You’ve read the title, now here’s the list that I came up with whilst I was waiting. I don’t remember what I was waiting for now, so this must have been my priority. Things you can do with a chicken, as follows:
1. Take one chicken. Take that chicken anywhere- take it to a variety of places. Drop the chicken. Then watch their reaction. I recommend water. I also recommend chickens. You can quote me on both of those subjects. Drop the chicken. It might become a metaphor if you do it enough.
2. Pick on the chicken- it will fight back and that’s simply an interesting relationship to have. Chickens are not pussies. Obviously- don’t try to hurt the chicken, but self-defence counts everywhere. Same goes for the chicken towards you. Everyone- defend yourself from what you’re about to do to each other.
3. Feed the chicken. Feed it to see how far you’ll both go. What is the chicken prepared to eat, and what are you willing to feed it? If you’re still enough, and if you’re near enough, they’ll eat you. Are you ready for that? Have you ever been eaten? If you have- well done. If you have not, catch up with the rest of us now. Don’t forget, this is why we all suddenly got a chicken- personal development.
4. Dress the chicken. This will follow on from the ‘pick on the chicken’ system. Dress the chicken up like a duck. It might help. If not, why not make it look as much like a meal of chicken before it actually becomes one. This could be the start of something big for chickens- and it only took dropping them, teasing them and feeding them unnecessary items to get them here. No one else is doing this for chickens.
5. Play the chicken. Think of the chicken as a neglected drum. Or an overly-passed-by trumpet. Of course, the percussion aspect of the chicken is much more tolerable to you both, when compared to the wind-abilities. When you find the place to blow into, see if you can also stand back at the same time. You can’t, but it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t try. Along with this, the drum-aspect of a chicken is far tastier, purely because the option to taste is left to your hands which are far less talented than the tongue and nose and in more than a few distinct roles. Namely tasting chicken. People don’t tend to say: “Mmm. Feels like chicken!”.
6. Try to make them laugh. Imagine discovering that chickens laugh. Imagine being the person accredited with making the first known chicken-chuckle to occur. You would be on t-shirts. You’d be more popular than chicken is today. And then consider that people would be able to devote (and some really would DEVOTE) their time to causing chickens to laugh. It would be like a parlour game, or a rite of passage. You can’t join until you have split the chicken’s sides. You’d change the world. Good for you.
7. Just watch them. They’re pretty funny. Like feathered robots that let nothing stop them from carrying out their most primal instincts. They also hate each other and see another chicken as a mix between something to fuck, something to eat, and something to be stopped from fucking and eating because they’re a chicken and a bastard. They also jump if required- but this pales in comparison to dropping them.
So has been a list of things you can do with a chicken. If you can think of other things to do, you might want to do two things. Firstly, consider that may I know about that one and chose not to put it in because it is crass. And secondly, consider keeping that idea to yourself, just like I did.