hasn’t changed. It didn’t need to. Neither did we, but we do now.

Waste time in real life, not online.

Sam

RayGunn – breaking Breaking at an Olympic level

Posted: August 26, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Matters that Matter | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Firstly, put an end to the Olympics. They’re not immoral quite yet, but in a few years we’ll realise it and so putting a stop to it now saves time.

Secondly, let’s rely on ridiculousness. Because that’s what it all very much so is. Ridiculous.

Whilst some competitions are undoubtedly impressive – weightlifting, running, shotput, wrestling, etc. They’re all also, largely, non-applicable.

Sure, one might suddenly find oneself needing to leap over a 2-meter fence, or swimming as a team in a frighteningly in-sync manner, but aside from those specific circumstances – its all unnecessary.

Breakdancing, or as I’ve learnt it is also called – ‘Breaking’, is not necessary an act. Rarely will you have to spin your legs whilst walking on your hands, or impersonate a kangaroo for some reason.

You don’t need to do that. Unless you’re being an artist.

As an artist, spinning your legs whilst walking on your hands, and especially – ESPECIALLY – impersonating a kangaroo; is essential.

Probably.

I, likely like you, know nothing about Breaking – similar I suspect to most people everywhere.

I don’t know what the point is, the objectives or demonstration of style, in terms of it being a competition. Why and how to gain a point – I’ve no idea.

Also like most people, I grew up with Hollywood portraying Breaking as ultra-athletic spinning, flipping at crooked angles and bouncing on your head in a very work-casual manner.

That’s an essential point in the understanding the potential misunderstanding.

It’s not just meant to be athletic and impressive.

Potentially – it can be just artistic and revealing.

Maybe, I don’t know anything about what I’m talking about.

This most recent Olympics, 2024 in Paris, Aussie Raygun performed a routine that was unathletic, and thus accordingly – unimpressive.

That maybe was intended; to demonstrate a Breaking routine that reveals your artistic vision (breaking away from the athletic standards of the rest of the Olympics).

Watching the routine, I was reminded of interpretive dance. Yes, that interpretive dance – the kind you’re all thinking of when you read that. The same sort as demonstrated by God in Family Guy, or by Marty the landlord in the The Big Lebowski.

Raygun put on a show that was interpretive dance, not sport.

But there’s more to this.

I watched one of her full routines. I did not see the routine of her opponent. I didn’t get their name, nationality, or any indication into how good it was – either artistically or athletically.

What did I miss?

A problem for the Olympics, aside from the many that aren’t my point here, is configuring how to score artistic points over athletic point scoring. And then it’s justifying arts being a part of the Olympics. And then the dire need to justify inclusion so as to retain a TV audience that mainly tunes-in for the opening ceremonies and a couple of finals.

There’s always going to be a furor when new directions are taken, especially when poorly considered and explained.

I suspect, Raygun’s contribution was artistic and not what Hollywood has previously depicted.

As interpretive dance – it was pretty cool. Athletically lame (observe comparatively to gymnastics), but it was otherwise cool.

I didn’t like the grasping her chin thing, but otherwise…I like the kangaroo.

That said – I don’t know know what I’m talking about on Breaking – likely similar to you.

My advice to Raygun in response to the attention coming her way is to enjoy her family, friends and her academic career. See if you can make an Aussie buck or two, but mostly – under this spotlight – direct people to where they can learn more about this sport (art?) you love.

At least she went for it. Most people just write things online (see samsywoodsy.com).

Sam

Writing without a purpose

Posted: July 30, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I don’t like writing for people. Reading it is the worst part of my work.

People (or as I call them ‘people’) as an audience mean that there has to be an intent with the words.

And it’s nice not to have an intent. I prefer to be pleasingly pointless.

Like keepie-ups.

That’s why I kick balls.

And sentences like these are why I write.

Of course, I do try to have some impact here and there. But I prefer being ineffectual – it’s more expressive.

Perhaps that’s the point.

Meaningless matters. And that’s all our shame.

And, slightly…pride.

For me, irrelevancy gets the job done.

Just like this.

Whistling. Whistling in the wind. Perhaps also peeing.

Crickey – I’m good at summing myself up.

Sam

Getting old – a quandry of vegetable care

Posted: July 21, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m the sort of chap who has a great idea, tells people about, takes little-to-no action, allows a few years to pass by, and eventually wonders: “why didn’t I do that?”

You might know this sensation.

I wanted a vegetable patch in my garden – to grow my own, beat the system and enjoy fresh air, etc.

My wife and I had a slight disagreement on where such a patch would go – and it proceeded not to happen.

Later, friends told me they were growing their own veg. “How nice” I thought.

Later still, colleagues told me the same. “How nicer” I continued.

My brother then announced he was getting an allotment – the mark of someone who wants to grow vegetables so much that they do it in public.

Lastly, my wife told me she was starting a veg-patch wherever the hell she wanted in our garden.

Suddenly it seemed I was surrounded by home-growers of an idea I’d had years ago, and was feeling somewhat left behind and out of the veg-growing picture.

Other people my age are growing their own, enjoying the process and link to their land, and probably vegetables too.

I’m yet again behind, inspired to have an idea that becomes in-vogue in time, but not inspired enough to take action at the time.

Others are saving money, becoming in tune with the Earth and growing both themselves – and carrots.

What am I going to do? I’m such a loser – I didn’t even grow vegetables when I had the chance and and other people my age have so much going on, especially cabbage, and I really need to get my act together before………………………….oh wait it’s only growing vegetables.

Quite irrelevant really – when you want them to be. Still, I’m getting old.

I’ve had my efforts.

I tried growing a pineapple plant, which struggled until my dog snapped it in half – promptly ending the struggle.

I also grew tomatoes a few years ago – but that’s too easy. It’s like trying to grow a beard – effortless whether you succeed or not.

So, sure enough I do need to begin growing something, to remain a part of the pack – but it needs to have a edge to it. Just so I can feel slightly ahead of the curve for once, like I used to be.

Naturally I turned to sea-monkeys.

In place of the pineapple plant I was growing with my son, tiny crustaceans seemed like the next best bet/pet.

However – it turns out you can’t really rear and eat these minuscule specimens. You can drink them down in one, get a bad tummy ache and rear them back up again – but you can’t enjoy chewing them.

And they’re not very intimate a collection either – individually or as a herd. Carrots are better company.

We did name one though. On the theme of them being sea-faring monkeys, we named him: “Ooh Ooh ARGH!”

I think next I’ll try tomatoes, but grow them where no one would expect – like my brothers allotment. Watered with sea-monkeys.

That’d show them all.

That’d show everyone.

Sam

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