There Was Only Ever Brad Pitt

As I write this upon my commute to work, there’s a woman on this train whose whole head looks exactly like a fish.

Not just a fish’s face, but a whole fish.

Tail included.

Now, I’m not classless enough to take a public photograph of this woman to share it over the internet, so I’ll do what I can to tell the tale of her face.

You’ve probably already arrived there already when you read “looks exactly like a fish”; enormous lips.

What can you do? Enormous lips are a mixture of what you think of when you picture a fish-looking-female, add some DNA, a dash of cosmetic surgery and perhaps a whole splodge of poutiness; it’s just a matter of business between your nose and chin that is different for all folk.

I’d love bigger lips, for mine are very mere – thin and the part of me that even the neighbourhood cat wouldn’t start eating if it found me dead (he’d probably start with my cheeks – I’ve got plenty of those).

Although, it’s probably beneficial to have the thin lips I do as I’ve a smile slightly broader than my face and to have lips on a par with this fish-headed woman would result in confused headaches for all who happened to look at me.

Again; what can you do?

Aside from the obvious lip-factor, next come her ears. Her ears are like a fish’s fins and obliques, bejewelled with earrings and make-up like some precious fish’s shining and glittering scales.

Her eyes are bulging and yet fishily-expressionless; shaded with tropical blue and green. I can’t tell what’s nearer to the tip of my nose from ten feet away; her what-can-you-do lips or her ‘are-you-livid/aroused/hungry/bemused/amused//confused/proud/excited-eyes’.

Her hair colour is irrelevant; but the shape was not.

Both blonde and brunette hair, raised in a pony-tail (whilst looking entirely unlike a horse – to her credit…and mine; I’ll take credit for anything) yet dangling out the back and finishing with an upwards jaunty flourish…………………like a tropical fish tail.

Again; her whole head is shaped as though a whole tropical fish. And I’m not finished yet.

The shape of her head.

It was fish shaped.

I’ll leave this description at that point; the point I’ve ran out of things to and enthusiasm with which to describe and am pleased at this.

She looks like a tropical fish, but here’s the rub.

What is she like?

Is she extraordinarily nice, intelligent and funny, self-mocking of her tropical fish shaped head?

Does she hate it, does she laugh at it, does she do both?

It’s a common factor, I feel, that people look a certain way yet are in and of themselves not that certain way but rather another.

Caught her eye just then, shared a moment’s gaze.

Is she delighted at the prospect of an admiring glance, the prospect of someone finding her attractive? Or does she wonder what the fuck this ugly guy is staring at her for, eager to, rather than be stared at, head home to her local pub and grab a handful of the lined-up and dutiful boners awaiting her?

Maybe they think she’s gorgeous and there’s no real sign that she isn’t. Just, also fish-like.

Beauty is in the eye of whomever is going to fuck this fish-headed woman. I’m sure there’s a market for this sort of thing; and if she’s got a clever brain she’ll dip her toes in it.

Perhaps she’s a decade ahead of me in this thinking; she’s been herself for longer than I’ve considered her on this one-hour and 15 minute train journey.

Good for her.

Some folk are born to look a certain way, and we need to deduct that from our perception of their potential personality.

Imagine Brad Pitt growing up, if you weren’t already doing so as you became bored throughout the fish-head description.

Picture Brad trying desperately searching to find self-critical flaws, as is the habit of teenagers’ the world over and through time, yet he encounters a reflection of a chap so handsome he simply realises his life is going to be ok.

Maybe he’ll try acting.

With looks that good, one must presume that at some point you’ll be handed a large sum of money; just on principle. Ever seen a Brad-Pitt-good-looking homeless guy? I’m still looking.

Perhaps that’s because there is no one of Earth that comes close to Brad Pitt good looking.

I considered a young Johnny Depp, and then realised this was folly. The only person who comes close to Brad Pitt as he is now; is Brad Pitt at other points in his life.

He is a standard of good-looking guy that is unattainable for all others.

If you have a baby boy, you might imagine he could become President of the USA, be an astronaut and walk on Mars, maybe even be Bill Gates rich; but you’ll never even for a moment entertain the insane thought that he’ll match Brad Pitt in the face.

If you concentrate on the idea of beautiful women, 10,000 rush into your head, blurring and merging into the basically the same image.

Angelina Jolie looks like Gal Gadot, looks like Natalie Portman, looks like Keira Knightley, looks like Winona Ryder.

The most beautiful woman in the world; and there’s five of them.

When concentrating on a handsome bloke; you think of Brad Pitt. Sometimes you do it just for the enjoyment of it; why not? I do. It’s not gay, it’s human, like watching the Northern Lights.

No one on Earth is better looking than that guy, and he has to live with that.

Face it – there was only ever Brad Pitt.

Face-it‘…Brad does.

And here, ‘face-it‘ doesn’t mean confront the situation, it means: do what Brad does.

Insert your extraordinarily-godly-good-looking face into your woes and watch shit get solved.

Brad Pitt got divorced from one of those many most-beautiful-woman-in-the-Hollywood-world, a real high-quality sort of wife that’s worth keeping for the kudos alone. A tricky divorce, kids, money, tabloids, and no-doubt some heartbreak to bitter-sweeten the hurt.

Know how he got over it?

He looked like Brad Pitt, and now all’s well.

It’s much later in the day now, and the fish-headed woman disembarked and went about her London day, and I mine.

I wish her well and hope she looked kindly on my ugly visage.

Here’s to her.

A whole new standard of fish-headedness.

And, honestly, kind of cute.

My beautiful wife has those same lips.

And I’m not Brad Pitt.

But, then again, no one is.

Only Brad Pitt was Brad Pitt and, really, Brad Pitt is all there ever was.

His face; onto the rocket it goes.

See you next time,

Sam

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Of Course You’re Not Going To Survive In The Past. You Dick

There has often been the brought up notion, from conversation to Hollywood movie, that if a modern man (‘man’ because – you know – they’re the ones with enough forearm to make a difference in the movies. Plus stubble and vests) were to emigrate backwards through time and enter the past…he’d be awesome.

Typically, we’re talking medieval history. The variety of history in which, if you tried with some vague degree of determination…you could be king.

King’s in those days populated the land with babies and…what modern man wouldn’t? When the wenches are as buxom as a barn door with tits – you’d procreate yourself to the throne.

This is of course the Hollywood elaboration of realistic approximation for how the Kings of the times behaved (and why). And they’re not far off.

The point to be made though is that if you were to be sent back in time to a period of history in which becoming a King is an option…no you couldn’t.

No. No you couldn’t indeed.

You could not rule the land purely because you’re from the future as this doesn’t mean you could somehow outwit people into doing as you instructed.

And this states a great deal about how much of a dick you are. Dick.

What are you going to do when you arrive back in England circa 1209?

To begin with, you’d likely appear in a field, which I feel is just terrific because I’ve got a lot of time for fields (I respect them. Ask me why and brace yourself as I may get emotional all over you), though you may realise that you’re going to have to just keep walking until something happens.

Here’s the first issue- eat something. Or be a dick and don’t eat something.

The removed existence of delicatessens and your fridge equates to you bumming around grasping a stick with dreary ambitions of convincing something onto the end of it, somehow wind up being cooked (since you didn’t even think about skinning the poor medieval dish did you? You dick) and then shat out with zero comforting wipes to you posterior.

And what are you going to wash it down with?

The beverage of the time consisted of cholera and pox-ridden water full of fish cum and your neighbour’s proverbial digested…or you could drink beer. And seeing as how you’re in a field with no beer and nothing on the end of your un-triumphant stick (I’ve got a lot of time for sticks. You could ask me why but I already wrote about it here: https://samsywoodsy.com/2015/02/18/the-evolution-of-the-stick-and-why-it-matters-to-me/ ) then you’re going to be drinking a hell of a lot of nasty neighbour-contents…and you might not even be near a river. You dick.

So, let us Hollywood a little.

You’re in an English Medieval town……………your move, brother.

What are you going to do? Convince them you’re able to do anything? You’ll be shovelling pig leavings as soon as you fall face first into them once you’ve been hounded for the first time for dressing like a futuristic weirdo by your newly-acquainted Medieval bullies. I bet they’re as blunt as this sentence.

Unless you can juggle, you’re going to slowly blend the fuck in with this crowd of peasants and vaguely attempt to wonder how you can apply anything at all you knew from your time spent in century 21.

One plus side however which you may have neglected to conceive…you’ll be a giant to these wee little peasants. 5 to 6 feet of bloke walking through the literally shitty streets would be an impressive sight to the average peasant, as they gradually gain neck-ache from constantly seeking to look you in the eye.

And you’d wash. Shiny people would be a novelty and they’d likely seek to make some sport of you until the inevitable burning takes place – mostly because you’re different in a time of maniacal fear and superstition, partly because you’re a dick and you’re shiny.

I’d burn you.

I’d blend right in. I’m good with a stick and they’d regard me with respectful contempt a distance away great enough to avoid a clobbering from my now-triumphant stick. Back then, having a stick was a serious possession to have…and I’d have one. Plus I’m stocky.

You’d probably have quite a few sticks actually; regrettably compiled into a revoltingly effective bit of kindling around your dickish feet.

Apologies for the perpetual inclination I have towards call you a dick – I’m a little sad, in fact greatly sad, but will address this once I’ve expressed this issue of you being a dick amongst peasants.

You dick amongst peasants.

Here’s the knee-knocker right here and no mistake.

Make a difference.

What the fuck could you contribute to the Medieval society? A very small amount of sod/bugger (your choice) all I fear.

Whilst you’ll spend the remainder of your time through time regretting not being a woodsman and trying to somehow make a gun out of stones and bits of squirrel…you could have introduced good people management skills.

The people that are going to survive when thrust back in time? It’s Human Resources brother!

And those amongst us built like either a gorilla with a bit of wit or the aforementioned barn door with tits (‘knockers’ – if you will). Being gorilla-like with wit is a common component of the successful throughout time. Good genes.

They’re the fellas and femmes who are going to be able to cope with the repressed civilisation people were living as part of in the times. They’re going to encourage the sticks to stack around your feet because they’re going to survive and having some shiny giant screaming about lightbulbs and why he doesn’t regret doing what he did to that squirrel is only going to help them if it’s the burnt version. Because back then the conversation was over until someone was burnt.

By the way…when the elderly chestnut comes around about going back in time and killing Hitler surfaces…no you couldn’t.

No. No you couldn’t indeed.

How would you be able to kill Hitler? What the fuck are you talking about?

Dick.

“Oh, I’d use my modern-age charm to deceive the guards and make my way through the big door and give Hitler a meaningful chat about why he shouldn’t have done that which he did. And then I’d kill with a move I learnt from Tekken. Because…I’m a 21st Century-kind-of-guy.”

You think far brighter and more capable murderers weren’t already trying to accomplish this feat? I’ll say this for World War Two – we had some good murderers on both sides and to suggest you would be the guy to go back and use your knowledge of internet memes and Grumpy Cat to encourage that bullet into Hitler’s Brain is a disservice to their murderous careers.

But aside from you’re …ah fuck it. I’m all sad now. Here’s why I’ve referred to you as a dick thus far.

In total honesty, if I was thrust back to 1939 I’d rip off Terry Pratchett. And I’d fail.

What a guy.

We’re talking about a fellow of inspired inspiration; by which I mean that he didn’t just have a next-level imagination or an outstanding work ethic…he had both. Therefore, his inspiration was inspired. As were we all.

Now there are going to be a series of heartfelt and on-the-nose prose written about the man Pratchett, but not to include my own would be impossible since I write inspired by him, and now I write for him.

Maybe I should only do obituaries; its assured work. Plus the subject matter’s fairly thrilling.

I’m sure that Pratchett would approve.

What a guy.

Terry Pratchett – thanks for making my childhood, teenage years and adult life perpetually spiced with ingenious and innovative imaginings spliced with beautiful doses of some of the greatest humour I have ever known.

I miss you and always shall.

Sam x