How to bear-proof your home against pollen.Posted: June 27, 2022
I’m having a think about this, and its never not-worth your time remembering that flowers are inadvertently trying to fuck you each spring time.
And that’s just flowers, let alone pine-trees. Imagine that. A cum shot that bruises you and also makes a good dinner table centre-piece in spring.
We’re just lucky they don’t gasp when they do it. And then snore.
Hayfever is what it is, and what it is is flower pollen landing on your face and in your eyes and down your throat in the sort of ways that should only be viewable when renting from the back section, behind the curtain, of a video shop.
Maybe video shops don’t exist any more, but the flowers are still trying to fuck me.
And to their credit, bears, great white sharks, and vultures have never tried to fuck me. A few dogs have, sure – but I’d rather not talk about that.
I’m not sure if flower-proofing my neck and face would be so effective against bears, sharks and vultures. But bear-proofing my neck and face (better include genitals too) against flowers is a strong, strong game plan against hayfever.
How to do this though? First step, you’re going to need a flame-thrower.
Obviously. We all need flame-throwers, but this time (and for tax-reasons) its personal.
Once acquired, it’s a matter of aim and enflame the pettaled bastards, which is also very just because enflamed is the current status of my eyes due to sunflower sperm.
Second step, concrete.
I’m in a position in which I’ve discovered that concrete is something you can buy, mix with water, and proceed to ruin your back garden. I’ve done this. I’ve done this hard, and I’ve taken a little bit of pride – not in how much I’ve fucked it up – but in terms of realizing with delight how easy it is to fuck up, and so monumentally. It was a negative, but a negative very well done.
So the tips for concrete are: get some concrete, mix it with water, and then pour it all over your home. Start with the roof.
You see, I want to bear proof my home.
There’s a strong chance of a bear home invasion in my neighborhood, we just need someone to vastly increase the local bear population one day. Then we can get weather-PERSON updates, like we do with the pollen count.
Lots of grizzly bears today, better bring an umbrella.
I’ve hayfever so my nose itches with pollen, but this may be better than having a bear up my nose.
Getting back to the point, once your home is covered in concrete, resembling a gritty suburban mountain, be sure to include just a little hole for poking your flame-thrower through (in addition to using it for achieving a career, intimate relations with others, and hopefully loafs of bread and tinned water, tinned meat/vegetables/fruit and then tins of sunlight, plus flame-thrower fuel).
Then, if it’s a bear that invades your home, you should have no clue that this is what’s going on.
If it’s a flower that’s trying to fuck you, they’d better have dreams of impregnating a gritty suburban mountain in which the only hole shoots fire, otherwise they’re just wasting their time.
And what more could we really hope for than for a flower to waste its time?
I don’t know. Ask a better writer.