I am the Greatest Human to Ever Live. Part 1.

Posted: July 31, 2015 | Author: samsywoodsy | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, ego, funny, humans, Humour, posture, self improvement, self-help, writing |Leave a comment

A Superior Ego and Excellent Posture.

I want to start with my ego.

It’s better than yours.

Your ego gives you just about enough presence of thought to enable you to become really skilled at watching YouTube videos, with a distinct knowledge of how to increase your arse breadth.

Whereas myself (Who? Me?); I’ve been working on my ego.

My ego has brought me to a point in my life in which I feel comfortable enough to say that I am the greatest human to ever live. And that took some effort to say. Not that you need to congratulate me since I’ll just be assuming you are anyway (I assume the clamour of my glamour).

I like to enter rooms.

And sometimes, once inside, I’ll just wait for the applause to wash over me like a shower of appreciative spit. Warm and running down to dampen my socks, that’s how I like my applause.

And although I may be waiting for what might never come, it is the being prepared to wait that matters. And enjoying waiters manoeuvre around me as I bow with arms outstretched.

When I get to the bank, I hand over a pound and whisper loud enough for the camera to hear: “Don’t mention it. Get yourself something nice. I want you to look good for me” to the teller.

It doesn’t matter if they’re male or otherwise; my ego’s too flawless to consider people beyond their haircuts.

Their genitals; that’s their business. Their genitals may remain in the bank, for I will purely take note of the hair-doo and wardrobe.

Their attire, depending on the mood of the moment; that might well become mine.

And the same goes for their lunch.

I don’t need to pay you for your lunch; I gave a pound to the bank.

That’s my economy.

It’ll work its way back to you if that pound hasn’t already become enshrined with a very bamboo-themed décor.

By the way, I’m not suggesting you’d want compensation because I stole your lunch – I wouldn’t steal your lunch; I’d accept it as an offering, like a lamb to the slaughter only I want the wool for a bedsheet too.

Also, I wouldn’t steal a lunch. I’d steal banquet. Because I know how to handle a sack of swag and I’m sure I could fill it and manoeuvre it as though it were a bag o’ feathers as opposed to a sack o’ peacock gooches.

I’d could go on about my ego, but it’s too broad a topic for me focus my whole attention span onto for more than a couple of minutes, so I’ll just finalise the ego-section by declaring how appropriate my face would be to adorn currency.

People would get into debates and haggles when one will then mention: “Well I have Sam’s face” and the other will have my face too and they shall both agree they have encountered a glorious impasse and surely they must retire to an early bed.

Because my face is like looking at the sun for too long.

It can fuck up your reading.

I’d apologise…but I am not going to apologise.

Who’d want to read when the option of staring at my visage is still entirely viable? Even following those minutes you spent improving your vocabulary, wasting of your time when you could have been learning a thing far greater from my face alone; that there is no God.

There is no God. Here I am.

I am not God. There you are.

So let’s move onto posture shall we?

My posture.

It’s commanding.

I’m followed by an audience of my posture like a Pide Piper of Hamlin because my posture is mightily followable.

Can I see over that tall hedge to gaze at the predators coming our way (not that I’m worried. For me, predators are a food-group and that’s why I’m laughing when I see them. Not that you’d know)? No. But the hedge were slightly shorter than myself – I’d be able to see right over it owing to my miraculous height. And why am I this tall? Because of my posture, baby.

Tailors crave me, and I let them crave me. They want me and my posture for their craft and I deny them because it’s too amusing to be pursued by a tailor.

They’re as flappy and as floppy as you’d expect.

And so am I; here’s why.

I was once told by a good friend of mine that there is nothing wrong with taking yourself too seriously.

So every other day when I feel the need to bump myself right in the confidence I take myself too seriously so as to remind myself that my ego’s better than yours and how my posture is worth shouting about.

When I say “shout” – I do mean literally.

I do everything literally.

I take the bull by the horns because I want to take the bull and the horns were right there, being horny and graspable…like me.

I find myself getting grasped perpetually in the park, mainly getting grasped in the posture.

It’s awesome; posture affirming.

Did wonders for my ego and I didn’t even need it.

I’m am the greatest human to ever live.

And so are you.

Next time on I am the Greatest Human to Ever Live: Romance and my smile.

Oh my! I’ll see you then.

Sam

(P.S. Am I going to proofread this? No! I save proofreading for articles less perfect).

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