I’m a Whole New Man; Just Like the Old Days

Posted: April 30, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty., writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

There a line from Glen Garry Glen Ross, Al Pacino’s character returns to the booth and says to his mark: “You ever take a shit that makes you feel like you’ve slept for 12 hours?”

Gosh that’s true.

I took a shit earlier and I emerged from the bathroom thinking: “What was I worrying about?!”

There’s sunshine on my foot, a nice big ole’ beam of it; landing on me most comfortably.

It’s giving me all kinds of erections, especially with the breeze coming in.

Fuck my fiancé? What an option!

There will be no fuck-uppity here.

Accomplished in-out with a wondrous use of vocab; what a woman!

Now coffee and juice.

Then some sort of accomplishment to follow it up with. Some ‘afters’.

Might as well be quicksand.

And I’ll appreciate that quicksand.

“Hey! Quicksand! I ‘preciate chu!”

It’s a good struggle; just a couple o’push-ups and downs again.

Then run away and back again.

Teasing the quicksand. It knows I’m only playing.

“Hey! Quicksand! I’m done with you! Aw don’t be like that!”

Now I have to clean the mud off my suede shoes (this is the definition of sacrifice). I knew my suede would have to take it but at least I know where to get some shoe-shine-sun-shine.

What next?

Accomplishment, please.

10,000 hours to become a master of something.

It can’t take that long to become average at most things. Plus you’ll end up a tad less cross-eyed in terms of devotion to one thing.

Never happened to me but I’m still saying it: now THAT’S conviction.

I tell you, I do, what I’m good at.

Honey.

I do honey.

I find it, I elope with it, and we spend the night together.

Honey was there for me whilst you guys had all scarpered.

Even now, entirely non-sexually, I’m curled up beneath my sheet, entirely non-sexually, clutching a pot of honey, entirely non-sexually, with sticky fingers…sexually.

Well, not really, I’d say my relationship with honey is more of a mutual respect that romance.

Plus it’s real hard to get the lid off those stubborn prudish pots.

Enough with the fucking honey fucking.

Some things don’t belong on toast; but still it’s happened to me owing to matter of attempted cleanliness.

Think I’ll leave that there.

By the way, whole new man that I am, realised a challenge I’ve not considered before.

Scale a mountain? Fuck you, no (https://samsywoodsy.com/2013/11/17/the-metaphors-are-rusty/)

Climbing people?

Of course!

I’ve always thought the vagina had the basic requirement of a good rock-climbing hold.

Remember that wall of vaginas, by the artist Jamie McCartney?

I recommend turning that sideways and having a sign stating: “Do not climb when wet.”

Consider, with me please, the state of genitals for climbing.

Vaginas are perfect for climbing, though not when aroused.

Penises are perfect for climbing, though only when aroused.

Plus imagine being midway up a mountain when the erection hand-hold feels it’s been grabbed too tightly and emits its self-defence mechanism and ejaculates in your eye.

And then you fall 300 feet onto a plain of more penises, though they’re all floppy too and what’s worse is you don’t even die.

You’re just laying crippled in a meadow of floppy dicks, reminiscing about vaginas you climbed once.

Thoughts…thoughts like this are why I am a whole new man today.

Plus I just took a tremendous dump. Think I lost about a pound.

Chin up people.

Sam.