Of course I’m Asian, why wouldn’t I be Asian?!

Of course I’m Asian, why wouldn’t I be Asian?! Born in Britain to white/Jewish parents? Ok, sure that’s a pretty good reason, but other than that I’m talking mathematically.

Sometimes it’s good to talk mathematically.

Most people in the world are Chinese. Of all the nations in the world, the largest population is that of China- as you all likely know. Therefore, partly going by how I don’t use mirrors that much (yet am still somehow physically approachable) whilst mainly because most people are Chinese, the chances are that I’m Chinese.

So…y’know…sorry Tibet. I feel awful. And I feel Chinese.

And I guess that automatically makes me a dissident, which is marvellous. I have for a long-time-lately agreed that Tibet should be free, but as much as I believe in a free Tibet, I also simply have to insist on a free Texas.

I don’t think that people can really comprehend what Texans go through daily.

It’s called ‘lunch’.

‘Lunch’ in this part of the world isn’t a dinner party, or a day at the beach, or a piece of cake. It’s like being raped by foodstuffs that are yellow. Yellow or brown. Either way; they’re raping you and they’re French fries.

I once encountered a Texan that was so large that her arse drooped over the chair and down to, and fucking touching the floor of that restaurant. That Chinese restaurant.

Poor Texans. If you were to donate just £3 a month to an average Texan family…the money would probably be painted yellowy-brown and eaten.

How continental.

How very continental indeed.

However, this doesn’t diffuse the issue that I, like you likely are, am Chinese.

Suddenly Chinese.

I’m not quite sure how to take this. Of course, when I think about China, my cheeky little brain leaps to humorous racism- the kind we can all enjoy and indulge in. And then, what with myself being a newly acquainted Chinese dissident, am filled with a terrible and Chinese anger at myself.

The trouble is- I don’t have nuclear capabilities (though preferable, of course, to nuclear incapabilities), not even a little one for the weekend.

China does. They’ve got the guns and the numbers, whereas I’m 5 8″ and that’s about it (though I am of course selling myself short. My smile- is heavenly).


It was parenthetical a moment ago, but now it rings through to me that it might be worth something.

I have a sunny day of a smile- whilst China has a population problem. There’s a defining quality- “I don’t have a population problem; you do! You numerous bastard!”.

I guess, therefore, thus, and…hence…that it’s a waiting game. We, the Chinese, will run out of China and either have to take a little more and a little more of other places until they don’t put up with people like me anymore and the Mutually Assured Destruction that has plagued us all since the beginning of all beginnings is made altogether too hasty (for my liking) by other states.

States like Texas.

It’s a waiting game, and all I have to do it be patient, and let my fellow Chinese multiply until the young, once more, take over and Tibet is returned and perhaps then, I can make my way back to being English.

I love being English. It suits me.

You should try it sometime; you’ve all got the figure for it.