Eating Melon Makes Me Moral

It would seem diet can greatly affect your wellbeing.

Say for example you enjoy digesting your way through a plate of collarbones.

Now that’s fairly gnarly, but perhaps you ought to calm yourself down a tad, particularly considering the species of collar bone.

You should only eat your neighbour if the feeling’s mutual.

So then you move on to seed.


It’s just not worth saying.

Enunciate it not.

The calorific offerings a seed puts up do not cover the costs of saying “seed”.

Not because “seed” requires a dexterity of jaw, tongue and teeth, but because it breaks a little piece of my heart from me every time I say it and the only way to say it is…meekly.

And I am not meek.

Even “Spreading my seed” fails me.

I begin triumphant with “Spreading my…” and then descend into a sad, sad day by the time I arrive at “seed”.

Or maybe “seed” arrives at me?

Likely not; I doubt “seed” could be bothered to turn up and if it did the jokes would fall a little flatter and the wine could be complained at.

Essentially, and conveniently, don’t invite the word “seed” to a get-together.

Because that’d be ridiculous.

Eating melon is also ridiculous; and it can save your life.

As well as your death.

We all want our death to be a good one, so let me save your death here and now by encouraging melon all over you.

Eating melon is like intercourse with a harp; only this time it actually goes well.

Also, to enjoy a melon, one must break into it.

You must burgle the melon.

Crack it a sunder with your witty bicep and savour the squelch we only set aside from rainy walk and only the finest of bodily functions.

Eat melon.

It will improve your personhood and more besides.

I ate a melon once; now look at me…


That’s right; you could be urging melon onto others too.

Decimating a melon open will grant you a ferocious instinct to do such things more often and there lies the key to life; a passion for it.

Especially if you suck the sweet squelch out of it afterwards.

You could be urging melon onto others and I for one feel all the better for it.

Now that I’m all moral and such

Via melon.


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