How do you make a donkey reverse? You make the carrot frightening.
I’ve had an urge, for a long while now, to arm myself with something beyond the pale of civilised means- such as doorlocks and kung fu.
Hence, I’ve now a bow and set of arrows lying atop my coffee table- making it a much more appreciated ‘bow and arrow’ table- which I hope to make available soon in a superstore near you.
Why would I acquire a bow and arrow?
Where I live, a county called Kent in England, we have ourselves a local legend about a puma-like big cat- that people of the area see the arse-end of as it, yet again, disappears- or they find the wreckage of a partially eaten, mostly dead chicken.
And, obviously, I need a new rug/pet and so will be seeking this massive feline out so as to ‘achieve’ it as such (I feel that ‘achieving’ could be a much more possessive and aggressive act…”I achieved you mum”), as well as to have some degree of vengeance for the chickens that I’ll never get the chance to meet.
Hunting. I’m here to hunt.
I have to admit that I’m much more of a gatherer though. I tend to pick up things as I make my way around the Earth, and then leave a little trail of items I’ve discarded owing to a matter of lacking pocket space.
However, the natural instinct that I feel within me to hunt is potent, and enjoyable.
Hunting. It makes eating a little spookier owing to the activity frequently revolving around murder and digestion in the forest. Not only this, but it also tends to mean you can wear what was your dinner after eating it.
This is harder to do as a gatherer in the more-traditional sense; wearing what you find, as opposed to wearing what you’ve killed, doesn’t work so splendidly.
Doing that with watermelons is frowned upon by most people who have a brow to frown with. Why? Because helmets, which is at the most what a watermelon can be, are only supposed to go on your head. Maybe feet. Not buttocks. Not testicles- no matter how scared you are of sudden impact to potential descendants, and dick/and/or/vagina.
I like hunting and, though my current kill rate is zero, my aim is improving.
My current aim tends to be at suburban pigeons, and they are as surprised as sweet hell to find an arrow swishing past them. They don’t need to dodge it, but they move anyway. There’s nothing quite like making a pigeon’s eyes widen.
Naturally, in the same fashion as in the United States, my weaponry is for hunting, but it undoubtedly has a practical purpose in defending my property and wife.
I would like people, and yes…of course…zombies, to know that if they should attempt to crash through my door as part of the massive horde…then they be met with a volley of whatever I can find when I’ve let loose all my arrows. Probably the longer items in my cutlery collection- meaning that people, and yes…of course…zombies, will find themselves impaled by the most mundane of domestic items.
And that’s why we need to relax.
Zombies at your door with a collection of arrows and broom-handles sticking out of where you aimed should not be something to look forward to for such a collection of us as we are.
Why do we feel the need to do this? Why do we feel as though we need a zombie apocalypse?
A chance to start anew.
From the moment that begins, you’re are 90% more interesting because finally something happened to you- and you’re likelihood of being some sort of hero in your own story is multiplied to a degree that matters to you.
Credit history lost, the waste of years lost, all that time in traffic gone, no longer such a thing as a migraine because you don’t have time…
With less people, you feel like this Earth is suddenly a whole lot larger and the chance of you making it yours are finally nearer to that 100% that you have always secretly craved.
And though this is not a flawed feeling, it is a lack of understanding.
The chance for you to rule the Earth is perpetually immediate, although obviously easier for some than others- but still ‘achievable’ (growl).
You just needed to meditate first…and then move along with the home-defence.
Ten minutes a day of silence, eyes closed, lovely posture and a focus on what you want is a way towards the wonders that you are meditating for. You will think more clearly, and you will be more self-aware and open to whatever comes your way, you will be willing to start something…a challenge is an opportunity to become and to learn. As for the soul, and all that…whatever- I feel it is a placebo that works for the personality.
The only aside of this from home defence is that you allow people in as freely as a public park- possessions will fuck you over and eliminate your pocket space. So let them go, in and out, forget your things so as to remember your people and yourself.
If you’re being attacked- then be equally violent back: meditation is a personal thing that is relevant to whatever you conjure up in your life. If your decision is to punch a violent attacker, then maybe a little mediation will aid you and your knuckles.
Defend yourself- certainly, and hunt often, but do not be prepared to shut yourself down and away as though the rest of the world is contaminated.
As much as we are our own species greatest predator, when one of us is endangered or infected, we are all our saviour and our cure.
I have a bow and arrow, for home-defence, hunting, and for acquiring that enormous feline that makes myths about my locality.
I also have a C# key, liberated from an abandoned glockenspiel.
I have realised that when creating a great impact with this key- it makes a deep vibrating sound much like that of a Buddhist gong
This reminds me of the time I travelled in Northern India, Himachel Pradesh, Dharamsala, McLeod Ganj, and I am temporarily transported to that place, by the temple, over-looking the valley of the lower Himalayas, and I am peaceful.
I am also ready to defend myself- which I had to as was attacked by monkeys shortly before hand, which is far less amusing than you are probably imagining right now. You might find it slightly funnier now though, as I tell you that they attacked whilst I interrupted their oral sex.
So when I am attacked- I have a meditative aid to deliver a blow to the forehead of my unfortunate aggressor. It goes “Dong”, whilst the forehead makes an altogether crunchier sound.
What home-defence offers you is a feeling of preparation to deal with what is coming in your life. Meditation is an actual way of preparing to deal with what is coming in your life.
Mediation is a means of defending your true home- your mind, and herein is the link between the two, but the distinction between them is still constant: home defence encourages keeping others out whilst mediation espouses a yearning to enjoy other people so as to either invite them in or knock on their door.
Prepare your mind, not your doorstep, unless you are expecting some of those guests you’ve gone and acquired.
Host the world, neighbour to all.
I was trying to find out what else I could do with my hamstrings.
Perhaps a bow and arrow?
I’ve got the bone and sinew (whatever that might be) and aside from that I think all you really need are…arrows. I don’t know how to make a bow and arrow, but I do know how to make a mess and I assume that in making a bow out of your own body is going to have some sort of mess made in the process. So I can at least know it looks like I know what I’m doing.
Note here that I’m not trying to encourage some sort of Hannibal Lector- Buffalo Bill- let’s grab a shovel- situation. But…it’s my bones and sinew; I’ll do what I want with it. Plus I’m thinking of getting into archery.
There’s roughly eight pence worth of gold in the average adult human body- that could be the first prize in the archery contest, and I’m only going to be using my legs out of passion, rather than the logistics of competing, so it’s not like my hamstrings are essential.
I also feel that the human brain could be used as some sort of cushion.
So could the human arse.
Combine the two and you have a seat which is made from brains and buttocks. No need to joke about it being a clever-arse or anything, because this is serious. And only slightly funny.
This whole topic stems from a personally held belief that holding a donor card doesn’t just apply to when you’re dead. It applies to helping out as best you can…aesthetically.
If you don’t need it- donate it to those that do. Like noses. If you’re not a chef, fireman, or parent…you don’t need it. I could have that nose of yours…but then I don’t really need it either, but I might give it to that man I saw once who had no nose.
How did he smell? He couldn’t- he had no nose you insensitive fucker! Think next time! And give him your nose- you’re not even a chef. Unless of course you are a chef…in which case…you’re a chef…keep your nose on.
If you’re worried about this inspiring someone to go outside and start acquiring pieces of their neighbours for the benefit of the rest of nation…don’t. It’s ok…it’s philosophy. It’s just philosophy.
Philosophy is not something to be applied- you’re thinking of that thing known as: ‘good advice’.
‘Good advice’ (as I believe it’s called) is something that can really get you along in life. Like being advised on the timeless lessons of ‘one’ and the subsequent result following the addition of other numbers, or the one about wearing a condom.
Wearing a condom and adding is not philosophy, it is the best advice for most people, unless you want to easily lose count of how many times you get the clap.
Philosophy is about a subject to think about. Indeed, philosophy itself is something to think about- you can tell by the way that it is something we are currently thinking about. Ergo (Oh yes- ergo)…it’s philosophy.
Of course, you can think about the entire components of ‘good advice’- therefore making it philosophy. But people tend to develop their own philosophy as they make their way through life, which tends not to help. If you go purely by this, rather than by the ‘good advice’ that will come at you through life, then you will have a tendency to not develop as fully as you might. ‘Good advice’, works, as it comes from those who also have adopted ‘good advice’ from others. It is learned lessons that breakthrough when people are open to listening, for their own good.
Aside from this we have the extremely useful human body part which is- hair.
‘Hair The Applicable’ would be its adventurer’s name, should hair ever decide to leave the walled city (and head/barbershop) to see the world and seek it’s fortune.
Hair can be made into rope, string, cloth, and when matted and stiffened it can be made into anything- like a car door frame or a toy horsey. A fairly shit car door frame and toy horsey, but still good to a degree that they can be referred to as such.
Mainly though it is used as stuffing, as the best thing tend to be.
What other things are used as stuffing? How about stuffing, Sherlock? Checkmate. Everyone’s favourite turkey interior.
Not to suggest that stuffing is a human body part. But most of us is…stuffing…just with a few more applications. Take the intestines as a mighty example. They perform an important function in that they aid digestion and transportation of waste, but mainly it’s important because if it wasn’t there then we’d all be a little more hollow and at the moment this is a negative.
You know what our species is like. If we find a hollow, we have to fill it…you’ve heard what some people will put up their butts (and good for them), imagine what people will put into their lower-belly cavity. Until that area can be appropriately used as a storage/containment area for things aside from intestines…I’m afraid we’re going to have to move on.
What would you keep there? It’d likely have to be ‘intestine-y’. Basically my Punch and Judy sausages (I’m a natural puppeteer- Philadelphia Airport security certainly thought so).
I wonder if we sewed an extra hand to the wrist of a willing deaf-person; would they become 50% more articulate. They’d probably just become verbose, shouting/thrusting at me in sign language: “Fucking stupid idea”, as I guiltily put down my needle and thread.
I’m glad hair doesn’t bleed when you cut it- it’d just make your barber’s wetter in red.
The main circumstance that I’m trying to put across here is that we should share more often, especially since body parts are harder to come by when you’re not involved in the battle of the Somme (plenty of body parts, plenty of call for them).
You’re going to die, and when you do so, you might like to know slightly beforehand that your hair will fill the beds of a humanitarian aid camp, or that your left eyeball might see again in the socket of a child who gets to ride a bike like all the other kids now. Your hand would be an awesome thing to leave behind, although maybe we should leave that for now as the robotic technology is pretty impressive.
Although I would have to say that whereas robotic hands are cool, it would be much cooler to say the following:
“Hey. I see you looking at my hand. You like it? It’s his”
Once more…this is a hell of a conversation starter.