How to optimize your synergy with holistic bandwidth to disrupt hyperlocal customer journeys. Ping.

Posted: April 25, 2024 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Buzz words, don’t really buzz.

They stab, in the eyes – sure.

But they don’t buzz with that warm, buzzy feeling.

I’ve no doubt they help articulate something people in corporate structures appreciate. But corporate structures also don’t have that warm, buzzy feeling.

Do bee hives have corporate structures?

Do corporations have honey?

Ping?

Would optimizing your synergy with holistic bandwidth disrupt hyperlocal customer journeys? And would that be a good thing? Sounds to me like the sort of buzz-words in action that help bees get lost on the way home to the hive.

Bastards. Leave the poor bee be.

Lost and confused, and pollen sacs full of the heavy stuff.

And it’d think: “Damn! They optimizzzzzed their synergy with holistic bandwidth to disrupt my hyperlocal journey as a customer. When will they learn!?”

All bees ever wanted to do was sniff the flowers, make honey, and otherwise just generally contribute to the overall jolly and peaceful ambience of the countryside in summer.

But we just had to go and start optimizing synergy, and that was totally uncalled for. Distasteful, even.

Buzz-words should be kept away when everything is fine. Absolutely fine. Fine – absolute.

Bees were fine, until optimization.

So were the dinosaurs, until their hyperlocal journeys were disrupted by a meteor that suddenly became holistic as hell and set the sky on fire, which was fine thanks to the global tsunamis, which were convenient since the earthquakes weren’t so troubling when everything was drowning.

Toxic, choking atmosphere though. That something the bees can also relate too.

And let’s bear in mind that whilst we’d all like dinosaurs to still be around – it is phenomenally fantastic that dinosaurs aren’t around any more.

They might have been a good source of a comically-large steak. But as far as I understand, or at least as far as I’m willing to imagine: dinosaurs proffered no honey.

We might not have bee steaks (someone should probably look into that) – we do have bee honey.

In fact, we’ve honey from nothing but bees.

Ergo; optimize it not.

There’s one positive to buzz-words. They might make more sense than everything I’ve just written.

Apart from “ping”. I saw it on Google. No idea what it means. But to give my above words any credibility – I hope it doesn’t mean “honey”.

I’ve just re-Googled and can no longer find “ping” has a buzzword. Great. Now my blog, my darling blog, is littered with “pings” and it looks far more stupid than I could have hoped.

Ping.

Sam

I’m a Whole New Man; Just Like the Old Days

Posted: April 30, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty., writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

There a line from Glen Garry Glen Ross, Al Pacino’s character returns to the booth and says to his mark: “You ever take a shit that makes you feel like you’ve slept for 12 hours?”

Gosh that’s true.

I took a shit earlier and I emerged from the bathroom thinking: “What was I worrying about?!”

There’s sunshine on my foot, a nice big ole’ beam of it; landing on me most comfortably.

It’s giving me all kinds of erections, especially with the breeze coming in.

Fuck my fiancé? What an option!

There will be no fuck-uppity here.

Accomplished in-out with a wondrous use of vocab; what a woman!

Now coffee and juice.

Then some sort of accomplishment to follow it up with. Some ‘afters’.

Might as well be quicksand.

And I’ll appreciate that quicksand.

“Hey! Quicksand! I ‘preciate chu!”

It’s a good struggle; just a couple o’push-ups and downs again.

Then run away and back again.

Teasing the quicksand. It knows I’m only playing.

“Hey! Quicksand! I’m done with you! Aw don’t be like that!”

Now I have to clean the mud off my suede shoes (this is the definition of sacrifice). I knew my suede would have to take it but at least I know where to get some shoe-shine-sun-shine.

What next?

Accomplishment, please.

10,000 hours to become a master of something.

It can’t take that long to become average at most things. Plus you’ll end up a tad less cross-eyed in terms of devotion to one thing.

Never happened to me but I’m still saying it: now THAT’S conviction.

I tell you, I do, what I’m good at.

Honey.

I do honey.

I find it, I elope with it, and we spend the night together.

Honey was there for me whilst you guys had all scarpered.

Even now, entirely non-sexually, I’m curled up beneath my sheet, entirely non-sexually, clutching a pot of honey, entirely non-sexually, with sticky fingers…sexually.

Well, not really, I’d say my relationship with honey is more of a mutual respect that romance.

Plus it’s real hard to get the lid off those stubborn prudish pots.

Enough with the fucking honey fucking.

Some things don’t belong on toast; but still it’s happened to me owing to matter of attempted cleanliness.

Think I’ll leave that there.

By the way, whole new man that I am, realised a challenge I’ve not considered before.

Scale a mountain? Fuck you, no (https://samsywoodsy.com/2013/11/17/the-metaphors-are-rusty/)

Climbing people?

Of course!

I’ve always thought the vagina had the basic requirement of a good rock-climbing hold.

Remember that wall of vaginas, by the artist Jamie McCartney?

I recommend turning that sideways and having a sign stating: “Do not climb when wet.”

Consider, with me please, the state of genitals for climbing.

Vaginas are perfect for climbing, though not when aroused.

Penises are perfect for climbing, though only when aroused.

Plus imagine being midway up a mountain when the erection hand-hold feels it’s been grabbed too tightly and emits its self-defence mechanism and ejaculates in your eye.

And then you fall 300 feet onto a plain of more penises, though they’re all floppy too and what’s worse is you don’t even die.

You’re just laying crippled in a meadow of floppy dicks, reminiscing about vaginas you climbed once.

Thoughts…thoughts like this are why I am a whole new man today.

Plus I just took a tremendous dump. Think I lost about a pound.

Chin up people.

Sam.