Today Was a Pink Donkey Day

I brought a large pink ruby donkey home with me from work the other day.

I’m telling you this because it’s looking at me right now.

Rather; it’s not looking at me, more so to the window and away from me. But it has an expression on it’s long, slapped-lobster- coloured-face as if to say: “I swear I wasn’t watching you! But I can if you want…”

This pink donkey’s beginning to have a presence in the house.

I keep finding it in rooms. Nothing creepy, aside from the Mrs (who’s mine by the way– all mine!) transporting him from room to room. And suddenly there he is; causing me to stop stirring my tea and wonderful half in my head, half spoken: “Why the fuck is he in here?”

Salvaged out of the bins of a nursery I work with, I’ve always has an appreciation for solid toys that don’t break easily.

Breaking easily is what I find to be the critical aspect of most things around and about me; prior to them being in pieces.

This large pink donkey however…this thing is Russia-proof.

The sort of toy that is immune to both knives and teasing. It’s probably emitting some noxious gas as I write this; some reliably-1970’s-gonna-get-ya product this.

Too solid rubber to be devastated; too mentally dense an expression on its face to absorb any kind of bullying as anything but pleasant comments about its complexion.

Lucky pink donkey.

I’m far too sensitive, you see; and that hurts to say.

Perhaps I can learn a thing or two from this donkey.

And maybe that’s a depressing fact; that I can learn a thing or two from a donkey.

Or, maybe again, it means I’ve reached a level so high I can only learn from inanimate objects. Sun Tsu, Marx and Shakespeare are all just a tad too easy these days; I need a good sturdy rubber donkey to keep me thinking about my diet.

Well…that was meant to simply be a sentence; and it turns out, upon closer recollection, that this is true.

I haven’t had a walk home like that since I was an obese baby.

Even the weather was improved; to the degree that my memories of it seems as though the golden sunlight was added later, but no – it was that glorious.

Smiles and laughter everywhere; with plenty of pointing – the good kind.

The good kind of pointing is polite, and you can tell how it is not just by the facial expression behind, but also because I reckon that finger’s a little floppy.

What would you rather have in your face; a sturdy index of a flaccid forefinger? Let alone a penetrating pinky?

Apparently a pink donkey’s what most folk want in their face; forget the pointing, good kind or bad.

Well; I got the polite kind, as well as so many smiles and warm expressions of: “Enormous pink donkey eh? Good for you; I can relate to that – It’s about time!”

More pink rubber donkeys for everyone.

This things has it’s very own sunshine and when it hits; you grin with the pinkish vitamin D you’re being beaten about the head with.

I got home that day and found myself improved.

I could learn from this donkey.

We’ve already bathed together; it went really well.

The train’s ticket conductor on the journey home and I had a charming liaison in which he wrote out a toy-ticket for the donkey.

How absolutely motherfucking charming!

I’m 27 and he was at least twice my age, and here we were both being jollied by a pink donkey.

This is an even more effective a way of meeting women than holding a baby.

You might be familiar with the way chaps can hold a baby as they meet women; holding it out in front of them as proof of procreating potency and niceness.

A fellow with a baby, strapped on to his chest like body armour, speaks to the world: “My penis is accomplished and I make up for that by being fatherly and mopping up the consequences and the consequences’ consequences.”

Those strap-on babies unnerve me, being as it seems like a make-shift “don’t shoot me” shirt.

You can’t lay a finger on that guy whilst he’s wearing one of those.

He’s immune to society touching him; law officials won’t risk the law suit, other men won’t risk the leaking baby, and the women want so desperately to get to know this sensitive chap with an accomplished willy.

Take all that; and this pink donkey trumps it all.

“Trumps it all” – damn.

Can’t we alter the terminology here?

Why not give Trump the word “Trump” and proceed to change our definition of it to a guy who has everything wrong with him – a bloke for whom money is working.

Money is evidently making Donald Trump all the more unhappy to the point that he is engaging in political warfare with the most vital nation on Earth because his daddy never loved him.

He’s a fellow with such a huge bill for sating his appetite that he’s going to make Mexico pay for it.

I have a tremendously unsubstantiated feeling that Donald Trump is looking forward to diplomacy in China because their coins have ickle-wickle holes in and he yearns to get that Yen home and start fucking the dignified history out of it.

That hole-in-the-arse/pain-in-the-arse/Donald-Trump is apparently in need of a large rubber pink donkey prescription.

If it worked for me; it can work for Trump!

I’ve just realised that Donald Trump would, without hesitation, strap a baby to himself to avoid being assassinated. I hope, should his assassination come about, it’s in a child-free area; though I feel children tend to avoid him anyway.

Kids are like dogs.

They don’t like arseholes.

And they love giant pink donkeys.

Me too; for all the three above.

See you tomorrow,

Sam

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