What about a sumo wrestler – anytime you wanted?

Posted: November 16, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

To pre-empt the following; everyone feels down sometimes.

Sometimes, we feel dishonourable to our ancestors.

Fortunately, I’ve been watching television.

And I’ve discovered the Grand Sumo league has free coverage on NHK WORLD-JAPAN.

It’s fantastic, truly.

The slapping, the blessing, the inadvertent headbutts, the little envelopes, the lot – I highly recommend it.

But nothing comes close to the satisfaction of seeing the faces those in the front row change from keen interest, to slow realisation, to horror, to another slow realisation, to joy, as a 300lbs+ man falls on them.

In my front room, watching this, we’d all go “YAY!” and so would the expressions of those in the front row: because clearly their ancestors were smiling upon them.

Whilst officially not encouraged by the league (sumo try not to fall on people), it is genuinely considered a great honour for a sumo to land on you. You see, that means you’re right up close to the action, privileged and cool.

Depression hits everyone – and I believe sumo wrestlers should too.

Imagine, you’re walking home after a crap day at work, missed the bus, no partner waiting at home, dog ran off with the milkman, and its raining.

What you need is a blessing from your ancestors at a very reasonable price.

An uplift in honour – to treat yourself!

Just sign-up to my new app: Sumo On Demand – and a qualified sumo wrestler will come to your location and land on you.

Honour!

Prices vary, but the top price is the ‘Flat Rate’ – due to you being completely flattened by the sumo and honour.

I don’t mean to see obnoxious, but this is a bloody brilliant idea and investors are welcome to get in touch.

Alternatively, I can apply to Dragon’s Den, have one of my dedicated team of highly trained sumo wrestlers land on each of them, and see how that turns out.

I’d be ‘In’.

If you’re interested in being flattened by a sumo wrestler and increasing your personal honour – drop a comment below, I’ll see what I can arrange.

Sam

Everyone needs a zombie apocalypse sometimes

Posted: November 15, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

To begin, I have a lot – A LOT – of tinned food.

Don’t ask why.

It would be a shame to watch it lose its shine due to dust on the shelf.

Don’t get me wrong, I recognised more than most that the beauty of tinned food is its agelessness on the shelf. But they’re also handy in a starvation scenario in which everyone needs more beans.

Nobody wants to see tinned food go to waste, and I’ve got a lot of it – though if you’re my neighbour, please disregard that fact and stay away from my house.

Another point – I’ve a lot of baseball bats.

Slightly more baseball bats than tinned food, actually.

And what a waste it would be – if there was never the occasion to apply a baseball bat to its destiny; not so much baseballs, but the undead.

That eagerness to see nothing go to waste extends to supermarkets, so there’s a good chance for a nice afternoon’s looting too.

The tinned food, the pleasing swish of a swingeing baseball bats, and a trip to the shops. The zombie apocalypse is just something to look forward to.

There’s also the other distinct upsides of the apocalypse:

  • Financial loans no longer require your devotion. Mortgage? Pfft, If you’ve enough baseball bats you can move straight in to Buckingham Palace (though be cautious of infected corgis).
  • That heartbreak you suffered in the bad-old-days has now been pushed out of your mind, either by concern for zombies or a baseball bat rearranging your brains.
  • No more Mondays.

Do you have any idea how little your GCSEs matter at the end of the world? They’re still very important (stay in school. And lock the doors.).

The apocalypse is something people look forward to.

“Wouldn’t it be nice if the world ended”

I suppose definition of “world” is subjective.

For some it’s the planet on which we live, and most people hope remains intact.

For others, the “world” is the society in which they live – demanding their time, money and even enthusiasm, and a lot of people would like to see some change there. Zombies might be the answer.

Lastly, your life is your “world” and you just fancy a change: “It’s a nice day for zombies!”

Maybe, we want to dehumanise the ‘competition’ out there in society or simply start again. Smashing the buggers to pieces without legal ramifications, or be left alone in our bunkers.

Personally, it’s currently a Saturday morning and I do think it’s a nice day for zombies. We’ll see what happens.

Right, must dash – there’s someone moaning and scratching at the door. It’s probably the milkman, who we’ve not seen for 30 years.

And remember, keep your tinned food shiny and your baseball bats plentiful.

Sam