What’s Your Favourite Colour?

What and Why So? Simple Questions; My Answers (1).

What’s Your Favourite Colour?

Good questions are the simplest.

I’ve always found that when in need of a conversation starter; go back to the old favourites. The classics of “What’s Your Name?”, “How Old Are You?” and “Can You Smell That? GOOD!” are reliable to see you through any introduction and can indeed let blossom a real keeper of a conversation.

In these simple proddings; the complex revelations come forth, and I hope that throughout this series they shall come forth mightily.

What is your favourite colour?

Who, me?

Beige.

Beige.

What?

Now I’m a fan of Billy Connolly and I’m aware of and enthralled by his near-disregard-but-more-like-“I’m-going-to-Scottish-you”-contempt for the colour. I am aware of the focus upon beige as being the sort of colour you’d feel comfortable leaving your children with whilst you went out for a night on the town; painting it Red with Blue language, uploading something Green and Orange by the end of it.

The issue I have with this is that being dependable is not necessarily a bad thing; it merely suffers connotations of dullness.

Not that I’m the hero you can count on; suffering myself as I do with plentiful heaps of flakiness. I’m so flaky you can stick me in an ice-cream; not that I’d keep to that for long before changing my mind.

Beige is also my natural colour; my tint upon this Earth. I was born beige and shall die so; tattoos permitting. I’ve been referred to by every racial slur under the sun; with accusations of Arab ancestry being my most frequent asundering. The unfortunately ill-educated folk of the town in which I was raised found my darker skin colour baffling; though delighted in the chance to call me nigger and (once) tell me to go back to Swaziland.

They weren’t even good at being racist; the colours were too much for them.

I was picked on for being a colour I wasn’t. I dazzled them with beige.

Not that I hold any grudge against beige; only a hope that it should come to succeed its history of dull association and instead reveal itself to be the dependably brave and weird colour you’ve been looking for.

I’d like to go a’peacocking in beige; save only for the problem that the clothing Beige comes in less than flattering cuts.

All those other folk out there yell around about red. The colour of passion and danger, love and blood. Rubies and lips. Not really, guys. Not really. Only firemen live up to this classification; being as they are folk who spend their working hours on fire, kicking down doors, saving dangling damsels, retrieving cats from trees and holding axes.

I have ambition of doing all that, 9 to 5 and as a hobby too, all whilst doused in Beige.

Blue tries to suggest it is the colour of cool and cold. No way funny face. Blue is a damning attempt in ordering the populace to calm down and enjoy your journey through the system. Blue tries to tell me what to do, whilst I’m waiting in a waiting room (that’s what you’re supposed to do in them) and Blue says: “Wait longer; and be more subjugate.”

Someday I shall make red upon them all. I’ll do what I want in waiting rooms. Beige things.

Black. Oooh dear me; Black. Poor little old Black. Nothing wrong with Black in and of itself; but for the pesky Lord of the Rings consistency of making “dark Lord” and “Black lands” the epitome of evil.

Whatever did Black do to you, J.R.R? Aside from that whole spooky night-time-can’t-see-stubbed-toe-can-I-hear-a-growl issue you really should have gotten over by now by now (being deceased and all).

Poor old Black.

In the same vibrant vein, White isn’t so grand a thing either.

A White dress doesn’t make the woman a keeper and a White horse doesn’t make the rider moral.

The White be noteth thee goodeth.

Yellow is like the Plan B of the rainbow.

Only things that are currently Yellow are meant to be Yellow. Naturally I’d prefer my lemons to be Yellow and for my blondes to remain so, but I want nothing else to be Yellow.

Green is a liar. Nuclear-aliens or Mother Nature’s ivy….crikey Green; make up your mind. Just be yourself. Don’t do what the rest of the rainbow tells you to be.

I just come back to Beige, once again.

Beige is a colour one can rely on; I just hope to wear it in adventure enough that people might rely on it for things less dull in the future.

I want to paint the town Beige; the colour of cool and dangerous love you can rely on.

So in what I hope was a more complex answer to the simple question, my colour is Beige.

Next time; how old am I?

Sam


I Sleep-Off Syphilis. I Walk-Off Amputation

You’ve got to feel pity for crabs.

Naturally I’m referring to the wee-itty-bitty pubic habitants.

They’re on the way out – fucked to a degree even they’ve never seen before.

Fucked to irony.

A shame for sure, yet I spy and opportunity here; partly coming from being sparky in mind, largely due to feeling horny (whilst being hornly-felt; what a way to write!) and mostly owing to hunger.

Here we have a delicacy that only need be made delicate.

Some ballroom, some European Duke, some Governess spoiling us, a silver platter encumbered with the delights of the finest-bred higher-class prostitutes of Paris; specially bred crabs.

On a stick.

I could bring that about…it’s not as though I’m to be afflicted with the creepy little entrees.

I’m not the sort to have a hard time for medical reasons; that’s not very me.

My immune system is on the offensive and highly offensive.

It teases Gonoreah and bloodies the nose of bleeding noses.

I only bleed for the drama and the sexuality of the moment; matching my outfit and causing a stir when I enter ballrooms (one of my favourite things to enter; aside from women dazzled by my resistance to the entrees).

Bleeding only succeeds in certain areas.

Such as my chest; which can only bleed through three claws scratches, tentatively exposing what’s beneath my shirt.

An indistinct patch of blood on the bicep looks grand too, although only whilst fighting a revolutionary cause and waving a flag. The wound must also be tightly bound in a sexy rag gifted to me by some impassioned wench, who’s also holding my musket for me.

The old wounds were the best. An arrow gouge gets one into so many more clubs than one of these modern “car crash seat-belt whip” wimpy modes. How’s that meant to impress a bouncer; just because one is wearing a windshield?

Bleeding goes so well with black. And not everything does.

Whilst they say black goes with everything, this refers purely to colour. However, though the colour might well go and indeed bugger off with black, it doesn’t mean the substance the colour is of can accompany it also.

For example, as stated, red goes with black; blood goes with black.

Pale grey goes with black; vomit does not.

Vomit only goes well with buckets and humorous landings splats of your current scenario.

I saw Yellow Fever, which goes very poorly with black by the way, in the street a few days ago, or rather I saw its cowardly coloured back as it whizzed away to take out its frustrations on South East Asia.

My immune system does have a tendency to take no prisoners and gift no mercy.

Such as the time malaria got me.

It was a short and chilly summer that spring, with the birds singing sweetly beneath the water and the sun rising early after a brief lunchtime siesta. In other words; times were absurd; permit me a tad absurder.

What did you do to malaria Sam?

Why I’ll tell ya. I took that innocent young malaria strain into my broad and willowy arms and though it struggled immensely, we eventually reached an amicable forced marriage.

Followed by several beautiful and lethal offspring (I wasn’t on the pill), after which my malaria-bride made a break for it with dreams of being either a vet or a contagion. It was at this point I nobly threw acid in its face and told it to get to scrubbing whatever the fuck I told it to scrub.

You have to keep these diseases in their place, otherwise they’ll get all uppity and start demanding higher pay and penetrating your central nervous system.

I’m not at all certain as to why, but I’ve an urge to reassure you all that I do not consider women to be a negative thing, especially when compared to diseases or injuries.

I do however find funny things funny; equating with the previous.

I sleep-off syphilis.

I walk-off amputation.

I begrudge malaria receiving an education.

I am prepared to cater to the fancy ball with pubic crabs on sticks because I’m a fancy motherfucker with pubic ideas.

I am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Now go kick smallpox in the derrière.

Plus…GIRL POWER!

Sam


Watching the Sun Rise is Unproductive

An enormous gaseous globe rose from the sea’s end and illuminated my world in moments more beautifully than much I have seen, much as it has succeeded in so for eons, epochs, millennia, all of time and yesterday.

High hopes for tomorrow too.

So I didn’t get much done that morning, although my land was golden green, ruby blue, sun fire yellow and a purple only the cosmos can lay upon us.

Am I a good person? Because I’m guilty thus.

Bullfighting is something I would, if so empowered, flick a switch to end the elderly and embarrassing sport, yet I would also pay to see it if opportuned so.

It is an experience this world offers, and with life being so short and all the more apparently so since watching following watching this; how can I yield myself?

Yet still I would end it, with that switch of mine.

I would eat dog when offered and well cooked.

Dogs are amongst our oldest and greatest tools, the species would not be where it is if it weren’t for our identifying of the tremendous power of canines.

This remains with us today.

For amongst those great powers is the intelligence of personality, providing us a companionship of such strong and loving bonds that one cannot be called a “master”; but perhaps older brother will do.

It says so much for both our united species in that throughout all the monstrosity of ancient living in prehistoric life, these two great groups found each other and the inter-species bond proceeded from there.

My children will grow with a dog, my wife and I will die with one, and I would still eat the roasted flesh of one simply being that it is an experience to experience.

I would not kill a man to eat him, but should it come to combat I would like to give him cause to never wish us encounter again.

I would cut off and eat nothing vital, yet something he’d miss.

Not his heart or vitals. Not his eyes or brain. Perhaps just an ear, or a pinky.

What is missing, taken, leaves a mark and I jolly well just might.

In Samoan history the greatest threat and then insult was to say to your enemy: “you’re shit, I’m going to make you shit”, defeat him in battle, butcher him into entrees, eat some and turn him into shit.

No greater defeat.

No greater insult.

I’d eat your pinky, so don’t fuck with me or I’ll shit you.

I don’t know if the ancient Samoans had a ceremony for the first poo following the post battle brunch. I wonder if they looked forward to it, presuming this poo was once you? I just don’t know.

This went through my head as the sun rose.

Perhaps I should have laid in.

Watching the sun rise is unproductive.

Sam


Gallant Without Option

It’s all in the shoulders.

Every last bit.

I lift.

And I can’t stop.

My shoulders are so gallant; I can’t help but ferry a woman over a gender-barricading obstacle upon mere sight.

I carried so many woman down 12 flights of stairs recently that I had to buy new shoes.

It’s all in the shoulders.

And I can’t get it out.

The cost of shoes is one expense to cause my wallet to shrivel in fear; yet this is merely loose change compared to my outgoings in the cost of capes.

My capes; my capes.

Once the talk of the town and vocality of the locality.

Now they either wait for me patiently as hostages in my dry cleaners till payment matters are met, or they lay drowned in an irrelevant pool I could not bear for a good and find lady to dare dirty her soles within.

It’s all in the shoulders.

Not in the slightest bit in the swing.

My hopes that my swooping swing of a really rather dashing glove my give cause to the insulter of my latest and sudden beloved suffer an embarrassed cheek, rather than myself to suffer from one hand gloved and another gripping once-pleasing remnants.

My glove bill brings tears to my eyes and drool to my tailor’s chin.

I must work more on my swing, less on my shoulders.

But one cannot bear a weight in one’s swing.

Only cause a whooshing sound.

It’s all in the shoulders.

Rather than lifting; I think I’ll take up dropping.

Sam


Immortalised Moi

Three miles away, there shall be a bear, be it Black, Grizzly or Pooh – breed matters not, and it shall be fleeing; fleeing from the fact of me a’stoney – three miles away in the new capital, busied by floral tributes and perhaps some well-put-together and recently deconstructed oxen.

In terms of animal sacrifice, I feel it’d be rude not to accept.

It seems natural to expect statues of myself to appear; pimpling the globe, here – in honour of my recently being deemed worthy to have a statue, there – being used to keep the pigs in the forest.

I muse fondly the idea of having sat-upon-feet, by lovers sharing an ice-cream whilst also having no idea who I am because they’re young.

It is but a shame statues aren’t a rebellious art form, being an erection of the establishment only.

It’d work though, with a sudden subversive statue on your front door – cope with that won’t you please Mr Reagan?

Me, as stone, shall gather no moss and isis (because they deserve lower-case) will keep away from this piece of articulated rock.

They’ll take note of my presence and consider as follows:

  1. Naturally; urinate. Urinate all over their own western candy.
  2. Turn the gun to themselves, look down the barrel, give it a brief suck as some vague hope of demonstrating greater subservient allegiance before; finally…
  3. Emitting an “Oh I see” in that democracy is the way forward, being gay is irrelevant whilst gay people aren’t and woman are terrific – let them try a book.

How did they realise democracy is the way forward?

They read it my democratic countenance.

I look democratic.

And, thus, you shall also be democratic; because I said so.

It’ll go with your new rebellious statues on the city centre.

Since you’ve asked, and I’m glad you did, as to how I would most like to be appreciated in stone once departed, there are several things upon to ruminate upon within the hallowed-hollow.

Such as: what cloth shall I wear?

I shall be nude.

Everyone’s laboured hard today and we all deserve a treat.

However, I’ll need something to flow – the best statues have a flow to them.

Got it – the luscious hide of a monstrous beast I bested, tamed, struck up a striking brotherly familiarity with and finally put out of its withered misery with game of fetch so intense one might describe as being “to-the-hilt!”.

Plus an actual stab to the hilt, owing to it being a monstrous beast and needing metaphors to be hammered home somewhat.

And you can bet your bottom…arse…that I won’t be urinating.

But why not Sam, you magnificent chap you?

Because it’s remarkably amusing to see the number of honoured deities flooding the market square with well-plumbed flows. And whilst this may be so; I’ve a better idea for everyone.

For, yea, I shall shit you your daily bread and prosecute all trespasses.

Actually; I’m all in favour of permitting a hint of trespassing (yes – I went there), but the humour is more humorous if we remain in good humour and don’t get a little too technical.

Intelligently mechanised automated bakeries, installed within the magnificent depths (my depths are magnificent) of my statues, having collaborated with my personal physicians, will feed the poor and aid the working single mother on her way home without time to pop to the shops.

Every hour and 30 minutes, another loaf emerges from between my heavenly yet Earthly buttocks and plummets into the waiting arms of the grateful below.

An added advantage of this is the appreciation shown by the gulls and pigeons for the morsels of bready-leavings in that they shit on other statues in other parts of the city/woods.

And that show of gratitude matters to me most of all.

Not to mention, should you shit on me; I’m the kind of statue to shit right back at you.

Even it’s a nice, considerate shit in the shape of a romance-heart. Thoust should have shat elsewhere, birdy.

I’ll punch a poo into you purely because it’s lyrical.

You feathery motherfucker; you want to get shitty at height with this immovable object?

I’ll be immovable all over; takes your eggs and have an omelette out of your lineage.

Plus beaks are dim. Your main method of eating requires you to headbutt the floor until you’re certain you’ve met with a good angle to grasp, toss thee petty crumb of crust high into the air and swallow whole (and, yes, whilst this may be my own preference of eating grapes, I’m still insulting you over it. Only idiots eat like us).

A statue, grubby or not, tends to look as though a bath is very much so in order.

Craving, with rain teared stoney eyes, a soak in the tub.

Where’d I’d become warm and gooey as though the centre of the Earth only 6 times as delicious.

I bet the centre of the Earth is a tasty place to be.

Working your way there after the rough crust of Vietnam, with the necessary healthy greens of northern South America, avoiding Saudi Arabia because no one wants that bit – the coffee bean in the Minstrel packet.

And the Earth is good, sturdy, take no mercy filling, complete with pleasant surprises that tingle the tongue, like a subterranean nuclear-proof palace of Kim Jong-un, and the occasional mole.

Working through that filling like you’re lusty. Lusty and proud with a tongue they’ll write songs of.

I lap at that planet, watchful of those wettards which may be a little too soggy. The Atlantic is guilty of this. Meanwhile the Sahara requires a beverage post-lapping. And London is just right, if a tad gritty.

Though I’ll bet Florida is like the juice you cannot but glug away at, refreshment to the hilt.

“To the hilt” – a phrase to remind us of a time when the utmost by which a thing could be done was as long as the blade you plunged into someone.

Let’s keep this phrasing up, shall we?

Take myself, for example. I am writing this article to the point of stabbing a fellow to full extent. I couldn’t possibly stab him any further – I’d quite exhausted my reach of stab; that’s how hard dedicated I am to this article.

Because murder is convincing.

Not as convincing as a statue; of course.

And none more so than a statue of me as myself.

Because I’m the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Keep in touch with your stone masons.

Tip them regularly.

Sam


How to Query, Since You Asked So Poorly

Why is oil the only thing still currently measured in barrels?

Why not apples?

Or wily scamps avoiding the coppers having pocketed some old soft gents watch?

How much oil equates to a barrel?

Is it the height of a scamp?

Is there a young orphan boy with a roguish grin and a pep-step kept perpetually within barrel production warehouses, having barrels brought up to him and his height (his height and him?) whereby a soulless chap with no grin a’roguish and no step a’pepy and only a hardhat and no future to his name begins to approach.

At this point the chap, so much a miser he even hates penguins (especially when they topple over), holds the barrel up to the scamp’s body and emits a: “Yeah. S’pose that’s a measurement of oil for sure.” and then proceeds to simply leave the orphan child to himself.

Now we encounter sadness.

Remember, being roguish and alone is a false economy unless you show what you were roguish with to another.

How do they keep the scamp there?

Do they feed him pocket watches?

Barrels are the preferred method of the enlightened as a means of getting to the bottom of hills, whilst also being shit as a means of ascending them.

Personally, arriving dizzy gives a man a far greater measure of the location than had he arrived typically and…therefore…morose.

Dizziness gives one a superior perception of the room, particularly in the direction you aren’t attempting to look.

My people and I are well versed in the visual layout of the bottom of our more proximate hills.

It’s a preferred rallying point following our hill-top functions.

The top of a hill seems like a mighty place to debate opinion.

Perhaps owing to subconscious reminiscing and a surging forth of prior emotions relating to a youthful victory in the sport of ‘King of the Castle’.

I might argue a little more persuasively and a tad more vehemently under the sway of temptation to see my opponent, most likely my girlfriend, tumble.

Or more likely; roll. She tends to keep a barrel nearby for her gravity-inspired commute.

I’ve never seen her use it for measuring oil though.

How clever of her.

Sweetheart.

What might be superior an oil measurement to barrels?

Litres.

What is the easiest location to shoot fish?

The difference is clear.

Nobody shoots fish in a litre.

Thanks for your time,

Sam


I am the Greatest Human to Ever Live (Part 6. My Life in Compliments)

I’ve had a fair few hot meals and I’ve had a fair few collisions with brick walls.

All there was left to do following both of these activities (because I do spend my time doing these sorts of things) was to be complimented on how I went about them.

And I am complimented about them.

I am complimented a lot.

I fucking adore compliments.

I’ve been told I’m a natural at receiving them.

False modesty should dwindle down in the English South Downs and die like a dog in the sun-like warmth emanating from the confident folk of Brighton town; self-assured in their assertions and plentiful in immoderate compliments to their kin.

As I spoke of earlier, I’ve ravaged some hot meals and brick walls in my meandering stroll across the surface of where we are and here are some of the crackers which really got my chin up and penis likewise.

“But you look like a muscular piano!”

I mention this as a primary for the list as it speaks eternal fact.

Yes…darling.

I do look like only a master craftsman could create me whilst also appearing as though I’m as natural as a waterfall in the nude.

And yes…sister.

I am aware that I look just swell with a dinner-gowned femme-most-fatale lying across my broad LID as though all she wants to do is clamber inside but it was my idea first and so I’m going in.

Finally, it is true…sweet woman.

There is a shade to my hair which suggests that I can produce the most transcendent odes to love and joy the species can conjure, but for some reason, some handsome reason, I’m going to have to do it with my shirt torn across the chest to a degree that women from all eras of time, from Cavewoman to Victorian, peasant to hipster, all wilt at the sight of me and focus on the way I heave a concerto out into the public domain.

Sure, I heave concertos and I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not certain as to where I’m heaving it from, nor am I aware as to why heaving it is necessary at all…but I know for sure it gets me compliments.

I look like a muscular piano and I’m damn proud of that.

“Sam. Your hair looks like George Orwell!”

I know.

Thank you again for bringing it up as you did.

My main issue with this compliment is that people might assume it’s just an attempt by those admirers of mine to fling some political concrete into the waviness of my shy but not-without-confidence hair.

And there’s no need for that.

My hair is a revelation to our current dystopian society in that it rings true all the way from the scalp to the not-too-distant future; don’t eat each other.

I have a feeling that this needs to be made clear and of course I am inspired by my hair to do so.

People know this about me as much as they know this about themselves; they are inspired by my barnet and the prose it seems to produce…somehow.

Perched atop my head there is a hair-do of substantial flourish; there is no chance that this hair is going to die by any manner other than by waterfall (however naturally nude) or God.

Tweed suits my hair, as does strong tobacco and English furniture. Indeed – all suits my hair, aside from waterfalls and God as they will be the undoing of it and make it a prerequisite for things going south sourly.

I just wish they wouldn’t get involved, but they are insistent.

That’s not the Jehovah God by the way, I’m talking of course about Poseidon – undoubtedly the wettest God ever devised.

This is why he gets together with a waterfall to undo my hair’s natural Orwellian nature; because when one wet thing meets another they generally equate to an unwelcome dryness unbecoming of a young contrarian such as I. Not that I’d agree with such a statement.

The encounters I’ve had with waterfalls and wet Gods have driven my locks to scribble, most devoutly, visions of a mean future without hope of my hair staying un-frizzed by the lashings of moisture unwelcome.

Fucking Poseidon.

Fucking waterfalls.

Why must they have so much to do with hidden chests and booty? Why must the fairest of maidens, all welcomingly wet to the ideal moistness of female, be so nearby to them?

I find this all most uncomplimentary, but at least people say my hair looks like George Orwell.

“For someone who’s not a father – I sure want a masculine fuck from you.”

I fuck like my cum is the cure.

And apparently the locals of my locale are hyper aware of this, resulting in a hell of a long night and a multiple increase of things done down by the fire.

I like the fire – it dries my hair out. Plus my sleek pubic region.

My pubic hair is the only hair which doesn’t look like George Orwell – it gives no heed of a brave warm stare into the cold and brutal future.

Indeed, I believe it was Orwell who spoke: “Now you look here, future. If you try to ban my orgasm…I’m going to enjoy it.”

And he was right. So correct my hair could have said it.

Not my pubic hair however – as I’ve said.

Should my pubic hair speak; it’d likely just compliment me and tell me a tale about “Oh the things I’ve seen,” in which crabs are a mortal enemy.

Maybe it’s the way I wear my jumper and get out of chairs with a slight grunt these days that makes the rest of the species wish to go about procreating with the father-figure I am.

Perhaps it’s the manner in which I exude a natural air of “THIS IS MY FUCKING TREE WITH MY FUCKING PEACHES IN IT! SO TAKE YOUR WATERFALL AND TRIDENT AND GET A LIFE, NERD!” which makes the girls (Oh the girls) land on me, as well as, regrettably, the heftier half of the species.

I find myself climbed by the females of local.

They play with my hair and learn harsh lessons from it, whilst also gliding their hands over my muscular-piano-like frame and whispering sweet everythings in my ear.

I’ve perpetually preferred sweet everythings to their counterparts as I like to feel a little more constructive in my flirtations…not that I flirt anymore.

Flirting is for the brave…and I am not brave.

I am merely victorious. That’s all.

I enter bars with my shoes nowhere to be seen and nothing but a lance over my shoulder and a flute in my breast pocket.

Women love a breast pocket in use. And a lance heavily shouldered.

I then take a knee and roar at the sky something seemingly transient yet unyielding and eternally virtuous like: “AAAARRRRGGGHHH” or perhaps even: “EVERYONE – YOU’RE ALL LOOKING SWELL THIS EVENING” before collapsing with such romanticism that a man could never lift me owing to my weighty legs (“It’s as though his bones are made of gold!”) whilst a woman would most certainly rouse me by a sheer touching of my cheek.

I only really wake up these days if a maiden caresses my cheek – all other forms of rising are without any fair form of competition. Nothing compares with a nice bit of cheek caressing first thing, before my coffee and target practise in the owlery (they don’t expect a thing).

My coffee is ground by knuckle by the way. I beat the shit out of what I eat. I also only eat the male of the species; even the coffee bean, as a matter of sheer masculinity.

And the women love that.

Probably.

All I know is that owing to a combination of my Orwellian hair and muscular piano-like build; I get complimented.

And I love compliments.

That’s why I’ve just paid myself plenty.

I am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you. What a compliment.

Sam


I am the Greatest Human to Ever Live (Part 5. I Can’t Wait to be Haunted)

At some point, you should know by now, it’s going to be written down that I am the greatest human to ever live. Written by someone other than me.

Until then…I am the greatest human to ever live.

And here’s how.

Ghosts avoid me.

So does Bigfoot.

Ohhhhhhhh Bigfoot has some diabolical excuses to his name.

“I’m washing my foreskin hair tonight”.

I let him off for that one since he’s willing to bring up his foreskin hair over the telephone. What a creature. He can’t speak but he lets me know by just colliding his foreskin upon the receiver.

Sometimes I pity telephones.

Not that I let them distract me from filling you up and in with why ghosts tend to go the long way around when they see me approaching.

I feel ghosts avoid me owing to my ‘rip-the-sheet-off’ mentality that leads me to sing (fucking SING) Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl whilst dancing in Piccadilly Circus on any day but Christmas.

I don’t deal in spooky.

I ejaculate on spooky purely for the reason of attempting to make apparent I am in a whole other frame of mind compared to what this ghost is hoping for.

Hence the semen.

Whilst this might not suit the law amidst the season of Halloween, at least the real ghosts can read about me in the papers.

Oh I wish I could pick up that telephone one stormy evening in late November to hear some croaky drawl utter: “I’m in the attic Sam”.

Because I want that ghost to know.

That I would then devote my body to two distinct attitudes.

My left hand side would box.

Jab with the fist, sweep with the foot and poke with my hip. Possibly also nutting with my left temple.

My right side would go about as furious a masturbation session as you’ve ever taken note of on the right hand side of a haunted man.

My reason for this two-tone combative-masturbatory stance?

Well…would you want to haunt me?

Whatcha gonna do? Clink your chains together? Softly tap the floorboards?

Be a long since abandoned and forgotten child’s clown-dolly?

Wail?

You know that turns my right hand side all horny and gets my left hand side in a mood to eradicate most-fistily (fistily. Adjective; much about the fist. Typically negative. Occasionally not) a ghost.

And I feel that closes the case.

What the fuck would you do in the face of my tactic?

Yes. I have tactics. Like a disciplined person from yore (wherever the fuck that is).

Distraction and confusion are nigh-on my sole arsenal, in the fury of silent cloak and dagger business.

Aside from my actual cloak and dagger, of course, as they quite simply ‘help’ when encountering an opponent needing to be pierced whilst also requiring a puddle to be obscured for them so as to gallantly defend their footwear and honour.

And I do that sort of thing for my enemies.

Why?

Because it distracts and confuses them.

To the point of them passing away into the hastily knife-dug grave to soon be swiftly cloaked-over and, then, returning from said hastily knife-dug grave to don my white cloak and go about haunting me with particular insistent focus upon my overly-literally imagery.

And then I ejaculate on them. Owing to my tactics.

That gets them sighing.

Good. I want them to sigh, I’ve always found it’s a good indicator of progress.

I simply refuse to acknowledge their apparition-like form and rather more insist they are just being rather witty with their parlour tricks.

“Passing through a solid wall eh? How terribly charming, I do wish cousin Bertie were here; I feel quite honestly you’d get on. Hmm. Yes.”

Middle-Upper Class vernacular infuriates ghosts.

Upon encountering ghosts I give it a really rather whopping “Crikey Carruthers!” and then leave it to my left and right hand sides to deal with the consequences.

I can’t wait to be haunted next.

I might even tempt it forward seeing as how I know the location of a native English gravesite. And I need somewhere to park my unpleasantness every now and then.

So I have a kilo of unwanted horse hair and no place to dump it other than that place where I dump things. How about there?

Can’t take it back to the horse; keeps running away.

Now I know I prefer to be galloped to, rather than galloped from.

Being galloped from has too many connotations of loneliness for the greatest human to ever live to oblige existence to. That’s why I find myself in so many stampedes.

Three stampedes at the time of writing. By the time of your reading this? Hopefully more.

I like a little hoof-mark on me. It’s my badge of both having been stampeded and then being proud as hell about it.

That should get the late-English natives coming for me.

That’s another flaw of ghost-hood; they have no strut.

Ghosts can’t dance.

And you needn’t even bet on it (just have some of my money), that I am the one to remind them of that.

Ever feel a little intimidated by the howling wind coming down the chimney and the weighty patter of rain upon the window pane?

Then fucking waltz, darling, waltz!

Now I’m not saying you should just get dancing, since I feel I’m truly the only one who should be doing that. Observe my physical expression sometime and you’ll realise you’re just not qualified.

However, I am saying you should certainly out-do that phantom when it comes to the art of tap.

I’ve always found that to be the trick to Irish Dancing. You cannot conceive, nor can I, those who are willingly Irish Dancing with aplomb aplenty and those who are righteously taking the piss out of it by flailing their legs all hither and thither in a manner most Irish-Dance-like.

So now you can do it to.

Don’t pretend you’re Irish Dancing, just Irish Dance.

Be an Irish Dancer; because I told you to.

And because you can do it if you just start. Soon all, ghost and the yet-to-be-late will assume you always were one.

Plus it keeps ghosts away.

Not that I’d really know; ghosts avoid me.

So does Bigfoot.

Do you ever get the sensation the author may have alluded to masturbation a tad too often throughout a piece, to the point that you consider him in an overwhelming and literal sense as a wanker?

I didn’t think so.

I don’t break bread with the undead owing to mainly to how swell this sentence sounds.

Aside from that, I am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Sam


The Greatest Human to Ever Live (Part 4. Make it a Brunch With Moi, Sister)

The Greatest Human to Ever Live
(Part 4. Make it a Brunch With Moi, Sister)

I am the greatest human to ever live.

Especially when the competition has such an admirable ‘keep-at-it’ attitude towards eliminating one another.

I can’t deny the embarrassment I suffer in acknowledgement that it’s all because they’re trying to impress me.

And it does.

Take a look at the budget they use on warfare.

Ahh fuck it.

Fuck this warfare wile-away-the-moment topic whilst instead I could take you firmly by the ears (if you were in the room with me. And had ears. I apologise if you don’t. Wait…no I don’t. Why the fuck should I apologise for your lack of ears?) and blow the contents of the following subject down your ear canal.

Brunch with me is transcendent.

Soon it’ll be a reward for curing only the most high-profile of diseases. The lady who cures missing limbs by replacing it with something more powerful; like a kangaroo.

(“Well, I sure do miss my foot, got a kangaroo on the end of my leg there now. It’s company but kind of fucks up my driving something awful and bouncy.”)

That lady…she can brunch with me.

Brunch with me with will turn any commie. I’ll have them being intimate with a fist full of dollars by the end of it.

Had I brunched in the Cold War there would have been moments with men in dark rooms sitting around cold metal tables with a sloped-shouldered American offering a whole mouthful of: “You know we’ve got brunch with Sam. So get the fuck out of Korea.”

And I’m fine for that to happen; I don’t like Korean communists anyway; they’re ridiculous and have too many statues.

Don’t forget that life imitates art.

Do you want to be marble?

Of course you do, marble like me baby, but I’ll bet a couple of my own feet that that you aren’t looking to suddenly become granite in any way but metaphorical, are you?

No, because you hate Korean communists too, plus they have a silly march.

Plus your silly march is sillier and you deserve some recognition for that but until North Korea falls you’re going to have to restrict your silly march to your own private corridor.

You see, when you’re having brunch with me you feel the gratitude of fortune to have gone to have endured such a classical education that forbade your jaw from dropping, which is prone to happening when you see what I’m about to do with the oatmeal on my foot.

I’m cheeky with the oatmeal, but I use the syrup as though I was bred for it.

You can smell the discipline I emit; albeit tinged by the syrup jug’s wafts.

No good thing is tinged; I expect it’s the connotations of sounding like minge. And that’s a vagina.

And vaginas (at their worst) are the pits; literally.

And penises (at their best) are the tits; metaphorically.

And tits are neither; technically.

All go well when impacting on the brunch counter. All body parts are welcome here; except kangaroos (“fucking up my brunch-bar as though they don’t even know what it’s for! That’s not how you hop on a breakfast bar!”)

If you haven’t been able to deduce to this point by now, I am dunking my body parts in the brunch and, in many ways (many happy, noble ways), am dunking brunch in my body parts.

And here’s why.

Breakfast is stifling – I dislike necessity, particularly regarding phrases such as “well-balanced” and “cornerstone”. Those terms should leave me alone otherwise I might retaliate; somehow. I prefer to be dominant regarding my tummy.

Lunch is redundant; you should be busier.

I pride myself on being too hectic for a sandwich.

Too noteworthy for salad.

Too inevitably going up and down in history as a sweetheart with a tendency to be photographed in chrome for liver.

Liver.

That word should mean more than just…liver.

It should be a base note of humanity; “all that remained was…liver”.

And dinner is disappointing.

If you didn’t find it on the end of that stick you jabbed and bobbed and weaved and threw with; you missed the point entirely (unlike the unfortunate creature impaled. Luckily it was ugly so you gave no fucks) and now we can’t be friends. You disassociated acquaintance you.

At this point I’ve moved on to the meatier part of the meal because I’m too liberal for your typical 09:00-11:30 eating habits.

My eating habits are as though someone attached (inhumanely; because this is just a metaphor and I just feel it exclaims the point better) the engine of a formula 1 racing car to a headless cockerel.

Messy and pointless; but things are happening pleasingly fast, albeit without much progress.

I move on to the meat because I grew bored with oatmeal on my foot, though you should know by now I’m not done with it yet.

Because I’m an oatmeal kicker and I’ll be back for more.

All this while you’re sitting in your seat, much as a seat-sitter would. Not that I sit on seats. You see, seats are what I raise my oatmeal-lathered foot onto so I can rest my arms on my knee and look deep into your arrested and near-wet eyes and explain something to you.

Explaining something like why I’ve got to do what I’m about to do with the waffles.

And from that point forward you are (not hit with, since there’s nothing violent here; only inspiration physical and sweaty – meaning therefore you are…) fucked with the realisation that my current waffle-motif adorning the bosoms and hairdos of all other customers in the three-table radius is for you.

Still messy and pleasingly fast, but no longer pointless and now we’re getting somewhere.

I’m just making you realise how brunch with me can be; just enjoy the unforgettable nature of whatever the fuck is happening right now (you have a pepper in your hair by the way…).

I lean forward to caress it out and the, pardon me, you are overwhelmed by my very own ridiculous masculinity.

You probably took note of my plumage.

My chest hair is like a field of muscular black wheat in a summer’s heat. Far away.

That’s why I tend to be compared to a swan more than any other animal (e.g. a human).

There are three main reasons for this.

  1. Plumage. Of the two, it’s been said I’m more regal on the externally.
  2. I can break a man’s arm just by swimming. Proximity irrelevant.
  3. In many ways now…I am the Queen’s.

My word, I am a marvel at catching women as they swoon.

I’m very last moment too, as I always manage to be granted an audible gasp by those slow and still sitting men (Ha!) surrounding us who have plucked up the courage to watch you descend and wish you all the best as you do so.

My technique is that as you swoon, I swoop. Like the cool coconutty power of a Hawaiian wave, only with the muscular arms of a ballet dancer.

I exercise only by lifting women and kicking doors down. That…and feeding the people between 09:00-11:00. Within a three-table radius.

Brunch with me is bliss to be endured.

Because I am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Sam


I am the Greatest Human to Ever Live. Part 3. You Should Have Kept Your Smile.

You should have kept your smile.

Because smiling works.

Or else have yourself a prized grimace that denotes to all around you that you’ve completed harder word-searches than them, and they don’t stand a chance.

How you conduct your facial features as you mingle amongst the rest of the species can be the determiner of your destiny.

Being the greatest human to ever live, I smile.

Why shouldn’t I?

My smile is arresting and my grin is criminal.

My laugh is disarming. I buckle out a “ha-ha” as though it were a mix of Muttley’s wheeze and a Welsh choral singer’s bellow.

And it’s also very at you.

You’ being everyone in the vicinity.

People hear my laugh and they whip around as though there’s an avalanche of tumbling Santa Clauses’ ho-ho-ing its way towards them, only to see me enjoying a joke I just told.

However, laughing is also a highly pleasurable way of winning an argument.

It’s a matter of insistence.

Such as the time you might invade a UKIP event and ha-ha your way through the diatribe of people desperate to prove they’re not racist. If you were a racist; which party would you vote for?

I’m not a racist, but if I were; I’d vote UKIP.

But there’s one thing more that I find intolerable of UKIP, and naturally it would be me to see this for what it is.

 Nigel Farage has stolen the colour purple from us.

Once, purple was a rarity in the urban world. Whereas in some aspects of nature there would be a slash of purple here and there, in the cities there was almost none, aside from the investments made by the wealthy who could afford dye.

Investing in purple.

I’d like to invest in purple, but it seems hard to do that without funding UKIP and I’m just not racist enough for that (although I am slightly racist….I hate Eskimos. Fuck ‘em. What did they ever do for me?).

If my smile, such as what crops up when I’m sure Eskimos aren’t nearby, had a colour then I’d presume it to be purple, but it’s not. It’s a tender yet rugged shade of ‘Handsome’.

The colour ‘Handsome’ is like chocolate, only more muscular. With totally manly nipples. Slightly abnormal, but still more manly than your father and that’s why you’re with me babe. Superior nipples and I’m handsome with a slight anti-Eskimo twist.

Plus I’m the greatest human to ever live.

My smile is like a flower that can bear-hug you so hard that you enjoy the cuddle it becomes.

My smile can, and I’m not sure exactly how (it’s natural science – I don’t need to know. Birds don’t know how they soar and a tumble weed doesn’t know how it tumbles. Just let it be), but my smile can make you fuck off. Just a little of a turn to the left, I think, tilting upwards slightly, let loose a smile and boom; you’ve fucked off.

I would undoubtedly announce on, perhaps, some sort of blogging website that the lower half of my head is the preferential half for when you fancy a conversation.

Whilst my brow is flexible and communicative; it’s easier to have a chat with the lower half of my head.

And other things besides…

I really enjoy cunnilingus. Not enjoying the act perpetrated unto myself as I really don’t have enough vaginas for that (not even one) but I love dolling it out beneath the skirt of the other half of the species.

Why? Because I like being good at something that other guys aren’t.

Like laughing.

Laughing and cunnilingus go hand in hand in terms of a mutual act. Lip to lip.

The clitoris is substantially tingled by the vibrations of a giggling.

Perhaps not side-splitting, but certainly split-siding.

That’s a vaginal joke, that’s why you get it.

And that was an insult-joke and I’m sorry about that.

And that wasn’t a joke. There’s nothing wrong with vaginas and there’s nothing wrong with me being sorry about that.

Damn, I’m a fine writer.

So I’ve got some writing chops, the things I can do with a pen and a keyboard would tickle you beyond the hacky constraints of a weak-wristed journeyman with a quill. And inky fingers.

You can’t have that done to you by a writer with inky fingers. Everyone’d know you’d been tickled.

I can make you tingle with a space bar and you don’t even want to be enlightened as to my history with other people and the insert key.

We got along.

I recall they enjoyed what I had; especially my musk.

Yes. I’ve got a musk.

You should see it. Because you can. It’s purple.

You can see it emanating from me as the sun goes down – like the Northern Lights; only tougher. Tougher in the same way that you can see a bull’s balls. Not an advantage overly; unless you wilt at that sort of thing. But wilting is something I hope for my enemies, particularly in public.

So – to the point – I smell like an overly-purple Northern Lights with testicles on the outside.

My laugh, however, that’s not a thing to be given a name. Just let it be.

My laugh isn’t to be controlled as it is a wild thing let loose only by me, baby. The potency of my laugh can make you swoon in the same manner that my musk’s balls can make you wilt.

That’s how I know you’re enjoying it.

But I’ve got to stay in check with my physical appearance, even I can’t rely solely on musk, smiles, laughter and an incredible lower-face.

So I had a wet shave in a Turkish barbers.

I sat in the chair and awaited the compliments about how their nuclear-age razor equipment wasn’t up to the job of slicing my bristles. My mane. My organic chin-duvet.

I waited, and then they wrapped a towel doused in boiling water over my entire head with just enough gap to allow my nose to poke out.

“Damn” I thought, “I’ve got a cold nose”.

I like things a’boiling.

Once shaved I discovered I had a dimple in my chin. “Tremendous” thought I, “Now everyone will be able to know I’m an All-American Good Guy type. From Kent. England.

Now I can go into space, chin-dimple first.

You guy’s realise we’re in space?

Currently.

I feel a need to acquire some sort of ticket. I’m set though, I own an acre of the moon. And I am going to plough it, along with my space alien girlfriend.

My Earthly semen cures her space-libido. Always momentarily.

And I only ejaculate when directed by my government.

I think there’s only one more thing I want you to know…

I only masturbate when I have to.

Maybe I’m straying into topics meant for next time on Alternative Literary Output for the Soul.

So I’ll leave it at this; throughout all the above, amidst the true and the exaggerated (somewhat)…I smiled.

The endorphins were released and I was happy.

And that was because I kept my smile, and I recommend you unleash yours.

Unto others and for yourself; smile.

And I should know.

Because…

I am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Sam