Hamster in a ball? What do you want? A medal? Fine.

Posted: May 28, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I can hear the hamster in its ball, trundling along with the rattle of tiny turds accompanying it; bumping into table legs and me.

What does it want? A medal?

Fine have a medal. I’ll go and get a medal and give it to you.

This is not what a hamster is for (I don’t actually know what a hamster is for – they weren’t my idea).

No animal is meant to be in a ball. A cage is bad, but at least it doesn’t rain turds whenever you take a step.

You could put any animal into a ball and it’d do that exact same thing as this hamster. An elephant would also bump into table legs and me, and fuck us all up due to the tonnage and collision, but might feel bad about it – which is nice. It’s nice to know something feels bad on your behalf.

Actually, a dolphin might not do the exact same thing as a hamster and an elephant. Unless it got a shove. Depends.

If the dolphin is put in a ball and then left to be alone in a ball – it’d just flop about whilst squeaking. If you put it in a ball and then gave it a bit of help, just to get it going: it’d rotate forever.

A dolphin is ideally shaped to rotate in a ball eternally. What does it want, a medal? Fine. I’ll get the dolphin a medal too.

The hamster meanwhile doesn’t even need its eyes, nose, ears. It just about needs internal organs, but it sure as shit wishes it didn’t need an arsehole right now. If it had none of those things, it’d be doing the exact same thing, bumping into table legs.

Poor table legs. You know, the Victorians used to cover them up in case they aroused visitors?

I feel that the Victorian era was one in which everyone was outrageously aroused, whilst pretending beyond reason that they weren’t.

They pretended instead that their genitals were cold, and sleepy, and not there.

The truth, meanwhile, was obvious – just look at the number of children they kept procreating. Children were a major portion of the workforce, whilst also being the biggest output of the era – and more people meant more people. And eventually one of those ‘more people’ put a hamster in a ball.

When did we start putting hamsters into balls?

Holy shit, the hamster just rolled the whole length of my 30-foot kitchen, through the door way into the hall, and into the lounge, all in one go – no collisions.

That shut me up.

That was classy. Shit rain and all.

I’ve taken the hamster out now, and put her back into her relatively pleasant cage. Then gave her some treats.

Her name is GingerSnow. And she rolls well.

What does she want, a medal. Fine, she can have two.

Now please excuse me, I need to make some medals.

Sam