“Let’s get current” (an idea I once had)

Posted: November 16, 2023 | Author: | Filed under: Matters that Matter | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I had an idea once to make this blog a big success – of the acknowledgeable sort – where people would stop and say “Hey – look at that big successful blog…”

Part of the plan was to ‘get current’, which I didn’t.

However, building on that from back then, I’d like to bring things to the here and now, keeping the finger to the pulse and the front page journos paying attention to me for the next scoop.

And, to be inclusive of events I’ve missed since I had then, I’ll be beginning with the current events at the time I had the idea: in February 2022.

So, apparently there’s a massing of Russian troops at the Ukraine border.

I hope everything turns out alright.

Imagine if Russia invaded Ukraine – that’d make a lot of noise.

This isn’t working.

Maybe being current isn’t where it’s at any more.

Perhaps I should turn to historical events, and cover with insights into yesteryear that entice the reader into re-reading and re-reading till at the ultimate heights – generating advertising revenue.

I just need an historical event to with which to begin.

How about this – way back in February 2022? I had an idea to ‘get current’ and make my blog the next fresh thing about to hit the big time, at which people would say “Hey, look at that blog, in a minute”.

This idea coincided with outbreak of war between invading Russia and Ukraine, so I quickly for became distracted.

This isn’t working, again.

Reconsidering this plan, it could be that the war in Europe outweighs a nice little idea for my blog, in terms of being regarded a ‘historical event’.

Still, having a blog not only gives you the chance to stand out unique from the crowd and draw attention to yourself and be admired.

It also gives you the chance to say what millions of others say and think daily, which is due no greater regard than being praised for noticing your legs are in the same room as you.

In that theme, to echo something worth echoing, Fuck Vladmir (I hate him on a first-name basis).

Vladmir has no class.

Vladmir is incompetent at many things.

Vladmir’s handshake is so gross, it feels like someone is wanking your hand and looking you in the eye with a Russian accent.

Vladmir has a smelly face and a fat personality.

Vladmir ain’t welcome round these parts.

Vladmir looks like he should be sitting sadly at a bus stop in the rain, holding a carrier bag with nothing in it.

Vladmir, Vladmir, Vladmir….

Go fuck yourself, Vladmir.

Apologies, this may have descended into cyberbullying the Russian President (“Vladmir…..something”), but judging by what I’ve read happens to his enemies, I’m sure I’ll get my comeuppance – so everything should work out well for everyone.

In which case, to echo again: go fuck yourself Vladmir. You ruined February 2022, you ruined my blog, you wrecked and ended lives forever, and worsened a troubled world in need of what Russia can really do.

Go fuck yourself Vladmir. I checked in with School No. 193 at Baskov Lane, which you attended, and they all thought you were a wanker. They could tell by the handshake.

Sam

Why do those without legs insist on running marathons?

Posted: September 9, 2023 | Author: | Filed under: Brief...therefore witty. | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I saw a news article on a Ukrainian teenager whose legs had been blown off by Putin.

And, after that, wonderful things happened because of wonderful people, and so she’s not dead and she now has prosthetic legs.

So now she’s running a marathon.

Why not archery?

Or, anything else that wasn’t a metaphor for overcoming all those naysayers, like Putin, who said she couldn’t run marathons anymore because she’s got no damn legs.

If my lower half left me, I’d regroup and set about working out how best to achieve sitting-down from now on, but I’m not going to take up tap dancing just to show ‘them’.

Maybe I’d tap dance against Putin, but not if he told me not to. Because he’s a limb-deducting psycho.

Good for that teenager. Good for Ukraine.

But remember you’re not bound by tradition to run marathons just because you’ve had your legs blown off.

You can do anything.

Even archery.

I dislike the idea of a PR agency suggesting that there is traction to be achieved if you go down the no-legs marathon route. And if you’re with-it enough to note “but I’ve never liked running, and I’d much prefer to do some other things”, they’d respond: “Oh dear, I don’t think you realise the full benefit of having your legs blown off.”

I dislike that a lot.

Being obliged is not my business.

Just as when you’re having a nice menstrual cycle (as my wife and I call it – having a ‘runny egg’), you’re not obliged to wear ghost-white clothing and go for a vagina-stretching bike ride in front of men in the park.

You could have a period and do archery.

It’s your choice, you’re not bound by narratives.

If you’re a grouch throughout the year till Christmas Eve, you’re not obliged to have a soul-searching experience that causes you to unfold in favour of the whimsy and spirit of the season the following morning. You can just read the paper and stay home with your tin of cold beans for lunch.

Your choice. Make it. Your paper, read it. Your beans, eat them.

Avoid Putin, and enjoy your choice, paper and beans. If he allows it. Or get your legs blown off again.

If you have no legs and want to run a marathon……fine. As long as you actually want to do it.

You could alternatively take up dentistry.

Speaking of which, if you’ve sensitive teeth and have recently begun using a new toothpaste to counter the sensitivity, there’s no law, no ruling, no enforced doctrine that means you must now drinketh only ice-water, and eateth only hot food stuffs, just to show you can.

You’re as entitled to tepid food as anyone.

I’ll bet Putin has sensitive teeth, and that’s what this is all about.

Hey Putin, got sensitive teeth?

“No. Only judo.“

‘Only Judo’, what are you talking about Putin?

Sam