Some People Don’t Have It – Belly Dancing Dignity and EU Membership

Posted: April 9, 2019 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Some people don’t have it, others are ravaged by it, and if you can’t tell already – I am referring to the ability to wiggle ones eyebrows independently.

I don’t mean they can wriggle their eyebrows free from express command by higher authorities, more so that they can make the right eyebrow wriggle, as well as it’s sister.

Yes, I do believe that each eyebrow has a gender. My right is a dude, my left is his female fellow.

They are both entirely independent from each other, with separate social circles and professional squares.

Some people can’t do this. But they can dilate their nostrils.

I cannot dilate my nostrils, despite a vast amount of time doing…something (let’s call it ‘effort’) at the bathroom mirror (poor thing).

Both my wife and my boss can do this.

I however, can belly dance; whereas they can’t even watch.

I remember realising I could make my belly roll at a dinner party of my parents. The conversation was flowing, which was a shame as it was so dull, and I found myself as a last resort (forgive me, only being a young child, I was not mature enough to be so bored).

So, I just wondered if I could command my stomach to flip-flop in a manner that might cause halt to the conversation that was flowing like the dribble that such drivel rhymes with, and then I did it.

Soon I was on the table, feet amongst potatoes (as a young boy should – though normally not mashed), and tummy in the air, like a patriot of physiology and very keen to continue.

And things really haven’t changed since.

The belly dance is a tremendous tool as it is both as conversation stooped and starter – this being why I call it ‘corking’.

Some fellow of mine might be conversing at me, very face-first, about Brexit. I then say “Hey pal, look at midriff” and he’ll respond with: “Wowee Sam, good for you! It’s like Brexit, right? And another thing…”

I must admit my belly dance has been ineffective against Brexit and its constant production of dull argument, though I persist.

I belly dance in the face of democracy.

The problem with democracy is that it enables a majority of people to make a really bad decision.

That follows with a response to my theory, with the counter: “Are you saying that the majority of people are stupid?”

Of course they are, have you met people? Have you met the modern person? The average man in the street…doesn’t. Choose your topic of purposeful action, any at all, because the answer is ‘no they don’t’.

And we’re sinking into a quagmire of circumstance in which the talent of the nation is buggering off, and those that got us into this mess are expecting those whom voted Remain to get us back out of it.

Nevertheless, talent like this guy and his stomach aren’t going anywhere.

Particularly when I want to take a swipe at Remoaners too.

Uninformed of a separate selection of facts, those that berate the majority of the nation, such as I just did, could really do with a bit more experience outside of their preference.

Snobbiness is the worst failing of the British people, and the Remain campaign demonstrated that from the beginning. That is why it failed and that is why it is inherently unlikeable.

One thing that is guaranteed about the Brexiteers is that it has that feeling of blind romantic adventure. “Let’s do this and see what happens! We can make the best of it! Freedom!”

Whilst these sentiments may be based in untruths, the attraction remains – more so than the UK has within Europe.

European membership should have been celebrated whilst we had it. We all benefited, and could have improved our standing too, and now we are without, divided, and horrified by the fact that both sides were right and wrong in an ugly blend of uniformed ignorance and inexperienced ignorance.

Nationalism can be a wonderful thing if we could all have just gotten along.

Your loss. I’m a patriot to the side, proud of the best bits and eager to improve the rest, whilst unashamedly keen to make the most out of things for my neighbour and me.

Britain will be easy pickings for a belly dancer like me, beginning with the number one industry in the UK.

Drizzle.

Not just a rainy mist apparently named by Snoop Dog, but a source of national unity akin to red phone booths, bizarre humour, bad teeth, and a reaction of chat-ceasing awe in the face of my belly dancing.

The drizzle industry is going to make a killing this year, and I want a piece of that soggy pie.

Patriots will have it shipped in, using it to obscure their neighbours, keep the laundry soggy like a Briton, and mystify the Mrs in association with a stiff upper lip and stiffer stiffy.
And it is during this kind of conversation you and I are having (thanks for contributing) in which I as a youngster first found cause and ability to belly dance.

I’m sure, whilst taking part in this conversation today, you’ve already found yourself trying it too.

Good job, see you on the drizzly other side.

Sam

Irrelevant Reverence – St Roch And His Dog

Posted: March 19, 2019 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

In times past, my writing has been referred to as “irreverent” and this infuriates me.

My writing is not irreverent.

It is IRRELEVANT.

And that matters.

As follows are some other statements of things that matter.

Testosterone is qualifying.

Flying liquid is frighteningly free.

And capitalism is sexier.

Decreasingly important to people however, is faith (bear with me; even if you’re not a bear).

I’ve been toying with the idea of Catholicism. Not that I wish to be a part of the family of utter horrors for much of Europe’s history, but rather more because I do enjoy the pageantry.

Nice outfits.

Hats that have forever out-done their protestant competition (a protestant hat might be more suitable for a job interview though).

‘Carnal sin’ (the good kind) and ‘Cardinal purple’ both outstrip (literally) the Protestants’ ‘Stop smiling!’.

There is something very assured and cool in the gaze of a senior catholic priest that suggests: “You know all that fucked up shit outside the cathedral door? That was us.”

My dog and I walk one another when either of us is in the mood and is prepared to do what they’re bloody-well-told by the other.

We walk through orchard and bramble, flushing out the rabbits and restraining one another from giving chase because that would just count as snacking before our evening meal.

It was on one of these dashes that I saw a glare of silver in the mud, and stooped to examine.

The shimmer was a saint, Saint Roch, winking at me with his knee exposed; as sultry as you like.

“Pray for us, Saint Roch, Italy”, said the small pendant, likely inadvertently dropped by one of the European pickers in the orchard.

A man flashing me with his knee, whilst his own dog watched on irresponsibly, had been found in the orchard and I could not leave it there, nor at that.

So I pocketed St Roch, and took him home for a bath.

A little further research disclosed much about the canonised fellow, chiefly that he apparently posed for many a painting with his trademark sultry pose of leaning on his staff, hoisting his lower robing to reveal the revelation of a rather smashing knee.

And a dog.

Still further research unveiled that St Roch is a patron saint of many other reasons I wish to become Catholic.

Knee wounds.

Dogs.

The falsely accused.

Bachelors (as he lifts his robe to share his knee with me, I always imagine him saying “Hmm. A bachelor hmm?” I wish I didn’t).

Istanbul.

Surgeons.

And many more.

The dog as it turned out, favoured St Roch during his plague days by bringing him bread (not the Jesus-body kind), therein earning him the title “Good boy”.

At some point there was a baker, burgled by a dog soon to be immortalised as the saviour of a saint, but that just doesn’t put money in the till, particularly during paltry plague times.

According to the Golden Legend, a compendium of these stories, this same dog licked St Roch’s unfortunate knee wounds, undoubtedly adding just that little bit of extra flavour to the pilfered loaf.

His popularity and legend caused Roch a sainthood, a brotherhood, a mass following, and before all of these, his death by starvation in a jail cell. I presume dogs were not permitted visits. Nor were loaves.

And I found him in the mud of my local orchard.

I don’t know how regularly he is idolised these days, particularly considering the lack of truly species-ending plague that we used to handle so poorly, in addition to the fact that those with knee problems are unlikely to bend onto them to begin praying.

Perhaps St Roch is making the underdog (sans bread) come back – ala St Rocky of Philadelphia?

I’m not a Godly person, but perhaps it’ll help to worship something I feel sorry for, such as St Roch and his dog. I could end each dedicated prayer with “Awwwwmen”, but then again my knees are dandy and I’m not a bachelor, though I do pity diseased cattle.

I just feel I need some religion in my life.

Not spirituality though, because that amounts to an unseemly mix of both being haunted and bullshit, and I’ve no time in my day for either.

I need religion, a quiet place to be, a solemn thought to think, a good thing to remember, and preferably a view.

I need a saint, someone in the ‘something’ category of people that I can send good wishes to. Although, unlike the archetypal prayer maker, I don’t really want for anything, nor doing I fear eternal damnation as I’m already a Crystal Palace fan. Therefore, it would be nice to send a prayer to someone, such as St Roch, just to check in on them and see how they’re doing for a change.

Do they need anything? What have they been up to recently? Did they catch the match (bloody Palace)?

All before signing-off with the aforementioned “Awwwwmen” and then returning back to Earth with a sense of civic saintly duty done, and hopefully with less diseased cattle (if you ever find yourself with cattle, now you’ve got something to hope they’re not).

And that’s why I’ve really brought you here today; pity.

Have a little pity and give an irrelevant writer with an irrelevant saint a break and give us both a Like and a Follow. Just think of that poor little dog, unable to woof properly owing to being corked with bread, just wanting you to Like and Follow the Lateral Column.

Awwwmen.

Sam

Sometimes All You Need Is Something To Say

Posted: March 12, 2019 | Author: | Filed under: writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sometimes all you need is something to say

And whilst I may be without a thing to say, I’ve got plenty to write about.

I just need to remember.

I’d love to escape from prison; I just need a crime to be sent down for long enough for, preferably in the 1930s.

Naturally I don’t want to hurt anyone, nor take things that don’t belong to me, as I really am quite pleasant upon first impressions (just don’t meet me twice).

Maybe sedition?

Or parking tickets?

Its time like this I wish I was in the USA, able to commit some devastatingly trivial infraction that would escalate to a prison sentence upon crossing state lines.

Smuggling.

I would love to be imprisoned for smuggling, or piracy, so long as I could ensure a positive working environment with equal opportunities for the all (not just the physically impaired – who I presume are the majority on a pirate boat. I’ll be calling it a ‘boat’ rather than a ‘ship’ by the way, as I know this will irk some and I want to give a fair chance to those that don’t get to meet me twice).

I’m a Man of Kent, owing to having been born East of the Medway river in Kent, thus giving me a fair grounding in the history of my county. And it turns out Kent is a county of hop-pickers and smugglers, both historically enjoying one another just fine.

I could pick a hop, and I could pick it well, but I doubt I’d get to enjoy the thrill of being chased along the estuary, whilst the orchards are a place for high-speed fuck-alls. Orchards a are place where even hurrying takes most of the afternoon.

So smuggling it is.

No smuggling of people though, as smuggling people is immoral and dangerous, as well as a crowded market at the moment – the number of Brits looking to make a get-away buoyant on a sturdy enough inheritance of the family turd to float their way through the sewers and away to the continent; is simply silly, as well as intricately silly too.

I’ll have to smuggle something noble, like medical supplies, or knights.

Which knight of the realm would be best to smuggle to the continent?

Sir John Major deserves something nice to happen to him, providing the canoe is broad enough.

Sir Michael Caine and Sir Lenny Henry could do with a voyage to the mainland, though I have to admit I’m struggling to name knights at this point and wouldn’t want to tell these chaps they were only invited because I couldn’t think of more noble folk.

They’d still have to pay-up, of course, I’m not providing free rides here; I am a smuggler after all. But what fee for a canoe ride to Europe?

Some sort of pardon for doing it in the first place seems a worthy price for such a crime. A nice written pardon, quilled onto parchment (not one of those tacky plastic ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ cards), that absolves me of whatever you’re talking to me about. The sort of parchment you can really waggle in a coastguard’s face. I appreciate already that there is peril in this becoming soggy in my working environment, but that makes it all the more of a pleasure to waggle.

I think Sir Major and Sir Henry would keep my pardon safe, not sure about Sir Caine though, and I can imagine him getting all upset about having let me down and worried I’ll ditch him mid-Channel.

To be honest, all three of those knights seem particularly ‘overboardable’, not that to criticise them, I just picture them tipping backwards and hearing the splash – they’d all make a good one, and would be a good way to loose passenger weight for the get-away.

Each of those knights is a notable amount of weight to lose. To be able to say: “I’ve lost almost Sir John Major in weight since January” is good for your health (presuming you were massive to begin with) and good for your smuggling career (presuming you’ve been undergoing a getaway since January).

I could ditch them all, irrelevant as to their clutching of my pardon parchment, particularly considering that my main aim was to be imprisoned in the first place.

Presuming imprisonment, I’ll just need it to the 1930s so I can go about this properly in a grown up fashion.

So, naturally we’re talking about time travel (I say “naturally” as though it’s still fashionable. Isn’t it? Could one travel through time to a time when time travel was still fashionable? If so, why aren’t we all there? Could it be that time travel is simply dorky? I think…yes. Napoleon, Jimi Hendrix, and Joan of Arc in the year 3000 are all dorks.)

And frankly I’d prefer not to, so will save the 1930s prison breakout for another time.

To end, upon checking, I do have something to write about, and you’re just lucky you weren’t reading this, because I went with what I had – you had better options. ‘Moby Dick’ for one.

I’ve written about smuggling knights into Europe in reward for a pardon for that very crime, in the hope of being imprisoned anyway in the 1930s, and all the while you were distinctly not reading Moby Dick and elected to read my words instead.

Pride and Prejudice too – something else you could have read instead of this.

Sir Billy Connolly; there’s another knight.

Nice one.

Sam

Crushing Writer’s Block with Bad Writing

Posted: November 25, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Today I think I’ll crush the writer’s block with an irrepressibly positive mood.

I’m in an irrepressibly positive mood.

I’m in an irrepressibly positive mood, twice.

As infinitely infantile as it may be, I refuse to deny my first sentence as true.

I’m still writing after all…

Perhaps if I were to let loose another easy-to-choke-on opinion, I’d be forced to continue writing as I’m too stubborn to be incorrect.

And in the spirit of such irrefutable (just try me) logic (an opinion can’t be wrong, therefore in my opinion; my opinion is logic), I am making it known that adding three or more parentheses (like this) to a sentence (also like this) constitutes good writing.

This is not good writing.

This (with reference to the prior sentence), in my (being me) opinion (with reference to a previous prior sentence), is.

Speaks for itself really, or rather I wish it did because that’d be a great deal easier than writing about writer’s block and overcoming with some seriously dangerous writing.

Can you imagine if someone actually read this?

It’d be lethal for their Sunday afternoon, encouraging debauched sentence structure and with zero contribution the rational of overcoming writer’s block.

However, say someone were to read this and be so inspired by how simply frightful and (even more simply) shite this writing is, that they felt obliged to do the planet a favour and improve the global literary quality that’ve I’ve sought to reduce in these few (heavily parenthesised) sentences.

Maybe a young writer of good breeding and healthy stock will see what I’ve gone and done (apologies for that by the way), take pity on and give mercy to us all in the form of a really cracking diary entry, or perhaps the great-Earth novel, the text we’d use to really dazzle the inter-galactic literary critics.

And then everyone would think I’m great; really rather applicable in helping with the writer’s block and contributing to the planet’s standing (revolving?) in the intergalactic literary circles (definitely revolving).

And then maybe I’d get a like on my blog.

(Hint, hinty, hint hint).

Sam

The Crabs of St James’

Posted: November 22, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty., Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Have you ever been in St James’ Park tube station?

Does it give you the impression that it should have a crab problem?

I’ve asked; it doesn’t, but I can’t help but step off the train when passing through to wonder if I can hear the sea waves echoing down the tunnel, or the crunch of sand sifting between my smart work shoes.

I think Margate affected me.

Something about St James’s Park underground causes me to reminisce of the seaside.

Perhaps it’s the wall tiling, perhaps it’s the colours; it’s probably me.

And it probably is me because I would love so very much if you were to offer me the seaside as opposed to the capital.

London is not adorable, nor whimsical.

The most whimsical it gets is a degree of pomposity that endears it to the Japanese.

London at its most charming is the fact that the river leads elsewhere.

Unless of course we want to drool a little on the dreams of empire, with colossal great white buildings, lathered with muscular nudity and lions, British flags and stout-hearted pigeon poo.

During the empire, British men had muscular feet don’t you know, whilst our women were pleasantly plump as might be bespoke of some great artist of the era, conveying nobility, fertility, and justice via a patriotic curve of the hip.

Good form.

Hardly the seaside though, is it?

A bucket and spade no use in these gold-paved streets.

Still, I picture little crabs earnestly busying themselves sideways, creasing me to a smile as I hear in my head the sound of shelled scuttling on gold.

I wasn’t meant to get off at St James’ Park tube station.

Nor did I mean for a moment to step off the train and out of London.

But there you go, and there I went.

Like a grotto.

Hmm. 

Back to the crossword.

Writing With Impetus, Before It’s Too Late

Posted: October 22, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty., Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Well who’d have thought, I’m actually writing.

Sorry for the delay and even greater apologies for the delay ending and writing resuming.

I know I don’t write articles for everyone’s tastes – that’s why (as well as a distinct lack of writing talent), they’re not overly-well received.

For example, I was walking down the street the other day (it doesn’t matter which street or which day because this is fiction) and I noticed I wasn’t a millionaire.

How embarrassing.

And to think; I was really in the mood for a Rolex…

Still, no pounds equals one impetus. Lack of millions of pounds gives one glorious idea, to become a millionaire.

Not even a millionaire – that comes across as ideal hostage material – but instead ‘comfortable’. Such as having a house and no concerns about it.

I would like a house, all mine, my walls and my windows, preferably my own ceiling, I don’t give a fuck who the potted plants belong to, so long as I get my necessary verticals and horizontals.

And I’ve a good job, with a good wife enjoying a good pregnancy, a good future filled with good prospects, and a good urge to write, as well as a good thesaurus filled with good synonyms and I can apply anytime I like (but I’m comfortable now and the book is just out of bother’s reach).

So, aside from the typical life of typical pleasantries, I might just indulge in this writing habit I’ve tried my best to give-up and start actually writing.

So, now, I’m actually writing.

I tried writing as a practise for this yesterday.

I thought I’d try writing about my hair.

It went so well I burnt the first draft, not realising I only had one good (thesaurus still out of reach) draft in me and I’d put too much effort into burning my laptop to sit down with remaining stoker (pen) and surviving kindling (note-pad) to let loose another masterpiece in one evening.

Thus we’re here, writing about writing and progressing just as I’d hoped.

I’d like to write for my supper, though I think writing for my breakfast would be greater inspiration.

Sure, at supper time one has a day’s worth of worth to pen down with a fire-stoker, but in the morning you’ve got a wonderfully blank piece of paper to ruin perfectly with just the kind of prose that can set a day right. This is a metaphor.

What a metaphor!

However, I’ve missed breakfast and have moved onto a mid-evening port, in the glow of a newly borrowed laptop and the warmth of a reason to write.

Millionairehood/millionairedom/millionairity.

Or rather being a home-owner/house-holder/property-possessor/abode-abider.

Since I’ve moved onto alliteration, I might burn this laptop too, but I don’t think my pen could last to stoke another fire.

Still, this is breakfast writing, and perhaps since this is now a great (wife passed me thesaurus) post-port time in the evening, I can write about that which has happened across the planet as of late.

I was reading the other morning that we’re all fucked.

Whilst I enjoyed Al Gore’s somewhat more bar-chart method of translating the complex data, I do prefer an image of inferno and the prose that practically smell with the sheer excitement of the author.

Sensationalist writing is like fascism. It gets things done when they’re ready to be done.

If I hadn’t been in the mood to like-totally freak out, then it wouldn’t have been successfully sensationalism. If 1930’s Germany hadn’t been in the mood for a snappier uniform and literally snappier mode of marching, they wouldn’t have done what 1930’s Germany did (lose).

With another reference to writing about writing, we have now arrived at the point at which the author has drawn parallels to the Nazis, with very little reason to. And whilst that’s fine in these-and-thus days, if you’d have tried that in 1930’s Germany, you’d have been writing as a contemporary.

I’ve realised I’m feeling silly, and here we thus-hence-and-therefore are (this thesaurus might now be deemed too-near. That’s writing, I’m “deeming” things).

Besides, upon the news of the planet being universally fucked, I’m more inclined to take things a tad more jovially.

For this reason, I’m mixing tales of hair, being a millionaire, Nazis, and Al Gore.

BBC News has a ‘Top Ten Most Read’ section, and the number one point for a recent single day was the end of the world being very much so ‘nigh’. The following day, perhaps even the afternoon of the day prior, the nation’s focus was on Taylor Swift at long last revealing how she feels about US politics.

I don’t want to say that how Taylor Swift feels about politics in the US is not important. But the lack of verbalised opinion in regard to the viewpoint of “FUCK how Taylor Swift feels about politics in the US” gives rise to the righteousness of the previous day’s number one story.

We’re fucked, and the following day we were slightly more fucked, and slightly more deserving.

With a baby on the way, I’ve impetus to de-fuck the world, but Taylor Swift doesn’t listen to me and she’s the one with millions of many things.

I’ve very few things totalling in the millions.

I’ve millions of atoms of course, but I tend not to count them (it’d take ages).

I do have a son on the way though. And whilst he’s not a million things either, he is one thing that could be more than a million things and it up to people like me (the fellow that caused him into being about, along with his culpable mother) to take action.

Unfortunately for my son, the particular action I’ll be taking is writing about my hair.

Who knows? It might pay for a house for him to grow up into a fucked-up world.

I’ll keep typing, tomorrow.

It’s good to be back

All the best,

Sam

Smoking is Cool. And That’s That.

Posted: June 24, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m not the kind of guy that regularly quotes Chandler Bing (‘Could I be anymore of a Friend’s nerd?’) but the character was rather on-the-nose with the statement:
“The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.”

He wasn’t wrong, and you know that too.

Smoking is cool.

This is undeniable.

One can gauge this from the perpetually fag-in-hand look-at-me nonchalance that the greatest heroes of our age have espoused because…they’re cool.

Hemingway.

Hunter S.

Jimmy Dean

John Wayne (plus denim jeans).

These outstanding instances of masculinity/cool are the benchmark for our performance as a species. If we’re never going to be as cool as these guys were when they were smoking; shall we bother continuing?

Thus, we keep smoking.

Still, there are reasons as to why smoking is so darn cool, and I’ve just taken my dog for a walk and mulled it over aloud to him.

He agreed with me completely; and who are you to deny my dog?

So, to begin, it is chemical – smoking is a drug.

There is a BBC documentary in which the presenter investigates the pleasures of smoking.

He states he in his forties, never once having smoked and is now about to partake; sat in chair with multiple leads connecting him, shirt-off and via those sucky things, to computers that beep as though they’re pretending they know what they’re doing.

He ignites and is immediately coughing and spluttering (the only two things that are ever mentioned whenever smoking is initiated by the uninitiated) as though he’d never smoked before; which he hadn’t.

It cuts away and then back to him a moment later, reclining casually and with the smoke-filled lackadaisical grin common of those realising that this pleasure is relatively cheap, thoroughly enjoyable, completely legal and suddenly making him feel a good deal more-cool than he had ten minutes earlier.

He is converted to the factual pleasure of smoking by sheer experience. Well done him.

The rush of nicotine is one thing, but also consider that when smoking you’re not breathing and the lack of oxygen makes you a tad sleepy till the second second’s blast of nicotine hits again, the heart pumps and the pupils dilate and you take a moment for a breath of fresh and freeing oxygen before plunging back to the depths of the sedate-party that keeps you up all night.

If you hadn’t noticed by my prose, I used to be a smoker.

And now I’m distinctly less cool.

Then there is the pop-culture aspect.

Hemingway and John Wayne (plus denim jeans) – those guys, via TV, film, and the occasional strangely erotic magazine centrefold, emerging out of the mist, accomplished and horny (yikes) and ready to either gun you down like the script says to or write the script that says to gun you down; either way they’re smoking. And utterly cool.

And then one cannot deny the impact of the local popular minority, whom (at the typical teenage age) smoked themselves to blackened pieces in an effort to be an even more popular and more minor minority to such a degree that you wanted to be a part of it.

Their smoking was influenced and an influencer of all of the above and all of the below and if you didn’t start smoking because of other people standing near you then you’re an individual and I tip my hat to you.

There is also the mind’s being influenced by the physicality of smoking.

Don’t forget: sticks, stones and humankind were born perfectly for breaking politician’s bones and they’re wary of this.

One day, like guns and knives, the daily walking stick will be considered (rightfully so) a lethal weapon and shall be controlled by the central powers.

Holding a stick or a stone fills one with a sensation of capacity to affect.

With a stick or stone in hand, things happen as you decide them to, and the ancient feeling born from this is of confidence.

Have you ever held a handgun?

I have, and I felt distinctly un-fucked-with for those few minutes.

Smoking slots into this category, in terms of sensation akin to holding a gun/phallus and in terms of being removed by central powers.

Psychology all comes down to waggling your stick and waggling your phallus, in a smoking area or not. Man and woman, the cigarette is an emblem for the masculine phallus and it’s a pleasure to waggle.

Not only that, but a cigarette is a penis and a nipple.

Like a fish or a fat guy, having something in our mouths creates the illusion that we are safe according to the fact that we’re apparently eating.

The illusion of eating makes us feel better, and a cigarette re-enacts for us eating at our most secure; in our mother’s arms, sucking on her nipple.

In other words: smoking feels like home.

In additional other words: smoking feels like home and you also get to waggle your phallus around.

Next; FIRE!

Cigarettes are one of the only things that you light on fire and then proceed to place in your mouth. And that’s cool.

Not to say that things are improved once aflame, but there’s no denying things become cooler when fire is involved.

It is natural too.

We are the sort of species to find something, plant it, grow it, eat it, wear it, smoke it, inject it, and plant it again. Ancient cigarettes, entirely made of leaf, are something I can create and thus relate to.

I cannot, however, create a vaporizer. And so, accordingly, I want nothing to do with them.

Plus they remove the masculine/slightly acrid flavour of old shag and replace it with the doing-no-good-for-anyone marshmallow-rainbow-blossom flavour whilst you also look like you’re sucking a robot’s dick.

And that’s not my kind of cool.

They’re not our overlord’s just-yet. Let’s hold fire on the robot-dick sucking. Your toaster doesn’t hold such sway at the moment.

Finally, don’t smoke; it’s not cool for people who don’t smoke.

“Oh I simply must have my noxious intake in which I brood; a 48-year old cool kid that’s standing up against THE MAN (who doesn’t want cancer)” is the pro-smoking argument and it can simply either grow-up, fuck-off, or fuck-off in a grown-up way.

It’s not so much the fear of cancer, or even the wimpy argument that comes from a determined smoker…it’s the large smelly stage effect that you’ve just heaved out of your insides floating its way towards me down the street as I exit the building.

And that’s not cool.

Ultimately, despite being distinctly uncool, smoking is perhaps the coolest things a person can do; and that is why it’s still here.

Whaddaya gonna do?

Apparently it’s also bad for you – so perhaps it’s best to avoid.

Either way; LIKE and FOLLOW 🙂

Tarra,

Sam

There Was Only Ever Brad Pitt

Posted: June 17, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

As I write this upon my commute to work, there’s a woman on this train whose whole head looks exactly like a fish.

Not just a fish’s face, but a whole fish.

Tail included.

Now, I’m not classless enough to take a public photograph of this woman to share it over the internet, so I’ll do what I can to tell the tale of her face.

You’ve probably already arrived there already when you read “looks exactly like a fish”; enormous lips.

What can you do? Enormous lips are a mixture of what you think of when you picture a fish-looking-female, add some DNA, a dash of cosmetic surgery and perhaps a whole splodge of poutiness; it’s just a matter of business between your nose and chin that is different for all folk.

I’d love bigger lips, for mine are very mere – thin and the part of me that even the neighbourhood cat wouldn’t start eating if it found me dead (he’d probably start with my cheeks – I’ve got plenty of those).

Although, it’s probably beneficial to have the thin lips I do as I’ve a smile slightly broader than my face and to have lips on a par with this fish-headed woman would result in confused headaches for all who happened to look at me.

Again; what can you do?

Aside from the obvious lip-factor, next come her ears. Her ears are like a fish’s fins and obliques, bejewelled with earrings and make-up like some precious fish’s shining and glittering scales.

Her eyes are bulging and yet fishily-expressionless; shaded with tropical blue and green. I can’t tell what’s nearer to the tip of my nose from ten feet away; her what-can-you-do lips or her ‘are-you-livid/aroused/hungry/bemused/amused//confused/proud/excited-eyes’.

Her hair colour is irrelevant; but the shape was not.

Both blonde and brunette hair, raised in a pony-tail (whilst looking entirely unlike a horse – to her credit…and mine; I’ll take credit for anything) yet dangling out the back and finishing with an upwards jaunty flourish…………………like a tropical fish tail.

Again; her whole head is shaped as though a whole tropical fish. And I’m not finished yet.

The shape of her head.

It was fish shaped.

I’ll leave this description at that point; the point I’ve ran out of things to and enthusiasm with which to describe and am pleased at this.

She looks like a tropical fish, but here’s the rub.

What is she like?

Is she extraordinarily nice, intelligent and funny, self-mocking of her tropical fish shaped head?

Does she hate it, does she laugh at it, does she do both?

It’s a common factor, I feel, that people look a certain way yet are in and of themselves not that certain way but rather another.

Caught her eye just then, shared a moment’s gaze.

Is she delighted at the prospect of an admiring glance, the prospect of someone finding her attractive? Or does she wonder what the fuck this ugly guy is staring at her for, eager to, rather than be stared at, head home to her local pub and grab a handful of the lined-up and dutiful boners awaiting her?

Maybe they think she’s gorgeous and there’s no real sign that she isn’t. Just, also fish-like.

Beauty is in the eye of whomever is going to fuck this fish-headed woman. I’m sure there’s a market for this sort of thing; and if she’s got a clever brain she’ll dip her toes in it.

Perhaps she’s a decade ahead of me in this thinking; she’s been herself for longer than I’ve considered her on this one-hour and 15 minute train journey.

Good for her.

Some folk are born to look a certain way, and we need to deduct that from our perception of their potential personality.

Imagine Brad Pitt growing up, if you weren’t already doing so as you became bored throughout the fish-head description.

Picture Brad trying desperately searching to find self-critical flaws, as is the habit of teenagers’ the world over and through time, yet he encounters a reflection of a chap so handsome he simply realises his life is going to be ok.

Maybe he’ll try acting.

With looks that good, one must presume that at some point you’ll be handed a large sum of money; just on principle. Ever seen a Brad-Pitt-good-looking homeless guy? I’m still looking.

Perhaps that’s because there is no one of Earth that comes close to Brad Pitt good looking.

I considered a young Johnny Depp, and then realised this was folly. The only person who comes close to Brad Pitt as he is now; is Brad Pitt at other points in his life.

He is a standard of good-looking guy that is unattainable for all others.

If you have a baby boy, you might imagine he could become President of the USA, be an astronaut and walk on Mars, maybe even be Bill Gates rich; but you’ll never even for a moment entertain the insane thought that he’ll match Brad Pitt in the face.

If you concentrate on the idea of beautiful women, 10,000 rush into your head, blurring and merging into the basically the same image.

Angelina Jolie looks like Gal Gadot, looks like Natalie Portman, looks like Keira Knightley, looks like Winona Ryder.

The most beautiful woman in the world; and there’s five of them.

When concentrating on a handsome bloke; you think of Brad Pitt. Sometimes you do it just for the enjoyment of it; why not? I do. It’s not gay, it’s human, like watching the Northern Lights.

No one on Earth is better looking than that guy, and he has to live with that.

Face it – there was only ever Brad Pitt.

‘Face-it‘…Brad does.

And here, ‘face-it‘ doesn’t mean confront the situation, it means: do what Brad does.

Insert your extraordinarily-godly-good-looking face into your woes and watch shit get solved.

Brad Pitt got divorced from one of those many most-beautiful-woman-in-the-Hollywood-world, a real high-quality sort of wife that’s worth keeping for the kudos alone. A tricky divorce, kids, money, tabloids, and no-doubt some heartbreak to bitter-sweeten the hurt.

Know how he got over it?

He looked like Brad Pitt, and now all’s well.

It’s much later in the day now, and the fish-headed woman disembarked and went about her London day, and I mine.

I wish her well and hope she looked kindly on my ugly visage.

Here’s to her.

A whole new standard of fish-headedness.

And, honestly, kind of cute.

My beautiful wife has those same lips.

And I’m not Brad Pitt.

But, then again, no one is.

Only Brad Pitt was Brad Pitt and, really, Brad Pitt is all there ever was.

His face; onto the rocket it goes.

See you next time,

Sam

The Daily Slap – Read All About It; Or Something More Preferable

Posted: June 10, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I hate the saxophone.

Especially when someone is blowing one, indeed – blowing any wind/brass instrument, whilst maintaining eye-contact with me.

Looking deep into my eyes and blowing (not going to call it ‘playing’) the saxophone is the one thing that creeps me out in the whole orchestra; even the wind-chimes don’t elicit such a response from me.

That aside, I also feel that the saxophone simply sounds terrible and has no place in my ear or on planet Earth. There’s just no need for it and I want it gone.

I hate the saxophone deeply, but not as deeply as the blowers of them looking into my eyes whilst they’re going at it.

It looks like a creepy thing to do, like when my dog holds eye contact whilst farting – not betraying the slightest hint of fart-awareness which I feel is ever-so-slightly what he is going for.

He doesn’t even wag his tail to aid in relocating the whiff.

I hate the saxophone. It tries too hard.

They also look stupid, like an alien willy that some megalomaniac elected to emboss with gold and make glint. Too many valves and too many fiddly-bits. This is not an alien willy I feel I can get behind, whilst also certainly not wanting it behind me.

Then there’s the sound.

Another passion of mine is hatred for a general consensus that I didn’t have a say in.

For example, Olympians being seen as heroes. They’re not doing it for me, are they?

They’re devastating their childhood in the hope of some on-camera human-interest moment that might hopefully lead to presence in a biscuit advertisement and a life-long career as a pundit. Olympians are not heroes; they’re admirable capitalists.

Now I’m grumpy.

My reason for mentioning this is that I also reject the notion that the saxophone is the sound of cool.

It’s not cool. It is the pantomime joke of cool.

It is the overly-archetypal noise that is penciled in as representative of moonlit rendezvous with the limp-via-emotion dame being held firmly in the five firm fingers of the cool guy in his American car that speeds out of town from behind this pool-club and into the next town wanky enough to be represented by the saxophone.

Pass me…the trombone.

Now THAT is an alien penis I can get behind (still don’t want it behind me though – I guess no one wants to be snuck up on by brass and jazz instruments).

The trombone is mighty; comical and hellishly resonating, requiring guts, pomp and proud forearms (essential) to play. It is a sound that represents “Uh-Oh!” and “Oh Dear!” and is quite simply the most hilariously erotic noise an orchestra can summon.

I love the trombone.

It is silly, funny (with a capital F, U, N, N, and Y; making it simply a loud-to-read “FUNNY”), jolly, erotic, proud, strong, bold, awkward and wholly unnatural a noise outside of our heads. It’s like a some surreal cow that knows you’re engaging in intercourse and wants the whole meadow to be aware.

Again, it also looks tremendous, requiring the forearm strength and depth of puff that makes a man a good one. It can be gold and shiny, but also looks tremendous when dulled; like it was carried into battle and has been found in an old veteran’s foot-looker.

Think of all the jolly and noble generic jazz you can conjure in your head. It’s not a saxophone – it’s a trombone that saves the day.

And I’ve been considering publication names; what do you think of this:

‘The Trombone’.

I figured it a great name for a publication, in the spirit of the famed ‘bugle’, and would be the daily trombone. Power, purity, dirt and hilarity, it is an instrument that requires meat-pipes and a good arm to commit to; plus it is the key to the classically comedic ear-filler of SELRES_aa7a0856-87d1-4ada-b030-fb936669ce96https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GRnNzIvbh8SELRES_aa7a0856-87d1-4ada-b030-fb936669ce96, or simply the good-old https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKdcjJoXeEY .

Whilst I feel ‘The Trombone’ would be a smashing name for a publication, I’ve begun to engage in another activity that sees me through the day.

Fortunately, I’ve begun to slap myself each and every day in the spirit of reality, atonement for unfulfilled ambition and having a palm-full of face.

The Daily Slap, another positive name for a publication, snaps you out of the bitter funk of boredom (the only bad kind – even a funky smell is a positive thing to have in your kitchen, wallet and wife) that will will you down, keep you blue and unsexy, and fuzz your head with as much unoriginality as a saxophone.

However, beware brain cells prior to engaging in The Daily Slap.

There’s always the issue that you may become good at this, and in doing so elevate your palms to the rush-impact standard of deducting yourself the crucial brain cells that enable reading and fucking.

If you can’t read and you can’t fuck; you’d better have a damn fine hairstyle otherwise you’ll never be popular.

Unless mothers and wide-eyed mummy-wannabies will gather you up in their arms and insist you cannot read and fuck to such a hopeless degree that the only real solution to the unpleasant future ahead is a blanket and the instruction to bury one’s head in it and suck whatever you can find to suck within.

And even throughout such a distant and roaming thought process as the above, I still find my hatred of the saxophone to be a prevalent part of my being.

The Daily Slap, I recommend, as it is a real means of engaging with oneself and shudders off the dust of lethargy and is a real kick in the trousers (in the form of a slap in the face).

So, ‘The Trombone’ or ‘The Daily Slap’ – either way; have a good day.

Sam

I’ve a Boulder and That’s That.

Posted: May 28, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s hard to return to writing, for several reasons.

One, you get a new job with unartistically-favourable hours (e.g lots of hours). Two, you’re still dealing with emotional trauma that I’m still not ready to write about yet. Three, the last piece you wrote was about leading a League of Mongrel Messiahs.

A heck of a trinity for a heck of a second testament, but I’m too tired from a long day at work, tear breaks in the bathroom and concern about following an article about Mongrel Messiahs and the fact I’ve not distributed a single leaflet to the (I prefer to presume) common cause, so I’ll just introduce you to my pet boulder instead.

I’ve always wanted a boulder, ever since I came to the age of realisation that a boulder was a dependable bed-fellow that only departed in the most traumatic of quakes.

A boulder is for relying on.

A boulder will do what a boulder does -it got out of bed a million years ago and was immediately successful to the point of being able to lay back and crush its own laurels; which was actually the best method of success for a boulder anyway.

Plus they have character. Though a tad Stoney-faced (…………………………….chuckle); I find them to be quite adorable.

I watched them in the petit-meadows around Niagara Falls, hiding in the long-grass as though they were about to lunge out and give me a devastating tickling.

Swell, that’s what boulders are, all the way from Stonehenge’s royal slabs to the wee-ickle chap I’ve got snoozing on a shoe-box in the corner of my room; snoozing as though a lay-in is its forte, as though horizontality is the future of measurable achievement in bedroom corners, as though there’s not a thing you can do about it because…it’s a boulder and it isn’t responding to emails or sledgehammers today.

My boulder has no name. If I did name it, I’d name it “Boulder”; which make the entire process redundant anyway.

Weight: it’s getting there.

I’m thinking I’ll convince some concrete onto the top of it so that when I take it into the fields to do some lifting, it’ll be more substantial to grip. Like a haircut that can break your back.

I wonder what hairstyle would look best on a boulder.

A Beatlesesque bowl-cut could work, but I don’t have a bowl that broad (plus it’d be suitable for rock music………………………….guffaw). Perhaps an intimidating punk-Mohawk of concrete; which would be especially since it’s also a guard-boulder.

I feel that, should Burglar Bill stroll into through my window, past my particularly wimpy hound and iwakeable wife, then I trust he’ll glance over my boulder, concrete hair-do and all, and realise that fucking off out of my house is a genius plan.

Maybe a nice sensible haircut for; that’d be really disconcerting.

I want forearms like Pop-Eye, minus the speech impediment and more spinach. To get forearms like that guy you need to do more than just eat it, you need to bath in it, drink it, sniff it, listen to it and keep a careful squinty eye on it as your wife pours it into your boots and over your boulder.

Spinach, boulders, and concrete haircuts.

More of these please.

Me and my boulder have a routine. I pick it up, I lay it down, I repeat until one of us is feeling sleepy.

Throughout all of this, everything I have that can clench; I clench. Hands, toes, buttocks, knees, wrists, boulders, eyelids and (still attempting this) my willy.

Have you ever seen a clenched willy?

It looks boiled.

Even my boulder recoils.

Which is fine; it’s ok to have boundaries between your boulder and genitals, no matter how much they may have in common.

For instance, my boulder’s not permitted on the bed. Despite how adorable they are, boulders (to their credit) emirate a natural ‘fuckoffness’ which equates to a truly uncomfortable night.

Is this the sort of wisdom you expected from the founder of The League of Mongrel Messiahs?

Oh well.

I also feel that a boulder is a natural heirloom, something that will stand (sleep through) the tests of time and the bank won’t be bothered enough to take away. I can picture my great grandchildren playing with family boulder, wondering what the heck I was thinking but also understanding that boulders really are a reliable member of the family.

They rarely do something that boulder’s don’t do.

I work in London now, with a 2 hour commute a day, so between staring out the window and committing to elbow-wars for the arm-rest with the chap next to me, I’ll see to writing some of these more often.

Would you like that? Or was that “bump” just then the sound of the last fuck you gave being roughly commuted-over by my 07:29 to London?

Poor fuck.

I also gave up pork. But I’m not giving up pigs. I’ll explain that next time. A sad story but a good sad story.

Tarrah,

Sam

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →