Healthcare defence. How to blow your nose.

Posted: December 28, 2023 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

I’ve had a head cold.

It’s been very Christmassy.

A solution was to blow my nose, which I now know was a mistake without proper training.

Simply, I blew my nose too hard, to the point that the room began spinning after an immense pop.

I was dizzy, and after enjoy that for a minute or sonwith a few twirls about thr kitchen, i decided to google what might be seriously wrong with me.

Apparently, I never learned to blow my nose properly. And probably, nor did you.

I visited a health are website which explained: “if you blow your nose with too much force, the air that moves through the tube puts intense pressure on the little bones of your inner ear.”

Immediately upon hearing this, I felt like a right bastard.

Oh those poor little ear bones. There’s only three of them and they’re tiny. And I imagine they’re sisters too, being a trio, yet also a mix of toddlers and grannies; the traditionally infirm.

Too much pressure? I can relate, oh my dear, dear little ear bones.

The sympathy I felt was immense. Not for me, but for my ear bone trio that never did nothing to nobody.

Without a doubt, this same sympathy should be utilised for the benefit of our own health, individually and nationally.

Consider this. You drink too much. You think to yourself “this isn’t doing me any favours really, but oh well”. So you drink. Too much.

Now picture the same scenario, but with your liver sobbing quietly because the nasty alcohol was picking on it and pickling it.

I need to stimulate the same for my ventricles. Don’t we all?

We (well, even if you all don’t, I will) should adopt a more aggressive, protective, perhaps even parental attitude to our health.

Psychopathic, would be most appropriate.

“Anyone here got a problem with my darling little gall bladder, step my way and I’ll nut you…..with my defenceless little forehead….”

It might be a flawed approach, but then apparently so is the traditional method of blowing one’s nose.

One nostril at a time everyone, same for blowing your nose as it is for all things.

One nostril. Less dizzy. And defend your gall bladder with your lives.

Sam

PS: this is written in memory for those dearly beloved little ear bones. They just couldn’t take the pressure of the season.

The Vitamins We Don’t Know About Yet

Posted: June 4, 2023 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Naturally, I’m talking about witchcraft.

Or maybe that’s “unnaturally”?

At a zoo this past weekend, I made a grab for some buffalo hair, which was laying beside a buffalo that I supposed had finished with it.

Frankly it was still too near the buffalo, and I don’t think we as a species have the right vitamins yet that reverse being gored by a buffalo. Being gored and launched high and far, landing on the hard and sharp bits of myself that no one would want to land on – would require a lot of vitamins.

Strong vitamins. Big vitamins.

Y’know – witchcraft.

I do have some crushed beetle. That was entirely accidental though, but I’ve still got the crushed bits and if I could apply them I’d feel less guilty about that step I took.

My figuring was that I would take these bits, mix them together with some flora, probably some water because hydration is important even in witchcraft, and create a brew, the like of which witches would gather around on a dark and stormy night on a hilltop.

Despite stereotypes, they wouldn’t cackle at my brew, because I wouldn’t invite that sort of witch.

Such a brew, essentially a potion, is invariably, actually, soup of many varying qualities.

Carrot soup – is a potion to combat poor night vision.

Lamb soup – is a potion to combat that local lamb overpopulation problem you’ve been having.

All potions are soups, all soups are potions, some with particular benefits (garlic soup would be good for your immunity) and most have an overall benefit of ending your hunger for a few hours.

Once this was witchcraft, now ’tis science. That’s the order; magic until proven by someone with a degree.

That’s why I want to make a potion, or a ‘spell-soup’, out of some other ingredients, to see if there are some vitamins we don’t know about yet.

So I may take some buffalo hair and crushed beetle, perhaps some chicken stock for flavouring, and whooooooooosh, one sip and and a full, thick head of hair can be yours again tomorrow.

Or your penis will stay hard during whatever occasion you need it for. Probably not rock-climbing.

Or some foul luck will befall that person you dislike (like a horrific rock-climbing accident in which an appendage became lodged in a crook, or a cranny).

Or we keep mixing it together and realise it isn’t so great for swallowing, but is simply fabulous for building houses out of, like horsehair plaster.

Now those are some vitamins.

I like this path of having begun going about witchcraft, progressed through to cooking, had hopes of medicine, ended up in construction.

First things first though, I’ll be needing a cauldron.

And a big spoon.

So do you.

Sam